Wisdom of the world

If all the greatest, wisest, most intelligent minds in our world got together in a room, what would they discuss? Would they come up with new ways to stop pollution and create an eco-friendly world? Would they spend some time on politics, solving every issue ever faced by politicians? Would they put a stop to death and crime? Would they mumble about war and plan for peace? Would they pray to God or Darwin, asking them for the answers? Would they sit and play with Rubix cubes and solve impossible mathematic and scientific equations? Or would they laugh? Laugh at us. Laugh because they know all the truths of the universe. Laugh at how humans spent so long evolving, only to destroy ourselves. Laugh because they always knew better. Or would they cry?

A "Brighter" Future

A nice smile will only get you so far, it worked before but it’s beginning to mar. You Nats are all the same, you don’t care about people, it’s all a game. Playing political Russian roulette with our assets, It’s suicide and that’s a crime, a permanent solution to a fleeting issue, When you’re voted out you’ll do your time and I won’t need a tissue. You made promises in a heap but we all knew they were too good to keep. You may have the money and the power but we’re fighting back, we will not cower. Giving to the rich and stealing from the poor, it’s Robin Hood in reverse, it can’t be ignored. You “don’t know”, you “don’t remember”, you “don’t have the facts”, You never have answers, you only have attacks. So that’s it, that’s all you’ve left us with: A future so bright we’re wondering who turned out the lights.

Thoughts at 5:30am

Driving home to go to bed to rest my weary head, I watch the Friday drunks stumble forth into the night and I feel glad not to be among them. As I leave the lights of the city behind me, the mountains in the distance look as if they're wearing halos with the glow of the sun, as it begins to crawl slowly over the horizon, bringing with it a new day. On the road, cars appear sporadically like the first leaves falling at the start of Autumn, it makes me wonder what they're doing driving at this hour, where they're heading, if it's more exciting than here. As I get closer to home, I see Jack Frost has covered the city in a blanket of white, cars and grass sparkle in the light of the new dawn, the world transformed into a winter wonderland. The birds outside my window chirp cheerfully, telling the world it's time to wake up before my head has even hit the pillow. So here is where I bid you adieu, I'm off on my next great adventure to the land of nod, where dreams sometimes do come true.

Life

Hey, Long time no see, huh? It's amazing how fast time has flown, it seems like just yesterday I was last updating this blog when really it was almost a year ago. What's happened since then? I got a job, I now work in retail since April, which I love. The team I work with have helped me achieve two of my New Years goals of making 5 new friends and making a difference in someone's life. I'm no longer on anti-depressants, have been off them for some months after they weren't working but am looking to go back on them (a different type) when I can afford to see a doctor, which probably won't be til mid December as I can't get any extra hours til then and thus my pay is ass. I have the choice these days to either buy food or pay my bills. I cannot do both so this means being very hungry and you know how I get when I'm hungry, just basically grumpy grumps but these are the joys of being an adult. I hate being an adult. I'm looking to get a flatmate in my house as mum has fully moved out to live with her boyfriend (she's been sort of living with him since last year but she's moved all her shit out now). I lost my virginity to a girl last October (not sure if I covered this in blogs at the time) and then to a guy in July or so. I barely knew him. I didn't know him. It was really out of character of me to do something so wreckless and just plain slutty but that's the way it was. I was briefly transferred to a different retail store in the chain and that's where I met the guy, he was at the store refurbishing it. He talked to me and asked me if I wanted to get a drink. I said yes, naively and it ended in losing my virginity. I was required to work with him for 2 weeks afterwards so we sort of dated in that time but my heart was never his. At the time my heart belonged to a man known as "Cute Security Guard" or "CSG", who worked in my store at the time (he later transferred permanently to a different store and that was sad but we're still in contact as friends). Virginity taker guy was 35 anyway, way too old for me, he had a child and smoked weed, he was so inappropriate for me and my life. I wasn't really physically attracted to him and I don't think he wanted me for anything other than sex, we didn't really have much to talk about with each other, it was all just ridiculous really. It was sort of nice to feel sort of wanted in that time though, we did coupley stuff like go shopping for food and then cook together. I fell in love with his cat more than I did with him. He did shit that annoyed me, he farted in front of me all the time, which did not impress me. But also he always wanted sex. I stayed with him most nights while I worked in his part of town for the job and we couldn't even watch a movie without him saying something ridiculous like "oh I'm so hard, look at what you do to me" and I'm all like "I didn't DO ANYTHING to you, it's not my fault you can't control your body" but then I'd still feel obligated to have sex with him. Even though I didn't really enjoy sex at all, it's all overrated. Or he'd just start kissing me on and around my ears (which for some reason turns me on) and I wouldn't be able to resist and just be like "ffffffffffffffine, we'll have sex". Anyway, the reason I wanted to blog tonight was just to say that that whole experience over the last few months was a bit traumatic for me, I later learnt that no one should ever feel obligated to have sex with anyone else and that what he was doing was technically rape in the sense that I should have said no and he should have accepted no as an answer and not tried anything else but he kept pushing. But now days I try not to think about it, I occasionally do but thoughts of it and him get further from my head every day. Soon, I realise, I won't think of him at all. That'll be a happy day for me. I really wish I could just have the whole experience erased from my mind. I can't really defend myself about what happened with him, all I can say is I was going through a weird time in my life, I was lonely, coming off anti-depressants and getting used to working in a different place. Anyway, now I don't trust men, it's gonna take someone I trust with all of myself and all of my heart to restore what this guy took from me. I'll have to be friends with a guy for months or years before I trust him. That's all that's being going on. I'll post some poems I've written over the last few months as well, as this blog is sort of a record of my writing. V.

