Hey,
For the last four years or more, I've written a summary of my year in the form of a list of things I've learnt that year.
This year is no different.
It's weird because as I look back on other years where I've summed up the things I've learnt, I'm realising that some years I learn the same things over and over again. Sometimes you think you've learnt a lesson in a year but haven't at all, if you keep making the same mistake, you have NOT learnt your lesson.
So, I'll begin by acknowledging a lesson I learnt this year that I thought I'd learnt way back in 2008.
>>> Try everything, you'll regret the things you DON'T do more than the things you WILL do. If I had REALLY learnt this lesson back in 2008, believe it or not, I would have a lot less regrets than I currently do, so here's hoping in 2011, I do EVERYTHING and regret NOTHING.
>>> I do not need to put up with people who use me, they can be easily cut away from my life like fat off a piece of steak.
>>> Flatmates can teach you a lot about life, sometimes living with a complete stranger can be the best thing you've ever done.
>>> Two people who are complete opposites can still be friends, they can even live together if they are tollerant of each other.
>>> Leaving home for the first time is scary, especially if you're moving a long distance away.
>>> Sometimes keeping in contact with your family just makes you miss them more.
>>> Working in the real world is stressful and tiring and unless you love your job, some days will not feel like it's worth waking up.
>>> As a Journalist I've learnt one man's tragedy is another man's excitement.
>>> As a Journalist I've also learnt dealing with grieving people and intruding on their privacy is hard and some decisions a Journalist will make will haunt them.
>>> Gaining a diploma is more difficult than anyone could possibly imagine but it CAN be done and finishing such a long process IS the greatest accomplishment I've ever made.
>>> When something is hard, giving up should never be an option, no matter how hard that thing is. Things must be seen through to their completion.
>>> Death is never easy. Whether someone's been fighting an illness for a long time or a kitten suddenly gets hit by a car one night, death can leave a person shaken.
>>> You never know how you'll react to someone/something's death until it happens, sometimes, even if you didn't actually know someone, their death can hit you like a freight train.
>>> Change can happen. Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed in America this month (see previous blog for more), this is a sign the world is changing and gay people in this world are finally gaining acceptance or at least a little more tollerance.
>>> Try not to judge a person by their family, just because you dislike my dad or my cousin's a slut or my aunty's a drunk doesn't mean I have ever done anything wrong or am anything like them.
>>> Just because someone wants to sleep with you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. It doesn't matter how desperate you are or how flattering their attempts are, if it's not right, it's not right.
>>> Just because someone you used to know adds you as a friend on Facebook, doesn't mean you have to accept them, even if they add you 10 times. If you no longer want them in your life, they don't have to be in your life.
>>> Solving your problems at work and making your job less stressful is as EASY as talking to your boss. You don't have to leave when the going gets tough, your boss will be able to sort something out so there's a way around the problem.
>>> Finding work is hard, sometimes, even after 5 months, you can't find a job. Don't give up your job if you already have one.
>>> Some events in your life will be utterly disasterous, every single part of the event will go wrong and it will leave you feeling like crying in a dark corner but don't let that stop you from trying again and continuing to take risks.
That's it, happy new year.
V.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Making history
Yesterday, history was made.
On the 19th of December, 2010 the American government repealed Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which allowed gay people to join the military and fight for their country but ONLY if they did not tell anyone that they were gay.
So, from this day forward, gay men and women will be able to serve in the military openly, telling whoever they want and hopefully, not being judged for that.
As you know by now, I am an advocate for gay rights and human rights so this is a very important day for me.
Harvey Milk died defending the rights of gays, standing up for them, fighting for them and today, he is looking down on this earth, fucking proud of what is happening. CHANGE is coming, like it or not.
This is the start of a huge change in the world, because America has repealed this horrible law, we are one step closer to being able to marry who we want to marry and live our lives like any other person. I dream of a world where if you're anti gay rights you will be judged as scornfully as those who supported segregation are now judged.
America elected a black president in 2008 and former American president Jimmy Carter, recently said he believes America is ready for a a gay president at some time in the near future.
Someone tweeted this today: "John McCain: "Today is a very sad day." Dude, we didn't ask you, so don't fucking tell us. #DADT".
