Hey,
For the last four years or more, I've written a summary of my year in the form of a list of things I've learnt that year.
This year is no different.
It's weird because as I look back on other years where I've summed up the things I've learnt, I'm realising that some years I learn the same things over and over again. Sometimes you think you've learnt a lesson in a year but haven't at all, if you keep making the same mistake, you have NOT learnt your lesson.
So, I'll begin by acknowledging a lesson I learnt this year that I thought I'd learnt way back in 2008.
>>> Try everything, you'll regret the things you DON'T do more than the things you WILL do. If I had REALLY learnt this lesson back in 2008, believe it or not, I would have a lot less regrets than I currently do, so here's hoping in 2011, I do EVERYTHING and regret NOTHING.
>>> I do not need to put up with people who use me, they can be easily cut away from my life like fat off a piece of steak.
>>> Flatmates can teach you a lot about life, sometimes living with a complete stranger can be the best thing you've ever done.
>>> Two people who are complete opposites can still be friends, they can even live together if they are tollerant of each other.
>>> Leaving home for the first time is scary, especially if you're moving a long distance away.
>>> Sometimes keeping in contact with your family just makes you miss them more.
>>> Working in the real world is stressful and tiring and unless you love your job, some days will not feel like it's worth waking up.
>>> As a Journalist I've learnt one man's tragedy is another man's excitement.
>>> As a Journalist I've also learnt dealing with grieving people and intruding on their privacy is hard and some decisions a Journalist will make will haunt them.
>>> Gaining a diploma is more difficult than anyone could possibly imagine but it CAN be done and finishing such a long process IS the greatest accomplishment I've ever made.
>>> When something is hard, giving up should never be an option, no matter how hard that thing is. Things must be seen through to their completion.
>>> Death is never easy. Whether someone's been fighting an illness for a long time or a kitten suddenly gets hit by a car one night, death can leave a person shaken.
>>> You never know how you'll react to someone/something's death until it happens, sometimes, even if you didn't actually know someone, their death can hit you like a freight train.
>>> Change can happen. Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed in America this month (see previous blog for more), this is a sign the world is changing and gay people in this world are finally gaining acceptance or at least a little more tollerance.
>>> Try not to judge a person by their family, just because you dislike my dad or my cousin's a slut or my aunty's a drunk doesn't mean I have ever done anything wrong or am anything like them.
>>> Just because someone wants to sleep with you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with them. It doesn't matter how desperate you are or how flattering their attempts are, if it's not right, it's not right.
>>> Just because someone you used to know adds you as a friend on Facebook, doesn't mean you have to accept them, even if they add you 10 times. If you no longer want them in your life, they don't have to be in your life.
>>> Solving your problems at work and making your job less stressful is as EASY as talking to your boss. You don't have to leave when the going gets tough, your boss will be able to sort something out so there's a way around the problem.
>>> Finding work is hard, sometimes, even after 5 months, you can't find a job. Don't give up your job if you already have one.
>>> Some events in your life will be utterly disasterous, every single part of the event will go wrong and it will leave you feeling like crying in a dark corner but don't let that stop you from trying again and continuing to take risks.
That's it, happy new year.
V.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Making history
Yesterday, history was made.
On the 19th of December, 2010 the American government repealed Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which allowed gay people to join the military and fight for their country but ONLY if they did not tell anyone that they were gay.
So, from this day forward, gay men and women will be able to serve in the military openly, telling whoever they want and hopefully, not being judged for that.
As you know by now, I am an advocate for gay rights and human rights so this is a very important day for me.
Harvey Milk died defending the rights of gays, standing up for them, fighting for them and today, he is looking down on this earth, fucking proud of what is happening. CHANGE is coming, like it or not.
This is the start of a huge change in the world, because America has repealed this horrible law, we are one step closer to being able to marry who we want to marry and live our lives like any other person. I dream of a world where if you're anti gay rights you will be judged as scornfully as those who supported segregation are now judged.
America elected a black president in 2008 and former American president Jimmy Carter, recently said he believes America is ready for a a gay president at some time in the near future.
Someone tweeted this today: "John McCain: "Today is a very sad day." Dude, we didn't ask you, so don't fucking tell us. #DADT".
This is the day where the ridiculous policy of don't ask, don't tell, can be used against people like John McCain, who still believes gay's openly serving in the military will "cause more harm than good". But we don't care because we didn't ask for his opinion so we would appreciate it, if he didn't tell us about it.
We are not sick, we are not wrong. We have won the war at last. Sure, it's just the start but now, everyone can see the rain has gone and a rainbow is coming out across the world. We will continue to fight against the prejudices that hold us down until the day we are considered important members of society, as important as any straight member of society.
V.
On the 19th of December, 2010 the American government repealed Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, which allowed gay people to join the military and fight for their country but ONLY if they did not tell anyone that they were gay.
So, from this day forward, gay men and women will be able to serve in the military openly, telling whoever they want and hopefully, not being judged for that.
As you know by now, I am an advocate for gay rights and human rights so this is a very important day for me.
Harvey Milk died defending the rights of gays, standing up for them, fighting for them and today, he is looking down on this earth, fucking proud of what is happening. CHANGE is coming, like it or not.
This is the start of a huge change in the world, because America has repealed this horrible law, we are one step closer to being able to marry who we want to marry and live our lives like any other person. I dream of a world where if you're anti gay rights you will be judged as scornfully as those who supported segregation are now judged.
America elected a black president in 2008 and former American president Jimmy Carter, recently said he believes America is ready for a a gay president at some time in the near future.
Someone tweeted this today: "John McCain: "Today is a very sad day." Dude, we didn't ask you, so don't fucking tell us. #DADT".
This is the day where the ridiculous policy of don't ask, don't tell, can be used against people like John McCain, who still believes gay's openly serving in the military will "cause more harm than good". But we don't care because we didn't ask for his opinion so we would appreciate it, if he didn't tell us about it.
We are not sick, we are not wrong. We have won the war at last. Sure, it's just the start but now, everyone can see the rain has gone and a rainbow is coming out across the world. We will continue to fight against the prejudices that hold us down until the day we are considered important members of society, as important as any straight member of society.
V.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Regret and more regret
It seems that as life goes on, regret is something that constantly builds up. Every action a person takes has an equal and opposite reaction and every action has consequences, which sometimes lead to regret.
Regret is not always a bad thing.
Recently, someone I knew in school began talking to me. At first, I found it strange, because we never talked in school but sometime in the past, we became Facebook friends and a few weeks ago at around 10-11pm, she was bored out of her brains and decided to talk to me.
We've talked every day since. We've even met up once, where we chatted for all of three hours about a number of things.
It's strange coz in school I was kind of under the impression that she and her group disliked me or were just too cool for me.
It's funny how life outside of highschool is so different. She's not the person I thought she was at all. I enjoy talking to her very much.
This is where regret seeps into my life again. When she left school, she found her dream career, but not in Wellington. Unfortunately, her dream career led her to a town about 9 hours drive away on the other island and although she came back to Wellington for a while, tomorrow, she goes back there.
I guess, in short, I'm already attached to her.
Someone said recently that if you are a member of the starsign Libra, you form very deep, close attachments and bonds to the people in your life and since I am of that starsign (born in October), I definitely do this.
So, in the time this girl and I have been talking, just over a month, I already feel myself wanting to talk to her all the time and missing her when I'm not talking to her.
It's nothing more than a friendly thing, although it may seem like it is more but that's just me and the way I relate to people and those deep bonds that I need to form in my friendships.
I don't make new friends easily. I lose friends faster than I can count but making new friends is very difficult so I usually only have a few friends but those friends are the ones who make my life worth living, the ones who I love dearly and who mean everything to me. The few friends I have, I'm always very very close to and would share anything with them and do anything for them.
Maybe it's because it's late at night or maybe it's because of this attachment but the idea of this girl going back to somewhere so far away, makes me sad. I know I'll miss her a lot. It makes me wish I had the ability to stop myself making these attachments to people and remaining an arms-length away from them emotionally so that I couldn't like anyone enough to miss them.
It reminds me of Journalism school where we had a German student come and do our certificate and then eventually, diploma with us.
We talked a lot over that time and then when she eventually had to leave the country, I was devastated. She's now in London, as I have mentioned in a previous blog but it's still so far away from the place we both call home (little ol' New Zealand) that I still miss her a hell of a lot and her leaving was really hard for me, anyone we did the course with could see how much we bonded and how much I was going to miss her.
Maybe if I had the ability to not put my whole heart and soul into everything I do, I wouldn't find it so hard to let go of people.
It's so interesting to me that in only a month, this girl has gone from just being some girl I kind of knew at school to someone I really trust and who, as far as I can gather, trusts me back.
The other interesting thing is how different we are as people, she's a wild one, keen for a drink, a party, a smoke and maybe some form of C class drug and someone who drives a boyracer car with tinted windows and music that would send any normal person deaf in 5 minutes and I'm, well, I'm just not like that at all, as you probably know by now if I've given you the link to read this blog.
It's proof that opposites attract, even in friendships.
