The Mountain

Life is a mountain
I climb and climb and climb.

I get to the top, conquering all:
All my fears and all my goals
All the steep rises and falls.

I can move no further,
I have taken a long, winding road,
only to look around
and find the reward I was promised,
shrouded in cloud.

I don't see anything, I just see grey
Cold, wet, wispy hands wrap around me,
The freezing wind shoves me backwards and forwards

The view from the top is not all it's cracked up to be.

Clarity

A lot of things are really unclear for me right now.

On Friday I crashed my car. I'm okay, the lady in the other car was okay. Both cars are more or less okay. One of my indicator lights is broken and I swiped the side of her car. It was rainy and foggy and I didn't see her.
At least she didn't yell.
Earlier that week I swiped someone's side mirror off and got a call from the police saying they wouldn't press charges but that I needed to buy this person a new mirror.
Needless to say, I don't really feel like driving right now, in fact, I have quit, I mean not to drive anymore for the forseeable future.
Without a car I feel trapped, isolated, disabled and empty. I've never been afraid of driving, even when I was 10 and learning on the farm. It scares me to be scared of something I've always loved. I've always been a natural driver, it's always been second nature to me to drive.
I've been working two jobs for two weeks now. A job in the morning from 9-12 then a second job from 3-8pm. Clearly working two jobs has made me so tired I can barely even drive or concentrate. Which is problematic, given one of my jobs WAS driving. My night job was driving around town delivering weed to customers. I've had to give it up now obviously because of my new found fear of driving but in fact, this was a job I REALLY enjoyed, it's the best job I've ever had because I loved driving, it was not only my ONLY hobby, it was a passion and it was my job.

Then there's the people I met on the job, I really liked them. There were a few people in particular I liked more than others. People I really cared about. One guy in particular, I got along really well with and I miss him already. I loved his personality but like the rest of them, he is addicted to weed and that is an issue for me, having a father who has been addicted to the stuff for 30 years. But I really like him.

My sexuality has been debatable for some time and why should this situation be any different?

There's a girl. There's always a girl and a guy. To confuse you and to confuse me.
I think with the girl, the feelings are the natural feelings I get for the majority of my new friends. I often get feelings for new female friends. I can't help it, it's just one of the stages of friendship for me. So I have a slight crush on her. She's gorgeous, anyone with eyes can see that and no one would blame me. She's funny and intelligent. It's just how it goes. Our friendship will deepen, I'll come out of the honeymoon phase and we'll just be friends, with a really close, good friendship.
I feel like I have a chance with the guy, I don't know much about him, he makes me laugh. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend. I guess I need to get his number and find out all the things I want to know. I want to just ask him to lunch or dinner or something. Get to know him, ya know.

In the past few months I've realised that sometimes in life, you meet someone that you just IMMEDIATELY connect with. Someone you know you love from the word go, whether that love is friendly or romantic, you just know. Both of these new people I have felt an immediate connection to.
I met someone else not so long ago and it was clear from the word go that that connection WASN'T there. There was no spark, no glue, no gel holding us together. But that is not like these people, we laugh, we talk with ease.

So yea, a lot of things are really unclear for me right now.

Impulsivity

I seem to be getting more and more impulsive.
Quitting university was a very impulsive decision.
I seem to be making decisions now, without really thinking them out at all and how they'll work out with my schedule.
Impulsivity, as I learnt at university, is related to psychopathy. Am I a psychopath because I'm impulsive? Am I becoming more psychopathic as I become more impulsive?
I'm buying things without thinking about whether or not I have enough money and even if I know I don't have enough money, I'm buying stuff anyway.
I'm committing to things without thinking but maybe previously in my life I've thought too much and a bit of impulsivity will be useful in my life.
It relates back to How I Met Your Mother again, funnily enough, Ted thinks too much, he doesn't DO, he thinks. I've always been a thinker too, never just DOING things, always over thinking everything but now I'm becoming impulsive and it's getting scary. I'm so out of my depth, I'm taking uncalculated risks and that makes my heart pound in my chest. I have NO idea what I'm getting myself into in some areas of my life and I'm scared. I'm somewhat excited but not thinking can NEVER lead to anything good. All angles must be discovered, all facts taken into account before decisions are made but right now, I'm not doing that.

Agh!

V.

Fate

Hey guys,
I know I'm useless and stopped the 30 day challenge but I had a lot of other stuff going on and was very busy.
Today I want to blog about fate. I've been watching a lot of the show How I Met Your Mother lately, a show that focuses on hindsight and all the events that led up to Ted meeting the mother of his children.
We learn in this show that if Ted or his friends do or don't do certain things, their lives may not have ended up the way they did, which may have led to Ted not meeting the mother of his children. By the way, I call her "the mother of his children" because we never actually find out how Ted meets this woman and we never actually find out who this woman is but we follow all the events up till that day.
For example, Ted got a job offer in Chicago (by the way, this story IS going somewhere), but he and his girlfriend missed the flight because he had to go to court because he jumped over a turnstyle because he had to save Barney from the train because Barney's legs stopped working because he ran a marathon because Marshall couldn't run it because Marshall broke his toe and it just goes on and on like that. So the story goes that if one event hadn't happened, the rest wouldn't have happened and perhaps he would have caught the flight to Chicago, got the job and then he would not have met the children's mother because he meets her in New York.

