Depression

Hey guys,

I know I haven't properly blogged in a long time and for that I apologise but you know how I am.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to see a doctor because I think I have depression in some form and think it's time I stopped denying what's wrong and stopped being sad about nothing all the time and got some help.
I'm up at midnight, partly because I've spent the night with some politically like-minded friends but also because I'm very nervous about seeing the doctor tomorrow. My main fear is that they'll tell me nothing's wrong. I know something's wrong, I'm not myself and haven't been for months. I'm incredibly over-emotional, I cry about everything, which I never have before. In some ways I'm more myself than ever but emotionally, I am a different person and I can't cope with feeling this way anymore.
The problem is, nothing in my life is wrong, everything's going better than it ever has, I have two part time jobs, which I enjoy and two hobbies, one in politics and one with queer youth, which I am also extremely happy and excited about. But I'm not happy in general, I feel empathy where I never did before, I cry about irrational things like TV shows, I miss people more than I did before etc.
It's frustrating because things are finally starting to go well in my life and still, I have never been sadder. It's really confusing.
I've known for some years that I get winter depression and get it so bad I can't function properly in a job or in life but I've never done anything about it because it's always gone away after winter and I felt fine but now it's not winter yet and I'm still feeling terrible all the time so now is time to stop that, especially before it gets worse when winter arrives.
The other fear I have is that the doctor will make me see a councellor and that is something I can't do. The problem, as I explained before, is that there IS no problem. My life is perfect, I'm happy with 89% of it so I have no reason to feel so sad all the time, I feel like my heart is constantly breaking. I don't know what I'd even say to a councellor coz there is no concrete problem they could possibly fix, there is only the irrational sadness amongst a happy life.
The final fear is that taking anti-depressants will make me less myself. Something Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance said has always stuck with me. You all know how much MCR has always meant to me and even though I'm not as obsessed anymore, what he said in my favourite interview with him, still means something to me. This is the video. He says "I notice a lot of people think they can solve their problems with anti-depressants... It really strips people of who they are, your quirks, your problems, even your depressions, your failures, that's what makes you, you and there's a lot of drugs that take that away from you."
I'm scared of what he'd think of me. I'm scared that being on anti-depressants will make me a weak person, although, looking at the situation objectively, I couldn't possibly be weaker than I feel right now but I don't want to be viewed as weak or crazy because of my mental health issues. I don't want people to see my taking pills as "the easy way out" but more than that, I don't want to lose who I am because I've only just discovered her again after years of locking her away to be a serious, skeptical, cynical, jaded journalist, I am more myself than ever and I can't face losing that again. I don't want to become someone who can't feel at all, who is all neutral for good and bad because the drugs strip me of who I am. I don't want to disappoint Gerard but I DO have a problem, it's not so bad that I can't get out of bed but it's no less a problem and I do need to deal with it before it gets more serious and suicide, the other "easy way out" becomes more of an option.

I guess lack of sleep will do me no good but I needed to get this off my chest and rationalise about what tomorrow will bring.
I may update you but I may not, I make no promises.

Varelai.