This is the day where the ridiculous policy of don't ask, don't tell, can be used against people like John McCain, who still believes gay's openly serving in the military will "cause more harm than good". But we don't care because we didn't ask for his opinion so we would appreciate it, if he didn't tell us about it.
We are not sick, we are not wrong. We have won the war at last. Sure, it's just the start but now, everyone can see the rain has gone and a rainbow is coming out across the world. We will continue to fight against the prejudices that hold us down until the day we are considered important members of society, as important as any straight member of society.
V.
On the 19th of December, 2010 the American government repealed Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which allowed gay people to join the military and fight for their country but ONLY if they did not tell anyone that they were gay.
So, from this day forward, gay men and women will be able to serve in the military openly, telling whoever they want and hopefully, not being judged for that.
As you know by now, I am an advocate for gay rights and human rights so this is a very important day for me.
Harvey Milk died defending the rights of gays, standing up for them, fighting for them and today, he is looking down on this earth, fucking proud of what is happening. CHANGE is coming, like it or not.
This is the start of a huge change in the world, because America has repealed this horrible law, we are one step closer to being able to marry who we want to marry and live our lives like any other person. I dream of a world where if you're anti gay rights you will be judged as scornfully as those who supported segregation are now judged.
America elected a black president in 2008 and former American president Jimmy Carter, recently said he believes America is ready for a a gay president at some time in the near future.
Someone tweeted this today: "John McCain: "Today is a very sad day." Dude, we didn't ask you, so don't fucking tell us. #DADT".
This is the day where the ridiculous policy of don't ask, don't tell, can be used against people like John McCain, who still believes gay's openly serving in the military will "cause more harm than good". But we don't care because we didn't ask for his opinion so we would appreciate it, if he didn't tell us about it.
We are not sick, we are not wrong. We have won the war at last. Sure, it's just the start but now, everyone can see the rain has gone and a rainbow is coming out across the world. We will continue to fight against the prejudices that hold us down until the day we are considered important members of society, as important as any straight member of society.
V.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Regret and more regret
It seems that as life goes on, regret is something that constantly builds up. Every action a person takes has an equal and opposite reaction and every action has consequences, which sometimes lead to regret.
Regret is not always a bad thing.
Recently, someone I knew in school began talking to me. At first, I found it strange, because we never talked in school but sometime in the past, we became Facebook friends and a few weeks ago at around 10-11pm, she was bored out of her brains and decided to talk to me.
We've talked every day since. We've even met up once, where we chatted for all of three hours about a number of things.
It's strange coz in school I was kind of under the impression that she and her group disliked me or were just too cool for me.
It's funny how life outside of highschool is so different. She's not the person I thought she was at all. I enjoy talking to her very much.
This is where regret seeps into my life again. When she left school, she found her dream career, but not in Wellington. Unfortunately, her dream career led her to a town about 9 hours drive away on the other island and although she came back to Wellington for a while, tomorrow, she goes back there.
I guess, in short, I'm already attached to her.
Someone said recently that if you are a member of the starsign Libra, you form very deep, close attachments and bonds to the people in your life and since I am of that starsign (born in October), I definitely do this.
So, in the time this girl and I have been talking, just over a month, I already feel myself wanting to talk to her all the time and missing her when I'm not talking to her.
It's nothing more than a friendly thing, although it may seem like it is more but that's just me and the way I relate to people and those deep bonds that I need to form in my friendships.
I don't make new friends easily. I lose friends faster than I can count but making new friends is very difficult so I usually only have a few friends but those friends are the ones who make my life worth living, the ones who I love dearly and who mean everything to me. The few friends I have, I'm always very very close to and would share anything with them and do anything for them.
Maybe it's because it's late at night or maybe it's because of this attachment but the idea of this girl going back to somewhere so far away, makes me sad. I know I'll miss her a lot. It makes me wish I had the ability to stop myself making these attachments to people and remaining an arms-length away from them emotionally so that I couldn't like anyone enough to miss them.
It reminds me of Journalism school where we had a German student come and do our certificate and then eventually, diploma with us.
We talked a lot over that time and then when she eventually had to leave the country, I was devastated. She's now in London, as I have mentioned in a previous blog but it's still so far away from the place we both call home (little ol' New Zealand) that I still miss her a hell of a lot and her leaving was really hard for me, anyone we did the course with could see how much we bonded and how much I was going to miss her.