I know she'll be happier down south living her dream but it's hard for me because I've only just begun getting to know her and it's been comforting that some days she can just txt me and say "come round to my house" but she won't be able to do that anymore.
I guess my regret in this case just comes from what I feel was my stupidity in not getting to know her sooner. If I had just got to know her sooner, maybe even in school, I would have had more time to spend with her to know her better and to be a better friend to her but right now it feels like I was given this great thing, this great friendship and now I'm having it ripped away.
I know we'll still txt each other and talk on the internet but sometimes that human to human contact is still the best times a person can have and we didn't even have to be doing anything, just sitting, chatting in her car in the sun on the beach. It was just awesome.
I've begun believing lately that the universe will always provide a person with everything they need and in this time where I'm trying to get rid of the people in my life who make me feel bad (including some people I thought were my friends) or the people who use me, it's nice to know the universe said to this girl "hey, talk to her" and gave us both a new friend at a time where she is also looking for new friends and replacing old ones.
I guess the saying is right: If you love something, you must let it go. And for me, this is the second time this year I've had to just man up and let a friend go and do something that'll make them happy but it's kind of like a bird in a cage, they're gonna be unhappy if you keep them there because they need to be free. Even if it makes you sad to let them go, sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your own happiness for someone else. That is true friendship and true love.
Varelai.
Regret is not always a bad thing.
Recently, someone I knew in school began talking to me. At first, I found it strange, because we never talked in school but sometime in the past, we became Facebook friends and a few weeks ago at around 10-11pm, she was bored out of her brains and decided to talk to me.
We've talked every day since. We've even met up once, where we chatted for all of three hours about a number of things.
It's strange coz in school I was kind of under the impression that she and her group disliked me or were just too cool for me.
It's funny how life outside of highschool is so different. She's not the person I thought she was at all. I enjoy talking to her very much.
This is where regret seeps into my life again. When she left school, she found her dream career, but not in Wellington. Unfortunately, her dream career led her to a town about 9 hours drive away on the other island and although she came back to Wellington for a while, tomorrow, she goes back there.
I guess, in short, I'm already attached to her.
Someone said recently that if you are a member of the starsign Libra, you form very deep, close attachments and bonds to the people in your life and since I am of that starsign (born in October), I definitely do this.
So, in the time this girl and I have been talking, just over a month, I already feel myself wanting to talk to her all the time and missing her when I'm not talking to her.
It's nothing more than a friendly thing, although it may seem like it is more but that's just me and the way I relate to people and those deep bonds that I need to form in my friendships.
I don't make new friends easily. I lose friends faster than I can count but making new friends is very difficult so I usually only have a few friends but those friends are the ones who make my life worth living, the ones who I love dearly and who mean everything to me. The few friends I have, I'm always very very close to and would share anything with them and do anything for them.
Maybe it's because it's late at night or maybe it's because of this attachment but the idea of this girl going back to somewhere so far away, makes me sad. I know I'll miss her a lot. It makes me wish I had the ability to stop myself making these attachments to people and remaining an arms-length away from them emotionally so that I couldn't like anyone enough to miss them.
It reminds me of Journalism school where we had a German student come and do our certificate and then eventually, diploma with us.
We talked a lot over that time and then when she eventually had to leave the country, I was devastated. She's now in London, as I have mentioned in a previous blog but it's still so far away from the place we both call home (little ol' New Zealand) that I still miss her a hell of a lot and her leaving was really hard for me, anyone we did the course with could see how much we bonded and how much I was going to miss her.
Maybe if I had the ability to not put my whole heart and soul into everything I do, I wouldn't find it so hard to let go of people.
It's so interesting to me that in only a month, this girl has gone from just being some girl I kind of knew at school to someone I really trust and who, as far as I can gather, trusts me back.
The other interesting thing is how different we are as people, she's a wild one, keen for a drink, a party, a smoke and maybe some form of C class drug and someone who drives a boyracer car with tinted windows and music that would send any normal person deaf in 5 minutes and I'm, well, I'm just not like that at all, as you probably know by now if I've given you the link to read this blog.
It's proof that opposites attract, even in friendships.
I know she'll be happier down south living her dream but it's hard for me because I've only just begun getting to know her and it's been comforting that some days she can just txt me and say "come round to my house" but she won't be able to do that anymore.
I guess my regret in this case just comes from what I feel was my stupidity in not getting to know her sooner. If I had just got to know her sooner, maybe even in school, I would have had more time to spend with her to know her better and to be a better friend to her but right now it feels like I was given this great thing, this great friendship and now I'm having it ripped away.
I know we'll still txt each other and talk on the internet but sometimes that human to human contact is still the best times a person can have and we didn't even have to be doing anything, just sitting, chatting in her car in the sun on the beach. It was just awesome.
I've begun believing lately that the universe will always provide a person with everything they need and in this time where I'm trying to get rid of the people in my life who make me feel bad (including some people I thought were my friends) or the people who use me, it's nice to know the universe said to this girl "hey, talk to her" and gave us both a new friend at a time where she is also looking for new friends and replacing old ones.
I guess the saying is right: If you love something, you must let it go. And for me, this is the second time this year I've had to just man up and let a friend go and do something that'll make them happy but it's kind of like a bird in a cage, they're gonna be unhappy if you keep them there because they need to be free. Even if it makes you sad to let them go, sometimes you have to sacrifice some of your own happiness for someone else. That is true friendship and true love.
Varelai.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Music snobs
My Chemical Romance's new album came out a few weeks ago and I have to admit it is an unusual piece of work.
Fans seem to love or hate it. I happen to love it. Even the two songs I disliked at first are growing on me. I've listened to it many times now, more than I can count.
Some of my friends and MCR "fans", are really disappointed by the album, so much so, they wish they could get their money back.
I have to say that, for me their disappointment really hurt. I love the band and I really like the album and I've always defended the band and its actions so when they didn't like the album and said bad things about the band, I felt very defensive and angry at those friends.
I understood the friends who didn't like the album though, it's a different album, it's not like anything they've ever produced before. That, for some people is hard to comprehend.
The thing that gets to me is pretentious assholes. People who say the music is crap or parts of the music are crap.
What gives ANYONE the right to question a band who can sell millions of records or the producers of the albums that band brings out?
I don't care if you know a lot about music through education or through years of listening or even through playing music, if you're not a famous musician, who are you to question the decisions of a band musically?
You are no one. They are an internationally renouned band with albums and fans so clearly they know what they're doing.
Even if their direction seems strange or different, it is intentional and we have no right to judge that.
I hate music snobs who think their music taste is better than everyone elses. Sure, everyone in the universe thinks their music taste is better than everyone elses. Even I do but I'm open minded, willing to listen to anything to expand my musical knowledge because by being closed minded and saying "I will only listen to one genre", you often miss some of the most AMAZING music you will ever hear.
So when someone is pretentious and hates popular music or hates any music that's not classical music, that really fucks me off.
When someone criticises a band like MCR for a musical decision they've made but is too pretentious to properly listen to it because they have the attitude that"only classical artists make proper music" then they can fuck off. Perhaps they don't deserve the depth this new album brings. This album could save as many lives as any MCR album.
V.
Fans seem to love or hate it. I happen to love it. Even the two songs I disliked at first are growing on me. I've listened to it many times now, more than I can count.
Some of my friends and MCR "fans", are really disappointed by the album, so much so, they wish they could get their money back.
I have to say that, for me their disappointment really hurt. I love the band and I really like the album and I've always defended the band and its actions so when they didn't like the album and said bad things about the band, I felt very defensive and angry at those friends.
I understood the friends who didn't like the album though, it's a different album, it's not like anything they've ever produced before. That, for some people is hard to comprehend.
The thing that gets to me is pretentious assholes. People who say the music is crap or parts of the music are crap.
What gives ANYONE the right to question a band who can sell millions of records or the producers of the albums that band brings out?
I don't care if you know a lot about music through education or through years of listening or even through playing music, if you're not a famous musician, who are you to question the decisions of a band musically?
You are no one. They are an internationally renouned band with albums and fans so clearly they know what they're doing.
Even if their direction seems strange or different, it is intentional and we have no right to judge that.
I hate music snobs who think their music taste is better than everyone elses. Sure, everyone in the universe thinks their music taste is better than everyone elses. Even I do but I'm open minded, willing to listen to anything to expand my musical knowledge because by being closed minded and saying "I will only listen to one genre", you often miss some of the most AMAZING music you will ever hear.
So when someone is pretentious and hates popular music or hates any music that's not classical music, that really fucks me off.
When someone criticises a band like MCR for a musical decision they've made but is too pretentious to properly listen to it because they have the attitude that"only classical artists make proper music" then they can fuck off. Perhaps they don't deserve the depth this new album brings. This album could save as many lives as any MCR album.
V.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
The imagination
I've had feelings for a guy for a long time now, about two years and today. I've never told him how I feel so I'm not sure if he knows or not.
Someone said to me today that it's probably good that after all this time, it hasn't ended in a relationship. Not that it would anyway but it's good I haven't told him, incase it did because after all this time, he's much better in my mind than he ever could be in real life.
