Hindsight really sucks

I just watched Pink Floyd’s The Wall for the first time in a long time, it’s a movie that’s always represented the part of me that is completely insane, the part of me that would like to trash a hotel room and smash a TV with a guitar.
Today I had a bad day, I’m not sure why but I was just angry and impatient. I hated everyone’s driving but my own and wanted to be alone a lot. Maybe I’m tired, maybe part of it is also homesickness.
As some of you will know, I’m currently back up in the Wairarapa where I lived and worked for three months. Sure I’m doing something different but being up here has made me think long and hard about the decisions I’ve made in the past four or five months.
Luckily, tomorrow is my last day up here after two weeks of work so very soon I can go home to my mum and my cats and relax.
I went to see my old colleagues while I was up here. Maybe that’s why I’m so moody today. I miss my old job so much. I hold a lot of regret for leaving after only three months.
I recall I was so happy to be home at the time but whether or not it was the right decision, is still beyond me.
I miss my colleagues, I miss writing (something I don’t do enough of now days), I miss making money and I miss being appreciated and hated, both aspects that come with the job.
I also miss my independence, I miss cooking every second night with my flatmate, I miss doing the dishes every second night too. Fuck, I actually really miss my flatmate. Those of you who know me well, know that my flatmate and I didn’t always get on as we were two VERY different people but I really miss having her around. Life with her was kind of like living in reality TV, it was the TV show where an odd couple live together, the hunter and the vegetarian. That was us but we handled it well… Mostly.
The biggest regret I have is that when I finally resigned, I had an exit interview with the manager of the place and afterwards he talked to the guy who was in charge of our department. At my last drinks, the guy in charge of our department then said to me “why didn’t you tell me you were so stressed and finding it so hard? We could have worked around it.” I look back now and I think FUCK, I never really thought that the stress I was feeling could have been all wiped up had I just TALKED to the guy and said “the demands of my job are too hard”.
Had I done that, I would still have had a job 4 months later and I wouldn’t be sitting here regretting every little fucking thing I’ve ever done or failed to do.
I don’t think I understand now, the pain I was feeling back then, I no longer understand how much past me was missing her family and friends. Present me just says “wtf, why?” Friends I felt were so important back then, I’ve recently realised are completely useless to me now. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown a lot of my friends, where we used to like similar things, we don’t anymore, where we used to talk every day, we talk once or twice a month or not at all. I quit my job and moved home just to find out the “friends” I moved home for, were not worth it in the first place.
I have to say, that was a total kick in the teeth. Of course, there are some friends who are worth it but they are friends who I would have kept no matter how far away I lived. I could have been living in Japan and they’d still talk to me once a week or more and would still care for me like we lived next door to each other.
Another worry right now is money. I don’t know if I’m going to last till March when university starts to start getting paid again.
I’m scared. I’ll admit that to you blog, I am fucking terrified about the future, I don’t know how I’m going to cope for the next few months or if I’ll even be able to find more work.
Hindsight aeh, she is a fucking bitch. Had I known four months ago what I know now, that work is SOOOOOOOOOO hard to find and that coming home was bad, not good, maybe I would have stayed in that job.
I just needed more feedback from the guy in charge of our department, had he told me once in a while that my work was good and that I was doing all the right things, maybe I would have felt more secure in my job, maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell him I was having trouble.

You really fucked up this time, kid.

Varelai.

Regret

So many regrets,
Never knowing if the right choice was made.
Should I have kissed him? Should I have kissed her?
Was walking away the best decision I've ever made?
Or the worst?
If I'd turned around, would things be different?
Would you be nicer? Would you still want to die?
Where would we be now if we'd let our animal instincts take control?
Hindsight's a bitch.
Looking back, we have all the answers,
Would things be different had we known it all earlier?



Just a short poem today to let you all know I'm still alive, sorry I've been a bit absent, there's been a lot happening in my life, mostly to do with the actions of others that have greatly affected my wellbeing.
But things are looking up, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can gladly say, it's not just the train coming.
I guess in the last few weeks I've learnt a lot, one of those things is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, it just stresses you out and frustrates them.
Some of the stuff that's gone on, I've wanted to blog about but I guess it would be one of those situations where anger would get in the way of my writing and it would get a bit too personal for use on the internet.

I've started a new project where I take one photo a day for 365 days, just as a way to build my creativity back up I guess but also to give me something to do and focus on while I'm looking for another job. All the photos go up on Flickr and Facebook currently so they're quite accessable publically if you ask.

I've started playing World of Warcraft again, started on the 21st of last month so have been back at that for a while now and am getting quite far in the game because of all the spare time I have but that's another reason I haven't been blogging quite as frequently.

Another new change I've made is the decision to let go of anyone in my life who was using me for their own purposes.
These people have made me angry and frustrated for years and because I generally am quite nice natured, I often get used and abused when someone wants something and then dumped unceremoniously when they have gotten all they can out of me.
Well no more mrs nice girl, I no longer have time in my life to put up with anyone who doesn't give me back what I put into a friendship.
I'm not just talking physical stuff like money or petrol, I'm talking time as well. I don't have time for someone who will sit there and talk about themselves for hours without letting me get a word in edgewise. That's not a conversation, that's you talking.
But physical stuff does come into it. I don't actually mind driving people around if they pay me for the petrol but constantly using me to drive you around without any petrol money just gets me pissed off. Learn to drive, don't fucking use me for your transport, I'm not a fucking bus. I don't mind being a taxi though, but those fares are very important if you just want a ride and it won't benefit me in some way. Give and take guys, give and take.

So that's a basic overview of my life right now,
I hope you're all okay, I believe the ones who were using me don't have access to this blog anyway so if you're reading this, you're probably a friend, not an enemy.

Varelai.