Darkness

Sirius was bright in the sky,
The night the lights went out.
The world was shrouded in darkness,
But Sirius shone on unaware we were dying.
The power that had always ruled our lives was gone,
Leaving us cold and bored.
The music we thought would go on forever was cut off,
An overwhelming silence ensued, so quiet and unfamiliar our ears could not process it.
No Playstation, no computer, no TV, makes me go crazy,
We never learnt to cope without the technology that robbed us of our lives.

Varelai.

The missing

Good morning,
I feel like last night I got hit by a truck.
When you don't drink often, it can only take a few drinks to completely make you feel like absolute shit the next morning.
I had two cans of beer and about half of a pint and my head hurts and my muscles are aching.
I'll admit, I feel a little better now I've had a shower and a nice strong coffee but really I'm fucked for the rest of the day.
That'll teach me.
It was important to have a few drinks last night though, as my official farewell with my colleagues.
Goodbye was hard though, it was a hard thing to leave this place with such amazing colleagues.
It was nice to properly have a send off, it was exactly what I wanted, not too much fuss, just some beers and a card from my department.
I didn't want any fuss coz I only lasted three months but also because I don't feel like it's necessary to have a huge collection of money and be given a gift or get the goodbye card signed by EVERYONE in the building, even people I don't know the names of. It doesn't MEAN anything that way.
So it was good but working this morning is pretty shit, whether or not I'll be able to do my job effectively remains to be seen.
But I'm moving home tomorrow so I'm not too fussed about anything really. Better start packing when I get home tonight.

Anyway, main point today is that this article really kinda bothers me.
It's scary to know 75 people are missing in the South Island, Christchurch area and 8000 around New Zealand.
Are they dead? Did they kill themselves? Did someone kill them? Are they alive and on the run from someone or something? Have they changed their name and details and are living a brand new life?
I think the scariest thing about missing people is that there are no answers.
At least when someone is dead, a body can be found but with these missing people, it could mean murderers are going unfound, uncaught, it means families suffer sometimes up to years of grief not knowing what happened to their loved ones.
The thing is, people CANNOT just disappear. The story makes it sound like they've just plain vanished but people don't just vanish.
It's a scary thing because one day, it could be me, it could be someone I know then they might not ever find me.
Then there's the factor of drowning. If someone jumps into the sea and are never seen again but there is no body, how can anyone be sure they are dead?
What if they swum away to start a new life somewhere else?
I guess it's all scary because there's no evidence, it's an unknown thing, people assume you're "probably dead" but no one can be sure.
There are many places in the vast bush that covers New Zealand that no one has thought to search or that are too difficult for anyone to search that mean a person can never be found, even if they decided they wanted to kill themselves, there are places they can go where they will be left alone until one day someone in the future will find a skeleton or whatever.
As for murder, well, don't you think New Zealand is the perfect country for it because of the vast bush, you could bury someone in the bush or just throw their body down a cliff and no one would ever find them.
It's terrifying the possibilities of our little country. I guess though, in the desert in some other countries, you have the same issue, no one is going to search the desert for days and days and days looking for someone, it's far too expansive.
I guess we all just have to pray someone is watching over us and an unknown fate will not be ours.

Varelai.

The pitter patter of little feets

Last night I slept badly. I couldn't get the image of the cute little ball of fluff lying dead on the road out of my head. It's haunting.
Plus my flatmate isn't home at the moment, she's down in Wellington because her boyfriend is having surgery today so she won't be home for a few days so the house is really quiet.
I keep thinking I hear the kitten meowing or running up and down the hallway.
I know it's not possible but it's hard to grasp the fact she's not around anymore.
I turned my radio on and listened to it all night to block out noise and the images.
I can't stand the silence, it's driving me insane.
I need a hug.
Although I'm not keen on work currently, as it is my last week, I would rather be here around people than be alone in the house constantly thinking about things that are driving me mental.
Lack of sleep in this job is a killer, just because it is impossible to write or think fast when your brain is functioning at a rate MUCH slower than usual.
Sure, there are caffiene pills or coffee but nothing beats a good sleep.
I woke up this morning and opened my door, expecting to see the kitten outside my door waiting for attention but nothing.
This whole thing is driving me completely mental.
I walk to my car in the morning and keep expecting to see her on the road still.
It just feels so bad.
Luckily I'm moving out in 5 days so I won't have to think about it.
Maybe I did move out a month too late.
Funny that when my flatmate got the kitten she wouldn't let me touch it so it wasn't sad when I moved out and didn't miss me but she needn't have worried.