I've spent almost two years fantasising about what he would be like as a boyfriend so maybe when I finally got him, my relationship would be disappointing and nothing like I ever imagined. It would end in resentment and unfulfilled expectations.
I had a dream about him the other night, I've dreamt about him a few times, this time we were in some form of school and a teacher asked us to write a letter to someone in our class. I wrote to him and said something I don't remember but then his reply was that he didn't necessarily want a relationship but he was willing to go out with me that night to talk. He said something about admiring my independence when I moved out of home and moved away to go and do my job etc.
So, needless to say, I woke up the happiest girl in the universe. I finally got my man.
But only in my dreams because he does make me happy every time I see him or talk to him anyway and that's all I need, I don't need to wreck my amazing whole idea of him by having him in reality.
I had more to say but I'll write it tomorrow in a seperate blog.
Varelai.
Someone said to me today that it's probably good that after all this time, it hasn't ended in a relationship. Not that it would anyway but it's good I haven't told him, incase it did because after all this time, he's much better in my mind than he ever could be in real life.
I've spent almost two years fantasising about what he would be like as a boyfriend so maybe when I finally got him, my relationship would be disappointing and nothing like I ever imagined. It would end in resentment and unfulfilled expectations.
I had a dream about him the other night, I've dreamt about him a few times, this time we were in some form of school and a teacher asked us to write a letter to someone in our class. I wrote to him and said something I don't remember but then his reply was that he didn't necessarily want a relationship but he was willing to go out with me that night to talk. He said something about admiring my independence when I moved out of home and moved away to go and do my job etc.
So, needless to say, I woke up the happiest girl in the universe. I finally got my man.
But only in my dreams because he does make me happy every time I see him or talk to him anyway and that's all I need, I don't need to wreck my amazing whole idea of him by having him in reality.
I had more to say but I'll write it tomorrow in a seperate blog.
Varelai.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Hindsight really sucks
I just watched Pink Floyd’s The Wall for the first time in a long time, it’s a movie that’s always represented the part of me that is completely insane, the part of me that would like to trash a hotel room and smash a TV with a guitar.
Today I had a bad day, I’m not sure why but I was just angry and impatient. I hated everyone’s driving but my own and wanted to be alone a lot. Maybe I’m tired, maybe part of it is also homesickness.
As some of you will know, I’m currently back up in the Wairarapa where I lived and worked for three months. Sure I’m doing something different but being up here has made me think long and hard about the decisions I’ve made in the past four or five months.
Luckily, tomorrow is my last day up here after two weeks of work so very soon I can go home to my mum and my cats and relax.
I went to see my old colleagues while I was up here. Maybe that’s why I’m so moody today. I miss my old job so much. I hold a lot of regret for leaving after only three months.
I recall I was so happy to be home at the time but whether or not it was the right decision, is still beyond me.
I miss my colleagues, I miss writing (something I don’t do enough of now days), I miss making money and I miss being appreciated and hated, both aspects that come with the job.
I also miss my independence, I miss cooking every second night with my flatmate, I miss doing the dishes every second night too. Fuck, I actually really miss my flatmate. Those of you who know me well, know that my flatmate and I didn’t always get on as we were two VERY different people but I really miss having her around. Life with her was kind of like living in reality TV, it was the TV show where an odd couple live together, the hunter and the vegetarian. That was us but we handled it well… Mostly.
The biggest regret I have is that when I finally resigned, I had an exit interview with the manager of the place and afterwards he talked to the guy who was in charge of our department. At my last drinks, the guy in charge of our department then said to me “why didn’t you tell me you were so stressed and finding it so hard? We could have worked around it.” I look back now and I think FUCK, I never really thought that the stress I was feeling could have been all wiped up had I just TALKED to the guy and said “the demands of my job are too hard”.
Had I done that, I would still have had a job 4 months later and I wouldn’t be sitting here regretting every little fucking thing I’ve ever done or failed to do.
I don’t think I understand now, the pain I was feeling back then, I no longer understand how much past me was missing her family and friends. Present me just says “wtf, why?” Friends I felt were so important back then, I’ve recently realised are completely useless to me now. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown a lot of my friends, where we used to like similar things, we don’t anymore, where we used to talk every day, we talk once or twice a month or not at all. I quit my job and moved home just to find out the “friends” I moved home for, were not worth it in the first place.
I have to say, that was a total kick in the teeth. Of course, there are some friends who are worth it but they are friends who I would have kept no matter how far away I lived. I could have been living in Japan and they’d still talk to me once a week or more and would still care for me like we lived next door to each other.
Another worry right now is money. I don’t know if I’m going to last till March when university starts to start getting paid again.
I’m scared. I’ll admit that to you blog, I am fucking terrified about the future, I don’t know how I’m going to cope for the next few months or if I’ll even be able to find more work.
Hindsight aeh, she is a fucking bitch. Had I known four months ago what I know now, that work is SOOOOOOOOOO hard to find and that coming home was bad, not good, maybe I would have stayed in that job.
I just needed more feedback from the guy in charge of our department, had he told me once in a while that my work was good and that I was doing all the right things, maybe I would have felt more secure in my job, maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell him I was having trouble.
You really fucked up this time, kid.
Varelai.
Today I had a bad day, I’m not sure why but I was just angry and impatient. I hated everyone’s driving but my own and wanted to be alone a lot. Maybe I’m tired, maybe part of it is also homesickness.
As some of you will know, I’m currently back up in the Wairarapa where I lived and worked for three months. Sure I’m doing something different but being up here has made me think long and hard about the decisions I’ve made in the past four or five months.
Luckily, tomorrow is my last day up here after two weeks of work so very soon I can go home to my mum and my cats and relax.
I went to see my old colleagues while I was up here. Maybe that’s why I’m so moody today. I miss my old job so much. I hold a lot of regret for leaving after only three months.
I recall I was so happy to be home at the time but whether or not it was the right decision, is still beyond me.
I miss my colleagues, I miss writing (something I don’t do enough of now days), I miss making money and I miss being appreciated and hated, both aspects that come with the job.
I also miss my independence, I miss cooking every second night with my flatmate, I miss doing the dishes every second night too. Fuck, I actually really miss my flatmate. Those of you who know me well, know that my flatmate and I didn’t always get on as we were two VERY different people but I really miss having her around. Life with her was kind of like living in reality TV, it was the TV show where an odd couple live together, the hunter and the vegetarian. That was us but we handled it well… Mostly.
The biggest regret I have is that when I finally resigned, I had an exit interview with the manager of the place and afterwards he talked to the guy who was in charge of our department. At my last drinks, the guy in charge of our department then said to me “why didn’t you tell me you were so stressed and finding it so hard? We could have worked around it.” I look back now and I think FUCK, I never really thought that the stress I was feeling could have been all wiped up had I just TALKED to the guy and said “the demands of my job are too hard”.
Had I done that, I would still have had a job 4 months later and I wouldn’t be sitting here regretting every little fucking thing I’ve ever done or failed to do.
I don’t think I understand now, the pain I was feeling back then, I no longer understand how much past me was missing her family and friends. Present me just says “wtf, why?” Friends I felt were so important back then, I’ve recently realised are completely useless to me now. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown a lot of my friends, where we used to like similar things, we don’t anymore, where we used to talk every day, we talk once or twice a month or not at all. I quit my job and moved home just to find out the “friends” I moved home for, were not worth it in the first place.
I have to say, that was a total kick in the teeth. Of course, there are some friends who are worth it but they are friends who I would have kept no matter how far away I lived. I could have been living in Japan and they’d still talk to me once a week or more and would still care for me like we lived next door to each other.
Another worry right now is money. I don’t know if I’m going to last till March when university starts to start getting paid again.
I’m scared. I’ll admit that to you blog, I am fucking terrified about the future, I don’t know how I’m going to cope for the next few months or if I’ll even be able to find more work.
Hindsight aeh, she is a fucking bitch. Had I known four months ago what I know now, that work is SOOOOOOOOOO hard to find and that coming home was bad, not good, maybe I would have stayed in that job.
I just needed more feedback from the guy in charge of our department, had he told me once in a while that my work was good and that I was doing all the right things, maybe I would have felt more secure in my job, maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell him I was having trouble.
You really fucked up this time, kid.
Varelai.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Taking Back My Power
Grinding into me, grabbing my hips,
Your touch makes me shiver.
You make me sick to my stomach,
Did I ask you to do this to me?
“NO! STOP!” I scream,
A look of realisation dawns on your face.
People start to stare,
Guilt creeps into your eyes.
You walk away.
But then you’re back,
Was I not clear enough?
You’re close enough now that I can smell your breath: stale beer and cigarettes,
Is that why you don’t understand the meaning of no?
I punch you in the nose and shove you away,
“GO AWAY!” I scream
Even over the live band, people hear my cries for help,
A look of horror appears on your face, now you understand.
Three men approach you but you’ve already started to stalk away,
They grab you and drag you out into the night.
I’ve taken my power back,
You didn’t win; I will never let you win.
Creeps like you don’t scare me,
I did nothing wrong.
My world changes and my trust for men returns,
Caution remains but now I know how to fight back.