Maybe if I had the ability to not put my whole heart and soul into everything I do, I wouldn't find it so hard to let go of people.
It's so interesting to me that in only a month, this girl has gone from just being some girl I kind of knew at school to someone I really trust and who, as far as I can gather, trusts me back.
The other interesting thing is how different we are as people, she's a wild one, keen for a drink, a party, a smoke and maybe some form of C class drug and someone who drives a boyracer car with tinted windows and music that would send any normal person deaf in 5 minutes and I'm, well, I'm just not like that at all, as you probably know by now if I've given you the link to read this blog.
It's proof that opposites attract, even in friendships.
I know she'll be happier down south living her dream but it's hard for me because I've only just begun getting to know her and it's been comforting that some days she can just txt me and say "come round to my house" but she won't be able to do that anymore.
I guess my regret in this case just comes from what I feel was my stupidity in not getting to know her sooner. If I had just got to know her sooner, maybe even in school, I would have had more time to spend with her to know her better and to be a better friend to her but right now it feels like I was given this great thing, this great friendship and now I'm having it ripped away.
I know we'll still txt each other and talk on the internet but sometimes that human to human contact is still the best times a person can have and we didn't even have to be doing anything, just sitting, chatting in her car in the sun on the beach. It was just awesome.
I've begun believing lately that the universe will always provide a person with everything they need and in this time where I'm trying to get rid of the people in my life who make me feel bad (including some people I thought were my friends) or the people who use me, it's nice to know the universe said to this girl "hey, talk to her" and gave us both a new friend at a time where she is also looking for new friends and replacing old ones.
I guess the saying is right: If you love something, you must let it go. And for me, this is the second time this year I've had to just man up and let a friend go and do something that'll make them happy but it's kind of like a bird in a cage, they're gonna be unhappy if you keep them there because they need to be free. Even if it makes you sad to let them go, sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your own happiness for someone else. That is true friendship and true love.
Varelai.
Regret is not always a bad thing.
Recently, someone I knew in school began talking to me. At first, I found it strange, because we never talked in school but sometime in the past, we became Facebook friends and a few weeks ago at around 10-11pm, she was bored out of her brains and decided to talk to me.
We've talked every day since. We've even met up once, where we chatted for all of three hours about a number of things.
It's strange coz in school I was kind of under the impression that she and her group disliked me or were just too cool for me.
It's funny how life outside of highschool is so different. She's not the person I thought she was at all. I enjoy talking to her very much.
This is where regret seeps into my life again. When she left school, she found her dream career, but not in Wellington. Unfortunately, her dream career led her to a town about 9 hours drive away on the other island and although she came back to Wellington for a while, tomorrow, she goes back there.
I guess, in short, I'm already attached to her.
Someone said recently that if you are a member of the starsign Libra, you form very deep, close attachments and bonds to the people in your life and since I am of that starsign (born in October), I definitely do this.
So, in the time this girl and I have been talking, just over a month, I already feel myself wanting to talk to her all the time and missing her when I'm not talking to her.
It's nothing more than a friendly thing, although it may seem like it is more but that's just me and the way I relate to people and those deep bonds that I need to form in my friendships.
I don't make new friends easily. I lose friends faster than I can count but making new friends is very difficult so I usually only have a few friends but those friends are the ones who make my life worth living, the ones who I love dearly and who mean everything to me. The few friends I have, I'm always very very close to and would share anything with them and do anything for them.
Maybe it's because it's late at night or maybe it's because of this attachment but the idea of this girl going back to somewhere so far away, makes me sad. I know I'll miss her a lot. It makes me wish I had the ability to stop myself making these attachments to people and remaining an arms-length away from them emotionally so that I couldn't like anyone enough to miss them.
It reminds me of Journalism school where we had a German student come and do our certificate and then eventually, diploma with us.
We talked a lot over that time and then when she eventually had to leave the country, I was devastated. She's now in London, as I have mentioned in a previous blog but it's still so far away from the place we both call home (little ol' New Zealand) that I still miss her a hell of a lot and her leaving was really hard for me, anyone we did the course with could see how much we bonded and how much I was going to miss her.
Maybe if I had the ability to not put my whole heart and soul into everything I do, I wouldn't find it so hard to let go of people.