Day four: The highs and lows of Fluoxetine

Hey guys,

Woke up with some nausea this morning, which is a known side effect but could possiby also be due to lack of sleep but the lack of sleep (waking up many times in a night) could also be due to the drug.
Yesterday I woke up with a dry mouth so drank heaps of water and was fine, not sure if that's a side effect either but it's all worth documenting just incase.
Mood not much different but I guess it's not supposed to be a dramatic change.

Working hard as always,
V.

Day two: The highs and lows of Fluoxetine

Hey guys,

Day two started off with a headache. I'm not sure if it was due to the Fluoxetine or if it was just due to me not drinking enough water or whatever. But it's a good time to mention another way my doctor is useless, she failed to mention the combination of ibuprofen (which is the only painkiller I can use as I'm allergic to paracetamol) and Fluoxetine can cause a bad reaction.
I have a friend who is also on Fluoxetine and he said he and other people he knows on the drug have never had any issues also using ibuprofen but drugs cause different reactions in different people so it's all very up in the air. He suggested not using both drugs at the same time, as in, in a few hours of each other. But I did this morning and apart from a brief stomach cramp, I didn't have an issue (although it seems the symptoms happen internally so I may not know for a while if it did cause a problem). The stomach cramp could have also been caused by nervousness or period pains (which I'm getting at the moment coz it's almost time for my Depo Provera injection which takes away my period but needs to be injected once every three months).

My mum still doesn't know I'm on anti-depressants, although it's only been two days and I've only seen her once briefly during that time. Maybe I'll tell her sometime in the future but maybe I won't, she's hardly ever around any more coz she has a new boyfriend and sleeps at his house every night.

As for mood today, I was neither here nor there. I started a political internship so I was excited but even that felt somewhat hollow. I laughed at points but never felt any negative emotion, which is positive. I feel less anxious than I did before taking the drug, especially about my irrational fear of vomit, which has been torturing me more than ever lately but is something I'm less conscious/concerned about on Fluoxetine.

After this, unless anything significant happens, I'll be updating once a week but even then I don't make any promises. From tomorrow I'm working 15 days straight so I may be too tired or busy to blog.

V.

Day one: The highs and lows of Fluoxetine

Hey guys,

The doctor's visit went well so I've decided to document my journey on anti-depressants to see if I notice any changes in myself and my behaviour over the next few months.
I am on one Fluoxetine capsule a day and I can almost feel the effects already (although that could just be a placebo effect where you feel better just for taking pills, whether they're actually doing anything or not).
For more information about my new found favourite drug, here is a Wikipedia article on it. Of course I don't think it's relevant to discuss the technical stuff here, like the side effects (unless I experience them) or the scientific make up of the drug, which is why that's Wikipedia's job.
After last night's post, it was obvious to tell I was anxious about my doctor's appointment so when I got there this morning and the wait time was 30 mins, needless to say, I was freaking out more than ever.
Eventually I got to see the doctor who asked me a few questions and blamed my depression on computer overuse, she was pretty useless and never once asked if I was suicidal, which I thought would be the first question to ask someone who's depressed.
But aside from being useless at question asking, she gave me my drugs (3 month prescription) and sent me on my (more) merry way.
Upon seeing the tablets, the first thing I loved was that the pills were pretty colours, half green, half purple so it's pretty buzzy.
Today, after taking a pill, I haven't felt like crying all day and the times when I did feel emotional for a reason (like talking to my friend who will be moving to Australia in August), I found I couldn't cry, my heart didn't hurt, I just felt neutral, despite the fact it's something I'm devastated about and dreading. So all day I felt neutral, my happy moments weren't as deeply happy but my sad moments weren't sad at all, which is really what I needed right now.
I've been super hungry all day, unsure if this is a side effect or if I'm just having a slight growth-spurt, I guess when you're happier it's easier to eat than when you're not.
Favourite moment of the day was when I asked the chemist if I could drink alcohol on Fluoxetine, to which he replied "I wouldn't turn down a glass or two of wine, don't go too crazy and give up drinking altogether but everything in moderation is fine". Love him.

Very tired now,
V.