Authors note: Back in September I had a bad experience at a bar and a few nights ago I was talking to someone about it and they said when they had a bad experience similar to this, they did a painting but then in order to take their power back, that was taken away from them at this experience, they did another painting that was the opposite to the first.
It's a way to make yourself feel better because although I can't change what happened that night in reality, in fiction I can so this is the poem that changes what happened. This is what should have happened that night and what will happen if anything like this ever happens again.
He scared me, he changed the way I act, for the last three months instead of dancing, I've just stood against the wall but now I realise, fuck it, why let that creep win? He probably doesn't even remember what happened anymore so why should I still let that experience affect me?
Well no more, this, in my mind is what happened that night, I'm taking back my power.
Varelai.
Your touch makes me shiver.
You make me sick to my stomach,
Did I ask you to do this to me?
“NO! STOP!” I scream,
A look of realisation dawns on your face.
People start to stare,
Guilt creeps into your eyes.
You walk away.
But then you’re back,
Was I not clear enough?
You’re close enough now that I can smell your breath: stale beer and cigarettes,
Is that why you don’t understand the meaning of no?
I punch you in the nose and shove you away,
“GO AWAY!” I scream
Even over the live band, people hear my cries for help,
A look of horror appears on your face, now you understand.
Three men approach you but you’ve already started to stalk away,
They grab you and drag you out into the night.
I’ve taken my power back,
You didn’t win; I will never let you win.
Creeps like you don’t scare me,
I did nothing wrong.
My world changes and my trust for men returns,
Caution remains but now I know how to fight back.
Authors note: Back in September I had a bad experience at a bar and a few nights ago I was talking to someone about it and they said when they had a bad experience similar to this, they did a painting but then in order to take their power back, that was taken away from them at this experience, they did another painting that was the opposite to the first.
It's a way to make yourself feel better because although I can't change what happened that night in reality, in fiction I can so this is the poem that changes what happened. This is what should have happened that night and what will happen if anything like this ever happens again.
He scared me, he changed the way I act, for the last three months instead of dancing, I've just stood against the wall but now I realise, fuck it, why let that creep win? He probably doesn't even remember what happened anymore so why should I still let that experience affect me?
Well no more, this, in my mind is what happened that night, I'm taking back my power.
Varelai.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Regret
So many regrets,
Never knowing if the right choice was made.
Should I have kissed him? Should I have kissed her?
Was walking away the best decision I've ever made?
Or the worst?
If I'd turned around, would things be different?
Would you be nicer? Would you still want to die?
Where would we be now if we'd let our animal instincts take control?
Hindsight's a bitch.
Looking back, we have all the answers,
Would things be different had we known it all earlier?
Just a short poem today to let you all know I'm still alive, sorry I've been a bit absent, there's been a lot happening in my life, mostly to do with the actions of others that have greatly affected my wellbeing.
But things are looking up, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can gladly say, it's not just the train coming.
I guess in the last few weeks I've learnt a lot, one of those things is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, it just stresses you out and frustrates them.
Some of the stuff that's gone on, I've wanted to blog about but I guess it would be one of those situations where anger would get in the way of my writing and it would get a bit too personal for use on the internet.
I've started a new project where I take one photo a day for 365 days, just as a way to build my creativity back up I guess but also to give me something to do and focus on while I'm looking for another job. All the photos go up on Flickr and Facebook currently so they're quite accessable publically if you ask.
I've started playing World of Warcraft again, started on the 21st of last month so have been back at that for a while now and am getting quite far in the game because of all the spare time I have but that's another reason I haven't been blogging quite as frequently.
Another new change I've made is the decision to let go of anyone in my life who was using me for their own purposes.
These people have made me angry and frustrated for years and because I generally am quite nice natured, I often get used and abused when someone wants something and then dumped unceremoniously when they have gotten all they can out of me.
Well no more mrs nice girl, I no longer have time in my life to put up with anyone who doesn't give me back what I put into a friendship.
I'm not just talking physical stuff like money or petrol, I'm talking time as well. I don't have time for someone who will sit there and talk about themselves for hours without letting me get a word in edgewise. That's not a conversation, that's you talking.
But physical stuff does come into it. I don't actually mind driving people around if they pay me for the petrol but constantly using me to drive you around without any petrol money just gets me pissed off. Learn to drive, don't fucking use me for your transport, I'm not a fucking bus. I don't mind being a taxi though, but those fares are very important if you just want a ride and it won't benefit me in some way. Give and take guys, give and take.
So that's a basic overview of my life right now,
I hope you're all okay, I believe the ones who were using me don't have access to this blog anyway so if you're reading this, you're probably a friend, not an enemy.
Varelai.
Never knowing if the right choice was made.
Should I have kissed him? Should I have kissed her?
Was walking away the best decision I've ever made?
Or the worst?
If I'd turned around, would things be different?
Would you be nicer? Would you still want to die?
Where would we be now if we'd let our animal instincts take control?
Hindsight's a bitch.
Looking back, we have all the answers,
Would things be different had we known it all earlier?
Just a short poem today to let you all know I'm still alive, sorry I've been a bit absent, there's been a lot happening in my life, mostly to do with the actions of others that have greatly affected my wellbeing.
But things are looking up, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can gladly say, it's not just the train coming.
I guess in the last few weeks I've learnt a lot, one of those things is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, it just stresses you out and frustrates them.
Some of the stuff that's gone on, I've wanted to blog about but I guess it would be one of those situations where anger would get in the way of my writing and it would get a bit too personal for use on the internet.
I've started a new project where I take one photo a day for 365 days, just as a way to build my creativity back up I guess but also to give me something to do and focus on while I'm looking for another job. All the photos go up on Flickr and Facebook currently so they're quite accessable publically if you ask.
I've started playing World of Warcraft again, started on the 21st of last month so have been back at that for a while now and am getting quite far in the game because of all the spare time I have but that's another reason I haven't been blogging quite as frequently.
Another new change I've made is the decision to let go of anyone in my life who was using me for their own purposes.
These people have made me angry and frustrated for years and because I generally am quite nice natured, I often get used and abused when someone wants something and then dumped unceremoniously when they have gotten all they can out of me.
Well no more mrs nice girl, I no longer have time in my life to put up with anyone who doesn't give me back what I put into a friendship.
I'm not just talking physical stuff like money or petrol, I'm talking time as well. I don't have time for someone who will sit there and talk about themselves for hours without letting me get a word in edgewise. That's not a conversation, that's you talking.
But physical stuff does come into it. I don't actually mind driving people around if they pay me for the petrol but constantly using me to drive you around without any petrol money just gets me pissed off. Learn to drive, don't fucking use me for your transport, I'm not a fucking bus. I don't mind being a taxi though, but those fares are very important if you just want a ride and it won't benefit me in some way. Give and take guys, give and take.
So that's a basic overview of my life right now,
I hope you're all okay, I believe the ones who were using me don't have access to this blog anyway so if you're reading this, you're probably a friend, not an enemy.
Varelai.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Man On The Train Opposite To Mine
“You and I locked eyes between nightly trains.
You were on the 5:30 going east,
While I was on the 5:12 going south.
We were both tired after a long day.
The ring on your finger tells a story,
But I did not want to read such a thing.
I imagine your smell: cologne and soap.
When I look into your eyes my heart melts,
Like a drop of chocolate on the tongue.
While in my eyes you soared without a care,
Like an endless sky on a sunny day.
As my train pulls away from the station,
You watch me go and as fast as it began,
Our love fades away into memory.”
Authors note: This is a poem I wrote the other day while I was on the train waiting for it to leave from the station to take me home from work and noticed an attractive stranger across from me on a separate train going elsewhere.
I wrote the poem originally on the train but later changed it into the format of a Shakespearian sonnet. This format means each line has 10 syllables and there are 14 lines in all. Unfortunately I was unable to follow the rhyming part of the sonnet which goes AB-AB-CD-CD-EF-EF-GG, meaning the last word in line A rhymes with the last word in A and so on. It would have complicated the poem too much at this point but the challenge of getting the poem to 10 syllables in each line was challenge enough.
And I may have used a little poetic license as we didn’t ACTUALLY lock eyes, I stared at him but he never turned towards me, he continued to stare straight ahead so I only saw his face from the side. And I don’t actually know where he was going and at what time. But as a poet, you are allowed to make things up when you find your muse, who is otherwise a perfect target for a poem.
And now, here is my favourite Shakespeare sonnet, it’s formally known as Sonnet 130 (as Shakespeare didn’t usually name his sonnets) but also known as “My Mistress’ Eyes…”
“My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.”
As you can see, he follows his sonnet format with the AB-AB-CD-CD-EF-EF-GG rhyming and the fact there’s 14 lines in all and 10 syllables in each.
Although on the matter of syllables, it can be debated that some lines actually have 9 or 11 syllables but it depends how you say some words such as “damasked”.
I really like this sonnet just because he describes this woman who is anything but perfect, in fact, she’s just plain normal, but he loves her anyway.
Most people in poems try to make a person something they’re not, even I do it, for example my line about how he smells. How do I know he smells like that? He might smell like sweat and body odour but in my mind, he smells as good as he looks.