It's so interesting to me that in only a month, this girl has gone from just being some girl I kind of knew at school to someone I really trust and who, as far as I can gather, trusts me back.
The other interesting thing is how different we are as people, she's a wild one, keen for a drink, a party, a smoke and maybe some form of C class drug and someone who drives a boyracer car with tinted windows and music that would send any normal person deaf in 5 minutes and I'm, well, I'm just not like that at all, as you probably know by now if I've given you the link to read this blog.
It's proof that opposites attract, even in friendships.
I know she'll be happier down south living her dream but it's hard for me because I've only just begun getting to know her and it's been comforting that some days she can just txt me and say "come round to my house" but she won't be able to do that anymore.
I guess my regret in this case just comes from what I feel was my stupidity in not getting to know her sooner. If I had just got to know her sooner, maybe even in school, I would have had more time to spend with her to know her better and to be a better friend to her but right now it feels like I was given this great thing, this great friendship and now I'm having it ripped away.
I know we'll still txt each other and talk on the internet but sometimes that human to human contact is still the best times a person can have and we didn't even have to be doing anything, just sitting, chatting in her car in the sun on the beach. It was just awesome.
I've begun believing lately that the universe will always provide a person with everything they need and in this time where I'm trying to get rid of the people in my life who make me feel bad (including some people I thought were my friends) or the people who use me, it's nice to know the universe said to this girl "hey, talk to her" and gave us both a new friend at a time where she is also looking for new friends and replacing old ones.
I guess the saying is right: If you love something, you must let it go. And for me, this is the second time this year I've had to just man up and let a friend go and do something that'll make them happy but it's kind of like a bird in a cage, they're gonna be unhappy if you keep them there because they need to be free. Even if it makes you sad to let them go, sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your own happiness for someone else. That is true friendship and true love.
Varelai.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Music snobs
My Chemical Romance's new album came out a few weeks ago and I have to admit it is an unusual piece of work.
Fans seem to love or hate it. I happen to love it. Even the two songs I disliked at first are growing on me. I've listened to it many times now, more than I can count.
Some of my friends and MCR "fans", are really disappointed by the album, so much so, they wish they could get their money back.
I have to say that, for me their disappointment really hurt. I love the band and I really like the album and I've always defended the band and its actions so when they didn't like the album and said bad things about the band, I felt very defensive and angry at those friends.
I understood the friends who didn't like the album though, it's a different album, it's not like anything they've ever produced before. That, for some people is hard to comprehend.
The thing that gets to me is pretentious assholes. People who say the music is crap or parts of the music are crap.
What gives ANYONE the right to question a band who can sell millions of records or the producers of the albums that band brings out?
I don't care if you know a lot about music through education or through years of listening or even through playing music, if you're not a famous musician, who are you to question the decisions of a band musically?
You are no one. They are an internationally renouned band with albums and fans so clearly they know what they're doing.
Even if their direction seems strange or different, it is intentional and we have no right to judge that.
I hate music snobs who think their music taste is better than everyone elses. Sure, everyone in the universe thinks their music taste is better than everyone elses. Even I do but I'm open minded, willing to listen to anything to expand my musical knowledge because by being closed minded and saying "I will only listen to one genre", you often miss some of the most AMAZING music you will ever hear.
So when someone is pretentious and hates popular music or hates any music that's not classical music, that really fucks me off.
When someone criticises a band like MCR for a musical decision they've made but is too pretentious to properly listen to it because they have the attitude that"only classical artists make proper music" then they can fuck off. Perhaps they don't deserve the depth this new album brings. This album could save as many lives as any MCR album.
V.
Fans seem to love or hate it. I happen to love it. Even the two songs I disliked at first are growing on me. I've listened to it many times now, more than I can count.
Some of my friends and MCR "fans", are really disappointed by the album, so much so, they wish they could get their money back.
I have to say that, for me their disappointment really hurt. I love the band and I really like the album and I've always defended the band and its actions so when they didn't like the album and said bad things about the band, I felt very defensive and angry at those friends.
I understood the friends who didn't like the album though, it's a different album, it's not like anything they've ever produced before. That, for some people is hard to comprehend.
The thing that gets to me is pretentious assholes. People who say the music is crap or parts of the music are crap.
What gives ANYONE the right to question a band who can sell millions of records or the producers of the albums that band brings out?
