The pain reminds us that we're still alive

Hello June, you kinda snuck up on us there.
I guess since we'll be spending the next 30 days together, we should get used to each other.
But please please make this horrible weather go away, we need some December weather, STAT.
So we're half way through the year before we even had a chance to blink.
Amazing.
I've been working now for a month, it's been hard, easy, interesting, boring, depressing, tiring and sometimes a bit of fun.

I'm in quite a lot of pain lately, my neck, shoulders and upper back are killing me with my arms and legs beginning to also take on some of the pain.
Soon I will be in complete pain when my body decides it wants to torture me.
Also, I burnt my tongue on coffee at a nice cafe but still, too hot coffee.
So my tongue also hurts.
It could be from sleeping in an inferior quality bed or it could be from lugging 4 bottles of 4L of water from mum's house to mine. I only had to carry them from the railway station onto the train then off the train at another railway station and to the car then out of the car to the house.
It wasn't that much lugging but I guess it has pained my muscles, even two days later.
I did go to Mum's for the weekend, it was beneficial for me to do so, I miss my house and my cat etc so it was great to see them again.

Recently I've worked out that I spend so much time convincing myself I'm straight and then my brain says "sorry Varelai, fuck you, you like girls" and gives me sexy dreams of a Facebook friend I've met once.
She's a good looking girl for sure and she's gay so maybe having sexy dreams about her is less bad.
But still, it was inappropriate and I do not appreciate my brain giving me these sorts of thoughts.
In the small town I live in currently, it's easier to be straight. It's a small town and in small towns, you will often be stoned or burned at the stake if you are gay, I'm only half joking.
For a while now, I haven't really known what my sexuality is, up here I've been quite boy crazy and am willing to marry a dude and all that stuff but suddenly my brain thinks I need a wake up call and decides to confuse me a little by thrusting a good looking girl in front of me.
I'm still going to feign straight in this town, no one knows my sexuality, no one has asked and I laugh when they joke about "faggotry" so maybe now my hair is longer, they will never know I used to practise faggotry and still sometimes think about the possibility of practising it again.
As you may have read previously, I have written a poem about a girl, she was never my girlfriend but she was a girl who at that time, struck me as beautiful.
I've also written about a guy I'm extremely attracted to and have been for some time.
I like people, I don't like genders. I'm going to fall in love with a person, girl or guy, I don't care what their sexual organs are, I just care that I love them and they love me.
I don't want to cut off my options of love by saying something like "I will never date another girl" coz that is simply not true and will halve my chances of finding love.
I am too young to decide completely on the gender of the person I want to date, especially until I have experienced a proper relationship with both genders.
I just don't want my brain to remind me about how confused I am with this whole issue.

Varelai.