I like that Shakespeare doesn’t make his woman anything she’s not, he admits that her breath stinks and her voice doesn’t sound like gorgeous music but he loves her for all her imperfections and knows her well enough to admit she has these flaws.
Authors note is longer than the poem itself, typical!
Varelai.
You were on the 5:30 going east,
While I was on the 5:12 going south.
We were both tired after a long day.
The ring on your finger tells a story,
But I did not want to read such a thing.
I imagine your smell: cologne and soap.
When I look into your eyes my heart melts,
Like a drop of chocolate on the tongue.
While in my eyes you soared without a care,
Like an endless sky on a sunny day.
As my train pulls away from the station,
You watch me go and as fast as it began,
Our love fades away into memory.”
Authors note: This is a poem I wrote the other day while I was on the train waiting for it to leave from the station to take me home from work and noticed an attractive stranger across from me on a separate train going elsewhere.
I wrote the poem originally on the train but later changed it into the format of a Shakespearian sonnet. This format means each line has 10 syllables and there are 14 lines in all. Unfortunately I was unable to follow the rhyming part of the sonnet which goes AB-AB-CD-CD-EF-EF-GG, meaning the last word in line A rhymes with the last word in A and so on. It would have complicated the poem too much at this point but the challenge of getting the poem to 10 syllables in each line was challenge enough.
And I may have used a little poetic license as we didn’t ACTUALLY lock eyes, I stared at him but he never turned towards me, he continued to stare straight ahead so I only saw his face from the side. And I don’t actually know where he was going and at what time. But as a poet, you are allowed to make things up when you find your muse, who is otherwise a perfect target for a poem.
And now, here is my favourite Shakespeare sonnet, it’s formally known as Sonnet 130 (as Shakespeare didn’t usually name his sonnets) but also known as “My Mistress’ Eyes…”
“My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.”
As you can see, he follows his sonnet format with the AB-AB-CD-CD-EF-EF-GG rhyming and the fact there’s 14 lines in all and 10 syllables in each.
Although on the matter of syllables, it can be debated that some lines actually have 9 or 11 syllables but it depends how you say some words such as “damasked”.
I really like this sonnet just because he describes this woman who is anything but perfect, in fact, she’s just plain normal, but he loves her anyway.
Most people in poems try to make a person something they’re not, even I do it, for example my line about how he smells. How do I know he smells like that? He might smell like sweat and body odour but in my mind, he smells as good as he looks.
I like that Shakespeare doesn’t make his woman anything she’s not, he admits that her breath stinks and her voice doesn’t sound like gorgeous music but he loves her for all her imperfections and knows her well enough to admit she has these flaws.
Authors note is longer than the poem itself, typical!
Varelai.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Queer bullying, It Gets Better
Hi All,
The rate of queer suicide in America at the moment is shocking and so so sad it leaves me depressed and speechless.
Today I'm just going to share a few videos involved in the Trevor Project with the theme of "It Gets Better" and I'm also going to share my own story.
The main point of all this is that the suicides HAVE to stop, these kids who could grow up to be the most INCREDIBLE of adults are dying young before they even have a chance to prove themselves and it's all because of the bullying they experience in school.
They feel hated, they feel like they're not wanted but as Harvey Milk said "You are not sick, you are not wrong, God does not hate you".
Harvey Milk was an incredible queer activist and I think it would be well worth anyone's while to watch the movie Milk to see the difference he made in the world.
It makes me sad that I feel like I will never be able to change the world. I have tried in the past in some capacity, as you'll read in my story but I don't know how I can continue to save people and change the views of homophobic people.
How can I, an unknown person, save millions of people who feel like dying is the only way or that the world is better without them?
I don't know what to do anymore but I NEED to do something.
First up, here is a video of an American member of council Joel Burns who, in the middle of a council session shares his story about growing up gay and encourages teens that things get better if you can only wait to see that happen. It's a very emotional clip and I cried for 10 minutes straight.
The next is a message from my personal idol Ellen DeGeneres. It's short but gets the message out loud and clear.
Just a couple more. This one is a story from an average gay couple named Dan and Terry who's love conquered all.
This message is from Neil Patrick Harris who plays Barney in How I Met Your Mother, a programme I love. This man is usually so so hilarious but clearly he can be serious when he needs to be.
The last message is from Tim Gunn from Project Runway.
There are many more normal people and celebrities sharing their stories online if you search "It gets better project" on Youtube or google the "Trevor Project" you can find them but for now, here is my story and my message to queer youth:
"This is a message to go along with the videos by celebrities such as Ellen De Generes, Tim Gunn and Neil Patrick Harris in the campaign to tell queer youth that it is all going to be okay and that things do get better as you get older.
I know I’m not famous like any of those people, although I do one day dream of being as great as them, but right now I’m just an average teenager, who has not made a clear, final decision on her sexuality but knows what it’s like to grow up in an environment of hate and torment.
I left high-school two years ago but while I was there, I had strong feelings for girls and decided it was in my best interests to come out. The bullying I felt after making that decision was cruel and unyielding, something I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.
The group I hung out with at school was often pelted with bags of half eaten fruit or vinegar bombs or rocks and try as we may none of the staff at school ever listened to us about the abuse we were experiencing on a daily basis or ever even attempted to do anything to stop it.
I created a gay/straight alliance type group in my last year at school to try and help and support queer youth at school and give us a place to go to get away from the relentless bullying but also to try to encourage anyone who was in the closet to realise that there was a safe place for them to be who they were at school, even if it was only in a small group.
But all this is history for me now. I studied Journalism last year and gained a diploma in an environment of caring, supportive classmates who, although they knew my sexuality, never judged me, bullied me or made me feel like less of a person.
It was that moment when I realised that in the real world, being gay, bi or lesbian doesn’t change how people think of you. They are most often supportive of you as a person, no matter who you love.
There are also gay bars and clubs, a gay fair and gay Olympics where it is safe to be who you are because everyone else has also been through the same things you have.
So, it does get better, take it from someone who knows and often open minded people admire those with the courage and strength to come out, particularly if they’re willing to speak out and use their experience to try and help others as well.
We’ve all felt lost, confused, hurt and suicidal but those feeling’s don’t mean the end of the world, it’s only the beginning of your journey and the path does get smoother as you venture onwards.
The cliché is true that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger and queer youth are living proof of that when they grow up to become the strongest of adults, the pillars of our society.
There is no need for queer teenagers with so much potential to die.
Queer people have been known to do great things as adults, even in New Zealand, look at politicians like Grant Robertson, Chris Carter, or even Georgina Beyer who have really made a difference to our country by being out and open about their sexuality.
My main message is this: Never be afraid to be who you are, you are the ones who bring colour and light into this grey old world. Be proud and be strong."
Thanks for reading,
Varelai.
The rate of queer suicide in America at the moment is shocking and so so sad it leaves me depressed and speechless.
Today I'm just going to share a few videos involved in the Trevor Project with the theme of "It Gets Better" and I'm also going to share my own story.
The main point of all this is that the suicides HAVE to stop, these kids who could grow up to be the most INCREDIBLE of adults are dying young before they even have a chance to prove themselves and it's all because of the bullying they experience in school.
They feel hated, they feel like they're not wanted but as Harvey Milk said "You are not sick, you are not wrong, God does not hate you".
Harvey Milk was an incredible queer activist and I think it would be well worth anyone's while to watch the movie Milk to see the difference he made in the world.
It makes me sad that I feel like I will never be able to change the world. I have tried in the past in some capacity, as you'll read in my story but I don't know how I can continue to save people and change the views of homophobic people.
How can I, an unknown person, save millions of people who feel like dying is the only way or that the world is better without them?
I don't know what to do anymore but I NEED to do something.
First up, here is a video of an American member of council Joel Burns who, in the middle of a council session shares his story about growing up gay and encourages teens that things get better if you can only wait to see that happen. It's a very emotional clip and I cried for 10 minutes straight.
The next is a message from my personal idol Ellen DeGeneres. It's short but gets the message out loud and clear.
Just a couple more. This one is a story from an average gay couple named Dan and Terry who's love conquered all.
This message is from Neil Patrick Harris who plays Barney in How I Met Your Mother, a programme I love. This man is usually so so hilarious but clearly he can be serious when he needs to be.
The last message is from Tim Gunn from Project Runway.
There are many more normal people and celebrities sharing their stories online if you search "It gets better project" on Youtube or google the "Trevor Project" you can find them but for now, here is my story and my message to queer youth:
"This is a message to go along with the videos by celebrities such as Ellen De Generes, Tim Gunn and Neil Patrick Harris in the campaign to tell queer youth that it is all going to be okay and that things do get better as you get older.
I know I’m not famous like any of those people, although I do one day dream of being as great as them, but right now I’m just an average teenager, who has not made a clear, final decision on her sexuality but knows what it’s like to grow up in an environment of hate and torment.
I left high-school two years ago but while I was there, I had strong feelings for girls and decided it was in my best interests to come out. The bullying I felt after making that decision was cruel and unyielding, something I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy.