I don't care if you know a lot about music through education or through years of listening or even through playing music, if you're not a famous musician, who are you to question the decisions of a band musically?
You are no one. They are an internationally renouned band with albums and fans so clearly they know what they're doing.
Even if their direction seems strange or different, it is intentional and we have no right to judge that.
I hate music snobs who think their music taste is better than everyone elses. Sure, everyone in the universe thinks their music taste is better than everyone elses. Even I do but I'm open minded, willing to listen to anything to expand my musical knowledge because by being closed minded and saying "I will only listen to one genre", you often miss some of the most AMAZING music you will ever hear.
So when someone is pretentious and hates popular music or hates any music that's not classical music, that really fucks me off.
When someone criticises a band like MCR for a musical decision they've made but is too pretentious to properly listen to it because they have the attitude that"only classical artists make proper music" then they can fuck off. Perhaps they don't deserve the depth this new album brings. This album could save as many lives as any MCR album.
V.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The imagination
I've had feelings for a guy for a long time now, about two years and today. I've never told him how I feel so I'm not sure if he knows or not.
Someone said to me today that it's probably good that after all this time, it hasn't ended in a relationship. Not that it would anyway but it's good I haven't told him, incase it did because after all this time, he's much better in my mind than he ever could be in real life.
I've spent almost two years fantasising about what he would be like as a boyfriend so maybe when I finally got him, my relationship would be disappointing and nothing like I ever imagined. It would end in resentment and unfulfilled expectations.
I had a dream about him the other night, I've dreamt about him a few times, this time we were in some form of school and a teacher asked us to write a letter to someone in our class. I wrote to him and said something I don't remember but then his reply was that he didn't necessarily want a relationship but he was willing to go out with me that night to talk. He said something about admiring my independence when I moved out of home and moved away to go and do my job etc.
So, needless to say, I woke up the happiest girl in the universe. I finally got my man.
But only in my dreams because he does make me happy every time I see him or talk to him anyway and that's all I need, I don't need to wreck my amazing whole idea of him by having him in reality.
I had more to say but I'll write it tomorrow in a seperate blog.
Varelai.
Someone said to me today that it's probably good that after all this time, it hasn't ended in a relationship. Not that it would anyway but it's good I haven't told him, incase it did because after all this time, he's much better in my mind than he ever could be in real life.
I've spent almost two years fantasising about what he would be like as a boyfriend so maybe when I finally got him, my relationship would be disappointing and nothing like I ever imagined. It would end in resentment and unfulfilled expectations.
I had a dream about him the other night, I've dreamt about him a few times, this time we were in some form of school and a teacher asked us to write a letter to someone in our class. I wrote to him and said something I don't remember but then his reply was that he didn't necessarily want a relationship but he was willing to go out with me that night to talk. He said something about admiring my independence when I moved out of home and moved away to go and do my job etc.
So, needless to say, I woke up the happiest girl in the universe. I finally got my man.
But only in my dreams because he does make me happy every time I see him or talk to him anyway and that's all I need, I don't need to wreck my amazing whole idea of him by having him in reality.
I had more to say but I'll write it tomorrow in a seperate blog.
Varelai.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Hindsight really sucks
I just watched Pink Floyd’s The Wall for the first time in a long time, it’s a movie that’s always represented the part of me that is completely insane, the part of me that would like to trash a hotel room and smash a TV with a guitar.
Today I had a bad day, I’m not sure why but I was just angry and impatient. I hated everyone’s driving but my own and wanted to be alone a lot. Maybe I’m tired, maybe part of it is also homesickness.
As some of you will know, I’m currently back up in the Wairarapa where I lived and worked for three months. Sure I’m doing something different but being up here has made me think long and hard about the decisions I’ve made in the past four or five months.
Luckily, tomorrow is my last day up here after two weeks of work so very soon I can go home to my mum and my cats and relax.
I went to see my old colleagues while I was up here. Maybe that’s why I’m so moody today. I miss my old job so much. I hold a lot of regret for leaving after only three months.
I recall I was so happy to be home at the time but whether or not it was the right decision, is still beyond me.
I miss my colleagues, I miss writing (something I don’t do enough of now days), I miss making money and I miss being appreciated and hated, both aspects that come with the job.