Varelai.

Murder

This morning I walked out to my car to go to work and found my flatmate's kitten dead beside the car.
She had obviously been hit by a car during the night that decided she was not important enough to stop.
I ran inside and yelled to my flatmate who was in the shower that her beloved kitten had been hit by a car.
She was kind of flippant about it and made a remark like "aww I'm sorry kitten, I shouldn't have told you to go play in traffic yesterday".
My flatmate was usually pretty annoyed by the kitten who meowed so loudly so often even when she didn't really want food.
It was pretty devastating for me to have to experience the cute little ball of fluff lying cold on the road.
If there were two cars coming in opposite directions on the road, one of them would have run her over again, she wasn't close to the footpath, she was more in the middle of the road.
I wasn't hugely attached to her but as my flatmate picked her up by the scruff of her neck and carried her into the house, I felt sick, shakey and sad.
I can't believe someone would have the nerve to kill an innocent kitten.
It makes me worry about my cat, who I love dearly, more than anything in this world, that one day some asshole is going to drive down my road and take her away from me.
It would break my heart.
Mum said I shouldn't worry coz my cat hates cars and runs away but sometimes she crosses the road and at night, maybe she wouldn't be able to be seen.
Going home tonight is going to feel kind of lonely without her meowing at me constantly and hanging around my legs until I almost kick her, by accident of course.
This is my first experience with the death of an animal in this way, sometimes we've taken them to the vet when they've gotten old and got them put down but I've never had to come out of the house to find my beloved animal lying on the side of the road.

RIP little cat. We had nice cuddles while my flatmate wasn't home and you always purred the loudest.

Varelai.

Phone love

Maybe not love but I talk to people on the phone all the time.
Sometimes I have never seen them before, sometimes I don't look up their photos on file until much later.
One artist I've been talking to for a while who has such a great personality and is really nice and helpful, has a really WEIRD face.
Seeing her next to her artwork makes me think, wow, you do art that is weird but so pretty and you look like art gone wrong.
It sounds mean but in some ways it's very poetic, she paints because she looks weird.
Although I'm not entirely sure that IS the reason she does it.
Thing is, over the phone you never know what someone looks like so it's less easy to judge them.
I have (regrettably) fallen in like over the internet but that was an example of falling in like with personality.
I didn't realise he looked a bit weird because his accent, American, was sooooooo fucking good to listen to and he said the nicest things, it was easy to like him.
This lady is the same, she's so nice but she has a deformity that must make her life very hard when people meet her and judge her on that.
I don't want to judge her, our photographer took a great picture of her when most people couldn't but she's married.
So her husband may have also fallen in love with her personality or is willing to accept her differences.
I prefer phones for that reason, if I can't judge someone by anything other than their voice and the things they say, they also can't judge me and although I tend to stutter and um a bit over the phone, I don't expect to be judged on that.

Varelai.

Decisions and the inability to make them

My starsign is Libra. So already, in 4 words, you know I can't make decisions.
So when last week, my flatmate told me she had found someone else and our joyous three month marriage of obsessive cleaning, great food and dead animals was coming to an end, I felt sad but I felt calm.
The inability to make decisions means I would have, in all likelihood, stayed in this job for the rest of my human life.
Because why not? I hate it but I can't make a decision as huge as resigning and moving home.
So my flatmate, being the lovely girl she is, decided for me. When she found out I was job hunting, she asked around and found someone who was flat hunting.
If you live in Wellington, it is easy to find a flat or a flatmate but here, people don't really come here all that often coz there IS nothing here so the likelihood of finding a flatmate is pretty slim.
So my flatmate is lucky to have found a replacement, just as she was lucky to have found me.
But it meant "kicking me out" in not so many words. The thing is, I'm not pissed off she found someone else because although I said I was job hunting, the reality is, my inability to make decisions means I never would have left unless I got a job, which is honestly, not fucking likely.
So by not having a house and not REALLY wanting to stay in this town, I had to go home, job or not. So like You Me At Six sang, "I'll be home in a day, I fear that's a month too late." Except I'll be home in 10 days and counting but in some ways it still is a month too late for my soul to ever recover from this experience.
My job is fun and all but the loneliness and stress kicked my ass some days.
I'm starting a course in October going through till February then through to university in March and staying there for 3 years.
So I no longer have to think about finding employment for 3 years, it's great because I'm not ready to be employed.
I don't know what I want to do with my life so how can I possibly be employed? It's not worth it right now.
Every day I have to make decisions though, littler than staying or going but things such as what to have for lunch, which car to drive at work, which stories to gather, they're all important parts of my day to day life.
Difficult difficult parts of my life.

