Just from the title, I bet most of you will know exactly the day I'm talking about.
If you don't, you're probably in love.
Yes, I'm talking about Valentines Day. A day I have despised for at least 13 years or so (considering I probably wasn't conscious of how shitty this day was before the age of 5.)
I have never had a Valentine. I have never, in 18 years, had someone, a lover, to spend Valentines Day with.
Why does it matter?
When you think about it, it's just a commercial day. An excuse for lovey dovey assholes to spend lots of money.
BUT, in doing that, they seem to get overly happy which is fine.
The thing that is not fine is the fact I am NOT overly happy.
Sure, life's okay sometimes and I'm happy sometimes.
But on Valentines day, I am never happy.
Okay so I'm lonely and bitter but seeing people in love makes me feel even MORE lonely and ten times more bitter.
Tonight I went to see the movie Valentines Day which I enjoyed a lot because it had a degree of the anger I feel towards this "fake holiday".
We don't get a day off for Valentines which makes it feel like a rather pointless thing to be celebrating.
If it really MATTERED like Christmas etc does, we would get a day off to celebrate and commemorate it.
But it doesn't because it's just an excuse to spend money.
In reality though, I don't blame the lovers for expressing themselves on this day or any day.
I'd rather they didn't do it TOO much near me but I understand because if I had a partner, I'd always want to show them (publically and privately) how much they mean to me.
The most I have is a long term crush which goes nowhere but makes me feel crazy and SOMETIMES stalkerish.
The dude I have this crush on has a girlfriend though.
He is NOT, by the way, the guy mentioned in a previous blog post.
The weird thing about crushes is they're from a distance so you never really know the person.
For me, I know this guy is pretty. My friends like to disagree but I think he's gorgeous but as far as his personality goes, I have some idea but I'm not hugely sure.
I know he's intelligent as well as funny and sarcastic.
A good combination in my opinion.
Last Valentines Day I bought some of my friends a yellow rose each to represent friendship and so they'd feel loved even if I didn't.
I think I may do the same this year but last year it felt good to see people happy but it wasn't ENOUGH to make me feel completely happy or satisfied.
So if I got almost nothing out of it last year, maybe it's not worth it this year.
I'm sure it felt good for them though. But sometimes as good as giving feels, sometimes a person needs some recieving.
Just like in a sexual relationship I guess (not that I would have ANY clue about this) but in a coupling, it often feels good to do good things for your partner and that is somewhat satisfying but it is human nature to NEED things done for you as well.
Give and take, always.
That's all for tonight,
Sorry I've been slow on the blogging front, I've been busier than ever but still doing less than ever.
Plus, it's hard to kinda think of ideas good enough to fill the space I have.
Varelai.
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And once again I just HAVE to comment!
ReplyDeleteThis was just perfect timing with this blogpost tonight, because I thought about this whole Valentine-business today. It's just annoying. Those who are alone feel miserable for being alone. They may already feel pretty shitty about that all around the year, but that particular time of the year it's even worse (at least for me it is, anyway).
But on the other hand, there are those who are with someone. And when you are single and all by yourself and alone and lonely and you look at the couple walking past, holding hands, smiling, you think they must be happy. But are they really? Do they feel better on Valentine's Day?
I don't think so. I was part of a smiling, hand-holding, "happy" Valentine's Day-couple last year... - and looking back on it, I wasn't happy at all. I wanted to be, I tried really hard to be happy, but I think I was just lying to myself. Because with Valentine's Day coming up, even if you refuse to take part, all of a sudden you get these expectations. You find yourself expecting something special from your partner. Your partner may expect something special from you. And all the other people in your environment (friends, family...) expect something special to happen, too. And the more you expect, the more you stress out about things and the bigger is the dissappointment in the end.
A couple of days ago during my daily read I came across a quotation that set me thinking. I can't quite remember who that guy was who said that (some sort of philosopher, I think it was), but he said that people are always unhappy, because they expect everyone else to be more happy than themselves. They think every else has more luck/is happier/has a better life than themselves.
I think that's actually true. I sometimes find myself thinking that all the people I pass on the way home must be happier than I am. "I bet they have someone at home waiting for them, partners, families, pets... they have a job..."
Maybe they do, but who knows? They might aswell just SEEM to be better off than I am. But they also could go home to a cold and dark flat, where no one is waiting for them. They might have no family (not even far away) or pets and have trouble at work. Who knows. They could be happier, but at the same token they could also be less happy than I am. And that is something we should try to remind ourselves of: Others than me are not necessarily in a better situation just for the simple fact that they are someone else than me.
Other people may have thought I was happy around Valentine's day last year. But in fact, I wasn't, so where's the point?