So, now for the point. Yesterday I quit university. Some of you will now be saying/thinking "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK". Yes, I know. It wasn't the most logical or rational decision I've ever made but it happened and it's too late to go back now.
I guess I need to explain why I quit before I go on to the idea of fate (although some of you may already have some idea where this is going).
I quit university because I don't enjoy writing essays, I felt lonely there because you are constantly expected to work independently, you don't have colleagues to work with or talk to like in an office and I wasn't happy in general. Also, I missed the money you get when you work. I didn't know why I was there so I figured I had no reason to be there in the first place.
So I lay awake one sleepless night and thought about my options and thought "I'm going to quit university and get a job". Of course, it's not that EASY to get a job and I found that out last time when it took me 6 months but I had forgotten that fact at the time.

So now we know that I've quit university and my reasons for doing so. So let's go back to last night when I lay on the couch and walked around the house thinking "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, what the fuck have I done?!?!?!" I was feeling depressed and empty. I had lost direction in my life because I had no idea what I was going to now do with my life. University was my plan for the next three years and now I don't have a plan.
Then I thought back to How I Met Your Mother. What if my decision to quit university was what was MEANT to happen? What if quitting university leads to the next huge event in my life? What if I meet my life partner because I get a job where she is? I wouldn't have got that job and met her had I still been at university. See, fate.

Then today, someone on Facebook I went to school with, posted a video about the school in 2009. It looked like so much fun, all my classmates all having fun. Then I thought, well, maybe I shouldn't have left school because if I hadn't left school, I would have been experiencing those fun times with those people. BUT then I remember what I was doing in 2009. I met some of the most amazing people I know because I chose to leave school. I don't regret a thing about that year while I was getting my diploma with 26 or so amazing people. It was fate that I left school, sure I didn't get those REALLY fun experiences with those classmates but I had fun all the same. If I hadn't got my diploma with those people, so many things wouldn't have happened and my life would be SO different. Plus, that video is just a trailer for a movie, the movie of life that year. In trailers only all the best bits are shown, the shit bits are not and I'm sure for that 4 minutes of video, that time when fun things happened, there were exams and tests and fights and drama and BAD stuff and boring bits that all happen in the movies. The trailer is a misleading portrayal of the events of that year so maybe I wasn't missing that much after all.

So I just hope that my leaving university, a decision I AM kind of regretting right now, was the right thing to do and will lead to more amazing stuff. That's the thing about hindsight, everything is so much clearer and you can see all angles, angles you can't see in the present. In hindsight, leaving school was the right decision, I hope in a year or two I can look back and in hindsight decide that leaving university was also fate and also the RIGHT decision.

V.

Drugs and alcohol

Hey there,

Today's topic is "Your views on drugs and alcohol", this is day 10. 1/3rd of the way there!
Well, my views in general are that people should be able to do whatever they want as long as they're not hurting anyone else.
I have no problem with drugs such as weed because it is generally pretty harmless and makes people pretty laid back generally.
Alcohol is fine as long as you don't get out of control. I know people who could be considered alcoholics because they drink almost daily, get wasted and become harmful to themselves, which then effects the people around them.
That is what you don't want.
I've heard people say that perhaps weed should be legalised and alcohol should be made illegal because when someone's high on weed, they don't get in the car and drive, possibly causing an accident and killing someone like when someone drives drunk. They also don't get high and beat their wives like some men do when drunk.
On the other hand, weed can cause schitzophrenia and other mental disorders, which are harmful to a person's life.

In the end, I think it's up to choice and responsibility. If you are going to drink or do drugs, you should ensure you do it responsibly so you don't hurt anyone else in the process. Know your limits, don't get COMPLETELY trashed. There's no point in that.

V.

The Last Kiss

Today in the thirty day challenge the statement to talk about is "your last kiss".
It was two years ago. Can you believe that?
She was gorgeous. She was not my girlfriend. It felt kind of like a one night stand but it was just a little intimate kissing.
We didn't speak again after that day. We weren't very good friends anyway, we were more like associates I guess. I don't hate her though. We had a great time that night, we were both feeling a little sexual so we acted on that.

I just can't believe it's been so long, I need some mouth to mouth action!

V.

Worry

Today's topic for the 30 day challenge is "Something you're worried about".
I'm worried about university, it's a constant worry for me now days. It's essay after essay after essay and I'm not sure I can get them finished. I have one that just needs another 100 words out of 1000 so just needs a conclusion but then after that I'll have 12 days to write another three essays. I thought 10 days for one was bad but now, fuck.

Worry will probably make me sick, which will make me more incapable of doing essays.
Also, I need glasses that are still a week away! I can't read large amounts until I get them.

V.