Clarity

A lot of things are really unclear for me right now.

On Friday I crashed my car. I'm okay, the lady in the other car was okay. Both cars are more or less okay. One of my indicator lights is broken and I swiped the side of her car. It was rainy and foggy and I didn't see her.
At least she didn't yell.
Earlier that week I swiped someone's side mirror off and got a call from the police saying they wouldn't press charges but that I needed to buy this person a new mirror.
Needless to say, I don't really feel like driving right now, in fact, I have quit, I mean not to drive anymore for the forseeable future.
Without a car I feel trapped, isolated, disabled and empty. I've never been afraid of driving, even when I was 10 and learning on the farm. It scares me to be scared of something I've always loved. I've always been a natural driver, it's always been second nature to me to drive.
I've been working two jobs for two weeks now. A job in the morning from 9-12 then a second job from 3-8pm. Clearly working two jobs has made me so tired I can barely even drive or concentrate. Which is problematic, given one of my jobs WAS driving. My night job was driving around town delivering weed to customers. I've had to give it up now obviously because of my new found fear of driving but in fact, this was a job I REALLY enjoyed, it's the best job I've ever had because I loved driving, it was not only my ONLY hobby, it was a passion and it was my job.

Then there's the people I met on the job, I really liked them. There were a few people in particular I liked more than others. People I really cared about. One guy in particular, I got along really well with and I miss him already. I loved his personality but like the rest of them, he is addicted to weed and that is an issue for me, having a father who has been addicted to the stuff for 30 years. But I really like him.

My sexuality has been debatable for some time and why should this situation be any different?

There's a girl. There's always a girl and a guy. To confuse you and to confuse me.
I think with the girl, the feelings are the natural feelings I get for the majority of my new friends. I often get feelings for new female friends. I can't help it, it's just one of the stages of friendship for me. So I have a slight crush on her. She's gorgeous, anyone with eyes can see that and no one would blame me. She's funny and intelligent. It's just how it goes. Our friendship will deepen, I'll come out of the honeymoon phase and we'll just be friends, with a really close, good friendship.
I feel like I have a chance with the guy, I don't know much about him, he makes me laugh. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend. I guess I need to get his number and find out all the things I want to know. I want to just ask him to lunch or dinner or something. Get to know him, ya know.

In the past few months I've realised that sometimes in life, you meet someone that you just IMMEDIATELY connect with. Someone you know you love from the word go, whether that love is friendly or romantic, you just know. Both of these new people I have felt an immediate connection to.
I met someone else not so long ago and it was clear from the word go that that connection WASN'T there. There was no spark, no glue, no gel holding us together. But that is not like these people, we laugh, we talk with ease.

So yea, a lot of things are really unclear for me right now.