The group I hung out with at school was often pelted with bags of half eaten fruit or vinegar bombs or rocks and try as we may none of the staff at school ever listened to us about the abuse we were experiencing on a daily basis or ever even attempted to do anything to stop it.
I created a gay/straight alliance type group in my last year at school to try and help and support queer youth at school and give us a place to go to get away from the relentless bullying but also to try to encourage anyone who was in the closet to realise that there was a safe place for them to be who they were at school, even if it was only in a small group.
But all this is history for me now. I studied Journalism last year and gained a diploma in an environment of caring, supportive classmates who, although they knew my sexuality, never judged me, bullied me or made me feel like less of a person.
It was that moment when I realised that in the real world, being gay, bi or lesbian doesn’t change how people think of you. They are most often supportive of you as a person, no matter who you love.
There are also gay bars and clubs, a gay fair and gay Olympics where it is safe to be who you are because everyone else has also been through the same things you have.
So, it does get better, take it from someone who knows and often open minded people admire those with the courage and strength to come out, particularly if they’re willing to speak out and use their experience to try and help others as well.
We’ve all felt lost, confused, hurt and suicidal but those feeling’s don’t mean the end of the world, it’s only the beginning of your journey and the path does get smoother as you venture onwards.
The cliché is true that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger and queer youth are living proof of that when they grow up to become the strongest of adults, the pillars of our society.
There is no need for queer teenagers with so much potential to die.
Queer people have been known to do great things as adults, even in New Zealand, look at politicians like Grant Robertson, Chris Carter, or even Georgina Beyer who have really made a difference to our country by being out and open about their sexuality.
My main message is this: Never be afraid to be who you are, you are the ones who bring colour and light into this grey old world. Be proud and be strong."
Thanks for reading,
Varelai.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Racism
Paul Henry’s racist slurs have made me realise that I am not as racist as I originally thought I was.
His slurs, which include saying our Fijian Indian Governor General is “not a real New Zealander” and making fun of the name of an Indian woman who’s surname is “Dickshit”, were offensive to most New Zealanders and to their great delight, made him resign yesterday.
In my opinion, a real New Zealander is whoever feels like a New Zealander and nothing a TV presenter says can change that. For example, my German friend feels like a New Zealander, she lived here for a couple of years on and off and adores the country. She is now living in London but feels homesick for New Zealand, not Germany and can’t wait to come back. Who is anyone to say she is not a real New Zealander, I consider her to be as much a part of this country as I am.
But in saying that, the Prime Minister can't even pronounce our Governor General's name so clearly he's not very NZ at all.
I have never taken anything Paul Henry says seriously because it is never actually intended to be serious, he is a funny person so anything he says is intended as comedy, black humour maybe (both literally and figuratively) but never intended to offend. In fact, I just watched some clips and laughed out loud, a lot. He is HILARIOUS and will be dearly missed.
So I didn’t personally feel offended by any of Paul’s comments and they didn’t make me angry but many of my Facebook friends worked themselves into frenzies of anger saying they’d boycott TVNZ until Mr Henry was eliminated from his position.
I can sometimes be a little bit racist, I don’t know if I could date members of certain cultures but I have black friends and I love them as much as any of my other friends and would never say anything to intentionally hurt or offend someone of any race.
On Friday night I sat on a train going home and talked to an Indian conductor, who, although his English was less than perfect, was very interesting and had good opinions about what was going on in the land of trains and I discovered train conductors get as frustrated as we do with the problems with the trains and how people react to them.
The conductors barely know what’s going on half the time and what the problems are so how can they possibly do anything about it or know what to say to the passengers who ask why the fuck their train is 20 minutes to an hour late or doesn’t come at all.
If I had been racist, I would have looked at this conductor and not given him a chance because he was black or Indian. I would have missed out on talking to someone who shared similar opinions to me but also on learning about something I previously knew little about.
I watched the movie Gran Torino on Saturday night. I’m pretty sure when it first came out it won academy awards and Oscars etc because of the issues it dealt with and the eloquent way in which those issues were dealt with.
Clint Eastwood, who is looking very old and frail compared to what he was in his younger years, is the main character. He is a racist, grumpy, strange old man who is a little messed up after his wife dies at the beginning of the film.
The thing that really got to me about this movie and made me adore it is the fact that although he was a racist old jerk, Mr Eastwood’s character is eventually able to make a change for the better, realising that although he may have had some bad experience with certain races in the past, the future does not have to be the same.
He eventually becomes close friends with his Asian neighbours. He loves their food, he protects them, helps then and even allows one of the children to work for him. He becomes a role model for his young neighbours and they end up respecting and caring for him deeply.
I’m not racist, I’m willing to give people from any race a chance based on how they as a person treat me. But in return, I expect anyone else to give me a chance no matter my age, gender, sexuality or race.
I have had some problems with certain races in the past such as Somalis or South Africans but I am just as willing to give people from those races a fresh start and a non-judgmental view when I meet them, rather than judging them on what other members of their race have been like towards me.
His slurs, which include saying our Fijian Indian Governor General is “not a real New Zealander” and making fun of the name of an Indian woman who’s surname is “Dickshit”, were offensive to most New Zealanders and to their great delight, made him resign yesterday.
In my opinion, a real New Zealander is whoever feels like a New Zealander and nothing a TV presenter says can change that. For example, my German friend feels like a New Zealander, she lived here for a couple of years on and off and adores the country. She is now living in London but feels homesick for New Zealand, not Germany and can’t wait to come back. Who is anyone to say she is not a real New Zealander, I consider her to be as much a part of this country as I am.
But in saying that, the Prime Minister can't even pronounce our Governor General's name so clearly he's not very NZ at all.
I have never taken anything Paul Henry says seriously because it is never actually intended to be serious, he is a funny person so anything he says is intended as comedy, black humour maybe (both literally and figuratively) but never intended to offend. In fact, I just watched some clips and laughed out loud, a lot. He is HILARIOUS and will be dearly missed.
So I didn’t personally feel offended by any of Paul’s comments and they didn’t make me angry but many of my Facebook friends worked themselves into frenzies of anger saying they’d boycott TVNZ until Mr Henry was eliminated from his position.
I can sometimes be a little bit racist, I don’t know if I could date members of certain cultures but I have black friends and I love them as much as any of my other friends and would never say anything to intentionally hurt or offend someone of any race.
On Friday night I sat on a train going home and talked to an Indian conductor, who, although his English was less than perfect, was very interesting and had good opinions about what was going on in the land of trains and I discovered train conductors get as frustrated as we do with the problems with the trains and how people react to them.
The conductors barely know what’s going on half the time and what the problems are so how can they possibly do anything about it or know what to say to the passengers who ask why the fuck their train is 20 minutes to an hour late or doesn’t come at all.
If I had been racist, I would have looked at this conductor and not given him a chance because he was black or Indian. I would have missed out on talking to someone who shared similar opinions to me but also on learning about something I previously knew little about.
I watched the movie Gran Torino on Saturday night. I’m pretty sure when it first came out it won academy awards and Oscars etc because of the issues it dealt with and the eloquent way in which those issues were dealt with.
Clint Eastwood, who is looking very old and frail compared to what he was in his younger years, is the main character. He is a racist, grumpy, strange old man who is a little messed up after his wife dies at the beginning of the film.
The thing that really got to me about this movie and made me adore it is the fact that although he was a racist old jerk, Mr Eastwood’s character is eventually able to make a change for the better, realising that although he may have had some bad experience with certain races in the past, the future does not have to be the same.
He eventually becomes close friends with his Asian neighbours. He loves their food, he protects them, helps then and even allows one of the children to work for him. He becomes a role model for his young neighbours and they end up respecting and caring for him deeply.
I’m not racist, I’m willing to give people from any race a chance based on how they as a person treat me. But in return, I expect anyone else to give me a chance no matter my age, gender, sexuality or race.
I have had some problems with certain races in the past such as Somalis or South Africans but I am just as willing to give people from those races a fresh start and a non-judgmental view when I meet them, rather than judging them on what other members of their race have been like towards me.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Death and the police
A lot of people hate the police for whatever reason. Whether it's because they've given them a ticket, stopped them from participating in illegal activities or just been genuinely annoying towards members of the public, police are really very unpopular.
Recently the dismembered body of Carmen Thomas was found in some bushland in Auckland, she'd been missing quite a while and pressumed dead but they didn't know when they'd finally find her.
The police worked very hard trying to find her and her killer, they followed leads, held press conferences, questioned suspects and tried their hardest to make sure Carmen got justice.
Because I dislike the police in general, I never really think about them as human beings with emotions or feelings.
When the detective in charge of the Carmen Thomas case found her or found out that she had been found, he held a press conference to announce it but had to cut it short for the fact he was feeling very emotional.
Any officers involved in the case will get trauma counselling also.
This was the first time I was really struck by the fact these people are PEOPLE, they're like you or I, they are traumatised by seeing the body of a dismembered woman, they are overcome with grief when dealing with victims' families and need help to try to get over the cases they have come across in their careers.