I also miss my independence, I miss cooking every second night with my flatmate, I miss doing the dishes every second night too. Fuck, I actually really miss my flatmate. Those of you who know me well, know that my flatmate and I didn’t always get on as we were two VERY different people but I really miss having her around. Life with her was kind of like living in reality TV, it was the TV show where an odd couple live together, the hunter and the vegetarian. That was us but we handled it well… Mostly.
The biggest regret I have is that when I finally resigned, I had an exit interview with the manager of the place and afterwards he talked to the guy who was in charge of our department. At my last drinks, the guy in charge of our department then said to me “why didn’t you tell me you were so stressed and finding it so hard? We could have worked around it.” I look back now and I think FUCK, I never really thought that the stress I was feeling could have been all wiped up had I just TALKED to the guy and said “the demands of my job are too hard”.
Had I done that, I would still have had a job 4 months later and I wouldn’t be sitting here regretting every little fucking thing I’ve ever done or failed to do.
I don’t think I understand now, the pain I was feeling back then, I no longer understand how much past me was missing her family and friends. Present me just says “wtf, why?” Friends I felt were so important back then, I’ve recently realised are completely useless to me now. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown a lot of my friends, where we used to like similar things, we don’t anymore, where we used to talk every day, we talk once or twice a month or not at all. I quit my job and moved home just to find out the “friends” I moved home for, were not worth it in the first place.
I have to say, that was a total kick in the teeth. Of course, there are some friends who are worth it but they are friends who I would have kept no matter how far away I lived. I could have been living in Japan and they’d still talk to me once a week or more and would still care for me like we lived next door to each other.
Another worry right now is money. I don’t know if I’m going to last till March when university starts to start getting paid again.
I’m scared. I’ll admit that to you blog, I am fucking terrified about the future, I don’t know how I’m going to cope for the next few months or if I’ll even be able to find more work.
Hindsight aeh, she is a fucking bitch. Had I known four months ago what I know now, that work is SOOOOOOOOOO hard to find and that coming home was bad, not good, maybe I would have stayed in that job.
I just needed more feedback from the guy in charge of our department, had he told me once in a while that my work was good and that I was doing all the right things, maybe I would have felt more secure in my job, maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell him I was having trouble.
You really fucked up this time, kid.
Varelai.
Today I had a bad day, I’m not sure why but I was just angry and impatient. I hated everyone’s driving but my own and wanted to be alone a lot. Maybe I’m tired, maybe part of it is also homesickness.
As some of you will know, I’m currently back up in the Wairarapa where I lived and worked for three months. Sure I’m doing something different but being up here has made me think long and hard about the decisions I’ve made in the past four or five months.
Luckily, tomorrow is my last day up here after two weeks of work so very soon I can go home to my mum and my cats and relax.
I went to see my old colleagues while I was up here. Maybe that’s why I’m so moody today. I miss my old job so much. I hold a lot of regret for leaving after only three months.
I recall I was so happy to be home at the time but whether or not it was the right decision, is still beyond me.
I miss my colleagues, I miss writing (something I don’t do enough of now days), I miss making money and I miss being appreciated and hated, both aspects that come with the job.
I also miss my independence, I miss cooking every second night with my flatmate, I miss doing the dishes every second night too. Fuck, I actually really miss my flatmate. Those of you who know me well, know that my flatmate and I didn’t always get on as we were two VERY different people but I really miss having her around. Life with her was kind of like living in reality TV, it was the TV show where an odd couple live together, the hunter and the vegetarian. That was us but we handled it well… Mostly.
The biggest regret I have is that when I finally resigned, I had an exit interview with the manager of the place and afterwards he talked to the guy who was in charge of our department. At my last drinks, the guy in charge of our department then said to me “why didn’t you tell me you were so stressed and finding it so hard? We could have worked around it.” I look back now and I think FUCK, I never really thought that the stress I was feeling could have been all wiped up had I just TALKED to the guy and said “the demands of my job are too hard”.
Had I done that, I would still have had a job 4 months later and I wouldn’t be sitting here regretting every little fucking thing I’ve ever done or failed to do.