Varelai.

Change and the inability to do it

I go to Subway for lunch most days, not exactly because I enjoy it but because it's cheap and relatively healthy and sometimes I do enjoy it, in fact I crave it.
The problem is, I always have the same thing.
Some days I may have a veggie pattie, other days just veggies, even then, they're always the same veggies, always the same sauces, always the same cheese, almost always the same bread.
Sometimes I consider getting different cheese or different sauces but it won't be the same.
I've tried another type of cheese once before, I had to mentally force myself to change cheeses and when I did, the sandwich was average tasting.
Of course, if I was a meat eater I'd have more options to choose from and maybe I would be able to make a change but really, when I was a meat eater, I still had the same thing I do now except with a chicken fillet.
Never any other kind of meat, just the chicken fillet.
I remember the first time I had Subway I had ham. I guess that kind of proves everything, I've never changed, I always played it safe.
Why ham? Because that's what mum used to put in my sandwiches. Fuck knows I probably only had mayonaise in the sandwich too coz any other sauces would have been too far away from my usual.
I don't remember when I got more creative having 3 sauces and having chicken but those three sauces haven't changed since.
The type of cheese has always been the same, and now I'm addicted to doubling my cheese, it's kind of a meat replacement thing.
In Wellington Subway's often they forget to charge you for double cheese coz it gets lost somewhere in the line of people making your sandwich but not where I am now. They ALWAYS charge me for it. It's an extra dollar to have cheese on a footlong.
One time I had a Subway melt. This is an idea someone I know who works at Subway suggested to me.
Cheese, three different kinds, toasted with ranch or italian sauces.
It's bloody good. But I've only ordered it once coz the Subway people look at you weird when they say "what do you want on that?" and you say "cheese, all three kinds", "what salads would you like?" "none, just cheese."
I don't usually like my cheese all melty so I don't usually get my sub toasted, usually fresh but the melt is something that NEEDS toasting, you need to taste the drippy cheese.
Great stuff.
I dunno, am I obsessive? Why can't I handle change? Will I ever change my sauces?
Who knows.
Oh, by the way, I'm resigning on Friday.

Varelai.

Death and marriage

A colleague was just talking about how someone she knew had died and the dead woman was only a few years older than her.
Death is a funny thing, after experiencing it first with my aunty, then my granddad then my nana, I've come to be complacent about it.
Old people die and funerals are there to celebrate their lives.
Of course, it's different when someone my age dies, it's confusing and terribly sad, it hurts at the very core of myself.
The thing is, it must be scary as someone in their 40's-80's when your friends start dying.
For me, death is a far away thing, it happens to old people but not to my friends and not to me quite yet.
Right now, the scary thing is who will be the first of my friends to get married? Who will be the first to have a baby?
Those are the scariest things I have to deal with at my age, worrying, why are they getting married at 18 and I haven't even found a partner?
But as you get older and you and your friends are all married with children, death is the next concern.
Who's health is deterriorating? Who will die first? Who will die next?
It must be scary when your first friend dies.
I'm at a point where friends are everything to me, especially alone in a small town, they remind me that life is okay so the thought of them dying is terrifying and so so sad, it is that feeling where your heart just hurts because you never ever want it to happen.
I wouldn't know how to deal with it.
I said to a friend recently that if she died I would quit my job and cry for days and she, being very practical said if I did that, she would come back and haunt me.
I feel like I couldn't survive if she, or any of my other friends died because it's incomprehensible to me at this stage.
Old people die but not young people.
Right now, my biggest concern is marriage, who's gonna get married?
I spoke to a colleague once about her friend's beginning to get married, she's 21 and her friends, at her age were just beginning to start getting married and beginning to have children.
She felt scared about it, sure, they're growing up but she said it wouldn't make her get married any sooner, also fair enough.
I hope the death of a friend is something that is a long way off for me, particularly of natural causes. Of course suicide could happen at any time but I always hope none of my friends would be selfish enough to do that to me or their families.
The stages of life are so interesting, the things you worry about at different ages.
I'm concerned that if I'm working now, I'll never be able to stop working so I'll never study more, never travel and never have kids. Just work.
But at a different stage in my life, those concerns will be entirely irrelevant.
Who knows.

Varelai.