In New Zealand we don't have many murders so when we do have one, especially one as graphic as the Carmen Thomas murder, it must be hard for the people involved to handle. They're not used to it, and nor should they ever get used to it. The time you get used to seeing death and no longer feel anything for a dead person, is the time you should probably quit the force or get some form of help. Death by murder should always be a shock for humans. It is not natural for one human to kill another.
I guess my belief was always that police didn't care enough about people to feel anything when someone died or that they saw a lot of death so were able to seperate their feelings from the case.
It shocked me that the lead detective was close to tears when announcing they'd found Carmen, seeing him break down really hit home for me as to how fragile the police are. They're not super heroes, they're not made of steel, they're just average humans. I guess for me, this means next time a cop gives me a ticket, maybe I'll be less hard on them, they're just humans doing a job, it's not always a nice job but they got into it originally to help people and that's mostly what they're out there to do.
Another case where police were quite emotional was the death of toddler Aisling Symes this time last year.
It affected all of New Zealand really. She was an innocent little girl who wandered off and was missing for a few days before they found her body down a drain.
At the time I wrote a poem dedicated to her, I was so affected by her death. It really was a wake up call for all of New Zealand.
The police were and still are very affected by this death, they have families and children, young and old so they could all relate to how much a child means to a parent and the thought of losing their children broke their hearts.
The detective in charge of the case was as emotional as the rest of New Zealand when he announced the fact the little girl had been found.
The frailty of the police in this case was understandable as EVERYONE felt the same way, we were all devastated but the reaction of the police was still a little shocking because in society, we look to these people as pillars of strength so when they break down, we all feel a little shocked.
A plaque has recently been erected near where Aisling died, it says: "In remembrance of Aisling Celine Symes. Tragically lost near here on 5 October 2009. Loved greatly and mourned deeply. She touched a nation."
She really did touch a nation. We were all brought together by her death, whether you were a member of the police or just a regular citizen, the effect was the same.
At the time, both citizens and police were hoping and praying the girl would be found alive and well so the shock of her death caused collective heart break.
So basically the main message today is that police are human too, they may be bastards sometimes but they are just doing their jobs and they have the same feelings as any other human and graphic cases affect them the same as anyone else.
Varelai.
Recently the dismembered body of Carmen Thomas was found in some bushland in Auckland, she'd been missing quite a while and pressumed dead but they didn't know when they'd finally find her.
The police worked very hard trying to find her and her killer, they followed leads, held press conferences, questioned suspects and tried their hardest to make sure Carmen got justice.
Because I dislike the police in general, I never really think about them as human beings with emotions or feelings.
When the detective in charge of the Carmen Thomas case found her or found out that she had been found, he held a press conference to announce it but had to cut it short for the fact he was feeling very emotional.
Any officers involved in the case will get trauma counselling also.
This was the first time I was really struck by the fact these people are PEOPLE, they're like you or I, they are traumatised by seeing the body of a dismembered woman, they are overcome with grief when dealing with victims' families and need help to try to get over the cases they have come across in their careers.
In New Zealand we don't have many murders so when we do have one, especially one as graphic as the Carmen Thomas murder, it must be hard for the people involved to handle. They're not used to it, and nor should they ever get used to it. The time you get used to seeing death and no longer feel anything for a dead person, is the time you should probably quit the force or get some form of help. Death by murder should always be a shock for humans. It is not natural for one human to kill another.
I guess my belief was always that police didn't care enough about people to feel anything when someone died or that they saw a lot of death so were able to seperate their feelings from the case.
It shocked me that the lead detective was close to tears when announcing they'd found Carmen, seeing him break down really hit home for me as to how fragile the police are. They're not super heroes, they're not made of steel, they're just average humans. I guess for me, this means next time a cop gives me a ticket, maybe I'll be less hard on them, they're just humans doing a job, it's not always a nice job but they got into it originally to help people and that's mostly what they're out there to do.
Another case where police were quite emotional was the death of toddler Aisling Symes this time last year.
It affected all of New Zealand really. She was an innocent little girl who wandered off and was missing for a few days before they found her body down a drain.
At the time I wrote a poem dedicated to her, I was so affected by her death. It really was a wake up call for all of New Zealand.
The police were and still are very affected by this death, they have families and children, young and old so they could all relate to how much a child means to a parent and the thought of losing their children broke their hearts.
The detective in charge of the case was as emotional as the rest of New Zealand when he announced the fact the little girl had been found.
The frailty of the police in this case was understandable as EVERYONE felt the same way, we were all devastated but the reaction of the police was still a little shocking because in society, we look to these people as pillars of strength so when they break down, we all feel a little shocked.
A plaque has recently been erected near where Aisling died, it says: "In remembrance of Aisling Celine Symes. Tragically lost near here on 5 October 2009. Loved greatly and mourned deeply. She touched a nation."
She really did touch a nation. We were all brought together by her death, whether you were a member of the police or just a regular citizen, the effect was the same.
At the time, both citizens and police were hoping and praying the girl would be found alive and well so the shock of her death caused collective heart break.
So basically the main message today is that police are human too, they may be bastards sometimes but they are just doing their jobs and they have the same feelings as any other human and graphic cases affect them the same as anyone else.
Varelai.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Being a rockstar
Sometimes I feel like I'm living the rockstar lifestyle. Wearing sunglasses inside, drinking like it's going out of fashion and staying up later than any person should ever be awake.
Of course, not playing music means I will never REALLY be a rockstar and although I have been asked many times, I don't actually want to play an instrument.
The thing is though, eventually, every rockstar goes to rehab and right now I'm in that phase.
As we speak I am drinking my final two and a half glasses of wine before I give up alcohol... Again.
I drank quite a bit while I was in my stressful job two months ago. I felt entitled to it, it made me feel better and less stressed when the world was breaking down in front of me on a daily basis.
Drinking at night, every night, was my way of destressing.
But I haven't had a job in two months. Why then, have I been drinking every night for the last few weeks?
Lately I've had some issues, one of which was talked about in the last blog, in as much depth as I'm willing to discuss in public.
It's these issues that are making me drink despite the fact I don't have a stressful job to destress from.
My friends have recently used a form of intervention to tell me that I drink too much and that they would like me to stop.
I said I would but I first had to finish an already open bottle of wine I had, which is what I'm doing now before I go completely alcohol free tomorrow.
I'll continue to update this blog on my progress.
I'm currently trying to recruit a kind of "AA buddy" who is in a similar postition to me (ie: needs to stop drinking before her life turns to absolute shit) and I thought maybe we could help each other out by supporting each other in the journey to not drink. Maybe if she accepts we'll talk everytime we feel like we need to drink and be able to help eachother out.
Tomorrow is the day of reckoning and although I didn't WANT to give up drinking, having my first last glass tonight and not enjoying it, made me think maybe it is time to stop.
The hard thing and the biggest test will be when something bad happens, how will I be able to handle not drinking?
Exactly one month till my birthday. Will be hard to not drink for that, sometimes it's nice to have a drink to celebrate your special day.
I hope that the friends who want me to not drink, will be around to support me in any problems I have to make not drinking an easier process. If I can talk to them about my issues, maybe I won't need to drink to make things easier.
Right now drinking is just useful for dulling my senses when things are going wrong. I need a replacement that's all.
Varelai.
Of course, not playing music means I will never REALLY be a rockstar and although I have been asked many times, I don't actually want to play an instrument.
The thing is though, eventually, every rockstar goes to rehab and right now I'm in that phase.
As we speak I am drinking my final two and a half glasses of wine before I give up alcohol... Again.
I drank quite a bit while I was in my stressful job two months ago. I felt entitled to it, it made me feel better and less stressed when the world was breaking down in front of me on a daily basis.
Drinking at night, every night, was my way of destressing.
But I haven't had a job in two months. Why then, have I been drinking every night for the last few weeks?
Lately I've had some issues, one of which was talked about in the last blog, in as much depth as I'm willing to discuss in public.
It's these issues that are making me drink despite the fact I don't have a stressful job to destress from.
My friends have recently used a form of intervention to tell me that I drink too much and that they would like me to stop.
I said I would but I first had to finish an already open bottle of wine I had, which is what I'm doing now before I go completely alcohol free tomorrow.
I'll continue to update this blog on my progress.
I'm currently trying to recruit a kind of "AA buddy" who is in a similar postition to me (ie: needs to stop drinking before her life turns to absolute shit) and I thought maybe we could help each other out by supporting each other in the journey to not drink. Maybe if she accepts we'll talk everytime we feel like we need to drink and be able to help eachother out.
Tomorrow is the day of reckoning and although I didn't WANT to give up drinking, having my first last glass tonight and not enjoying it, made me think maybe it is time to stop.
The hard thing and the biggest test will be when something bad happens, how will I be able to handle not drinking?
Exactly one month till my birthday. Will be hard to not drink for that, sometimes it's nice to have a drink to celebrate your special day.
I hope that the friends who want me to not drink, will be around to support me in any problems I have to make not drinking an easier process. If I can talk to them about my issues, maybe I won't need to drink to make things easier.
Right now drinking is just useful for dulling my senses when things are going wrong. I need a replacement that's all.
Varelai.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
The Sleaze
Hands all over my body,
Wandering, exploring.