I don’t think I understand now, the pain I was feeling back then, I no longer understand how much past me was missing her family and friends. Present me just says “wtf, why?” Friends I felt were so important back then, I’ve recently realised are completely useless to me now. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown a lot of my friends, where we used to like similar things, we don’t anymore, where we used to talk every day, we talk once or twice a month or not at all. I quit my job and moved home just to find out the “friends” I moved home for, were not worth it in the first place.
I have to say, that was a total kick in the teeth. Of course, there are some friends who are worth it but they are friends who I would have kept no matter how far away I lived. I could have been living in Japan and they’d still talk to me once a week or more and would still care for me like we lived next door to each other.
Another worry right now is money. I don’t know if I’m going to last till March when university starts to start getting paid again.
I’m scared. I’ll admit that to you blog, I am fucking terrified about the future, I don’t know how I’m going to cope for the next few months or if I’ll even be able to find more work.
Hindsight aeh, she is a fucking bitch. Had I known four months ago what I know now, that work is SOOOOOOOOOO hard to find and that coming home was bad, not good, maybe I would have stayed in that job.
I just needed more feedback from the guy in charge of our department, had he told me once in a while that my work was good and that I was doing all the right things, maybe I would have felt more secure in my job, maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell him I was having trouble.
You really fucked up this time, kid.
Varelai.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Taking Back My Power
Grinding into me, grabbing my hips,
Your touch makes me shiver.
You make me sick to my stomach,
Did I ask you to do this to me?
“NO! STOP!” I scream,
A look of realisation dawns on your face.
People start to stare,
Guilt creeps into your eyes.
You walk away.
But then you’re back,
Was I not clear enough?
You’re close enough now that I can smell your breath: stale beer and cigarettes,
Is that why you don’t understand the meaning of no?
I punch you in the nose and shove you away,
“GO AWAY!” I scream
Even over the live band, people hear my cries for help,
A look of horror appears on your face, now you understand.
Three men approach you but you’ve already started to stalk away,
They grab you and drag you out into the night.
I’ve taken my power back,
You didn’t win; I will never let you win.
Creeps like you don’t scare me,
I did nothing wrong.
My world changes and my trust for men returns,
Caution remains but now I know how to fight back.
Authors note: Back in September I had a bad experience at a bar and a few nights ago I was talking to someone about it and they said when they had a bad experience similar to this, they did a painting but then in order to take their power back, that was taken away from them at this experience, they did another painting that was the opposite to the first.
It's a way to make yourself feel better because although I can't change what happened that night in reality, in fiction I can so this is the poem that changes what happened. This is what should have happened that night and what will happen if anything like this ever happens again.
He scared me, he changed the way I act, for the last three months instead of dancing, I've just stood against the wall but now I realise, fuck it, why let that creep win? He probably doesn't even remember what happened anymore so why should I still let that experience affect me?
Well no more, this, in my mind is what happened that night, I'm taking back my power.
Varelai.
Your touch makes me shiver.
You make me sick to my stomach,
Did I ask you to do this to me?
“NO! STOP!” I scream,
A look of realisation dawns on your face.
People start to stare,
Guilt creeps into your eyes.
You walk away.
But then you’re back,
Was I not clear enough?
You’re close enough now that I can smell your breath: stale beer and cigarettes,
Is that why you don’t understand the meaning of no?
I punch you in the nose and shove you away,
“GO AWAY!” I scream
Even over the live band, people hear my cries for help,
A look of horror appears on your face, now you understand.
Three men approach you but you’ve already started to stalk away,
They grab you and drag you out into the night.
I’ve taken my power back,
You didn’t win; I will never let you win.
Creeps like you don’t scare me,
I did nothing wrong.
My world changes and my trust for men returns,
Caution remains but now I know how to fight back.
Authors note: Back in September I had a bad experience at a bar and a few nights ago I was talking to someone about it and they said when they had a bad experience similar to this, they did a painting but then in order to take their power back, that was taken away from them at this experience, they did another painting that was the opposite to the first.
It's a way to make yourself feel better because although I can't change what happened that night in reality, in fiction I can so this is the poem that changes what happened. This is what should have happened that night and what will happen if anything like this ever happens again.
He scared me, he changed the way I act, for the last three months instead of dancing, I've just stood against the wall but now I realise, fuck it, why let that creep win? He probably doesn't even remember what happened anymore so why should I still let that experience affect me?
Well no more, this, in my mind is what happened that night, I'm taking back my power.
Varelai.
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