Did I ask for this when I came out tonight?
Enjoying myself,
Having a dance, I never expected it to end this way.
Grinding into me, grabbing my hips,
Your touch makes me shiver.
What makes you think I want this to happen?
Feeling violated, dirty,
You make me sick to my stomach.
Even a shower won't wash away your filth from my body,
The terror stays in my mind constantly.
Jumping at every slight touch,
Was I always this scared and alone?
Girls dressed in barely any clothes,
Why don't you pick on them?
Wanting to wrap myself in layers of winter clothes,
Maybe the chills will go away, maybe I won't cause this again.
The smell of stale beer and cigarettes,
Do you think that excuses your behaviour?
Moving on, beginning to enjoy the company of men,
But you are a reminder that they're all the same.
You are the reason I despise your kind.
Author's note: There are not enough words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I hope this comes close to somehow explaining it.
I thought I was ready to love someone of the male kind but how can I when certain males act like the biggest creeps in the world, violating innocent girls, coming back again and again even when they say no.
This experience will never leave my mind. Any man's touch will turn my stomach.
I feel like I should cut off all my hair again, at least men used to ignore me when it was short. It gave the message loud and clear. A message I want to give again. I HATE MEN, even hate is not a strong enough word to describe how dispicable they are.
A female would never do this to someone. I may never trust another human being and yet the question never leaves my mind: Did I bring this on myself? Were my jeans too tight? Should I have worn more jackets?
Varelai.
Wandering, exploring.
Did I ask for this when I came out tonight?
Enjoying myself,
Having a dance, I never expected it to end this way.
Grinding into me, grabbing my hips,
Your touch makes me shiver.
What makes you think I want this to happen?
Feeling violated, dirty,
You make me sick to my stomach.
Even a shower won't wash away your filth from my body,
The terror stays in my mind constantly.
Jumping at every slight touch,
Was I always this scared and alone?
Girls dressed in barely any clothes,
Why don't you pick on them?
Wanting to wrap myself in layers of winter clothes,
Maybe the chills will go away, maybe I won't cause this again.
The smell of stale beer and cigarettes,
Do you think that excuses your behaviour?
Moving on, beginning to enjoy the company of men,
But you are a reminder that they're all the same.
You are the reason I despise your kind.
Author's note: There are not enough words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I hope this comes close to somehow explaining it.
I thought I was ready to love someone of the male kind but how can I when certain males act like the biggest creeps in the world, violating innocent girls, coming back again and again even when they say no.
This experience will never leave my mind. Any man's touch will turn my stomach.
I feel like I should cut off all my hair again, at least men used to ignore me when it was short. It gave the message loud and clear. A message I want to give again. I HATE MEN, even hate is not a strong enough word to describe how dispicable they are.
A female would never do this to someone. I may never trust another human being and yet the question never leaves my mind: Did I bring this on myself? Were my jeans too tight? Should I have worn more jackets?
Varelai.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The John to my Taupin
Age just a number,
Maturity should matter.
Wise beyond my years,
But not where it counts.
You were a gentleman and made me feel special,
But eight years came between us.
Your music and humour brightened my life,
Without you the dark ages have come again.
Magical fast fingers,
I wanted to be the one you used them on.
Age restrictions legally, socially, romantically,
Always a barrier but I thought we'd be different.
Things have changed for the worst,
We can't even be friends.
The love of your life is yet to be found,
But when she is, she'll be the luckiest of women.
You'll treat her like a princess,
You'll be the king of husbands.
Varelai.
Maturity should matter.
Wise beyond my years,
But not where it counts.
You were a gentleman and made me feel special,
But eight years came between us.
Your music and humour brightened my life,
Without you the dark ages have come again.
Magical fast fingers,
I wanted to be the one you used them on.
Age restrictions legally, socially, romantically,
Always a barrier but I thought we'd be different.
Things have changed for the worst,
We can't even be friends.
The love of your life is yet to be found,
But when she is, she'll be the luckiest of women.
You'll treat her like a princess,
You'll be the king of husbands.
Varelai.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Reasons why my life is Christchurch
The initial earthquake shook my world and left cracks everywhere.
The ground underneath the house of my life turned to mushy quicksand.
The aftershocks keep coming long after the initial massive earthquake.
The bricks of my broken house fell on my BMW.
The aftershocks make sleeping difficult, even when I want to sleep, it's difficult.
Today I almost drove my car straight into one of the cracks.
Recovery will take some time and the aftershocks keep coming, preventing rebuilding.
There's not much more I can say to make this whole thing less vague but lets just say I'm not exactly having the best time in my life at this point.
Saying anymore here would give away the game, not that many people are reading this but incase they do, vague is the only way I can go.
Varelai.
The ground underneath the house of my life turned to mushy quicksand.
The aftershocks keep coming long after the initial massive earthquake.
The bricks of my broken house fell on my BMW.
The aftershocks make sleeping difficult, even when I want to sleep, it's difficult.
Today I almost drove my car straight into one of the cracks.
Recovery will take some time and the aftershocks keep coming, preventing rebuilding.
There's not much more I can say to make this whole thing less vague but lets just say I'm not exactly having the best time in my life at this point.
Saying anymore here would give away the game, not that many people are reading this but incase they do, vague is the only way I can go.
Varelai.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The passion
I miss being passionate about things.
I used to have a blog on Bebo and speak passionately about the issues in my life, homophobia, religion and all sorts of other controversial issues.
But now I just don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care but as Rise Against says "Neutrality means that you don't really care" and I do feel neutral about all these things now, rather than passionate.
Maybe it's because I feel significantly straighter now than I used to so I don't feel as INTO gay issues.
Sure, homophobia is still a horrible, terrible thing that shouldn't be wished on anyone but it doesn't affect me anymore so I don't feel as passionate to make a stand about it.
I outed myself in college and started a queer support group to help the other gay kids in school to defend themselves from the homophobic attitudes of others in the school.
It was hard, we were picked on a lot, bullied more than anyone can imagine but I was admired for standing up for myself and my friends, by the more open minded people in the school. I took a stand and it felt good. I no longer stand for things.
But this post is from a time when it did. It was one of the most effective blogs I ever wrote on Bebo so I thought it could do with reposting for opinions on this blog.
Sunday 9th September 2007:
I was disapointed with the reaction my parents gave me when I came out to them. They accepted me.
I really expected the whole "You're bi, get out of the house, we never want to see you again", at least THEN there would have been some DRAMA! What I got was "Its ok, we love you, whatever makes you happy" etc.
DISAPOINTMENT!
Homophobia DOES have to stop though, there is nothing I hate more in this world than homophobia and people who judge people based on sex, sexuality, race, religion, whatever.
I went to church a few weeks ago (because I am religious as you all know) and felt guilty the WHOLE way through because I knew in my head and my heart that I was in love with a girl and she was all I could think about the WHOLE service!
In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong to be thinking about her during church but I cant help what I feel. This week it wasnt so bad but that ONCE I really felt a clash between my sexuality and my religion.
Until that day I had always felt like I was able to mix the two and there would be nothing wrong.
There's nothing wrong with mixing the two but when you should be thinking about God and you're thinking about the GIRL you love (thats a sin as it is), religion and sexuality are NOT mixing!
I have blogged before about how hard it must be for someone who along with their family is strongly religious to DOUBT their sexuality because of the fact religion and homosexuality DO NOT mix!
In the movie Walk The Line, Johnny Cash had a great point. Different circumstances but the same principle.
Johnny's manager was talking about how most of Johnny's fans were Christians and they didnt want to hear him sing to a bunch of murderers and criminals, Johnny turns around and says "They're not real good Christians then are they?"
The Christian belief is to love your neighbour, treat others how you would like to be treated etc, just like Jesus did. However, if they are judging someone based on what theyve done or who they are, that doesnt exactly make them good Christians does it?
Im reading the bible at the moment and Jesus tells people not to judge others, he tells people to forgive people for what theyve done. Im sure he says something about hate the sin not the sinner.
Its all good and well saying these things in THEORY but when it comes down to it, would you actually do the right thing?
Like it says in the homophobia thing above, if your parents are strongly religious and maybe they arent AGAINST gays, they're accepting and stuff but then if their son turned around and said "hey guys, im gay" they would disown him!
That is not practising what you preach if you cant accept someone in your own FAMILY for who they are!
I guess some people would say Im lucky my family didnt react badly, I guess if they had it would have killed me really but since they reacted well, I just wish they hadnt coz then I would have a story to tell.
The worst part about homophobia is that kids have KILLED themselves because their sexuality has not been accepted and they have gotten too much shit for it!
Im glad Ive never felt that bad about things that I even had to CONSIDER dying.
Sure Ive gotten shit from people about sexuality. Surprisingly its been more guys at school than I ever got from girls.
But I can handle it, they're right, what dont kill you, only makes you stronger.
I am a stronger person for the shit Ive had to endure and Im sure any other kid who has had to handle the same stuff I have (or worse) can say the same thing.
Final line. Dont give up. Ever!
Be proud of who you are. People should accept you but no one ever does what they SHOULD do. If they dont, yea itll hurt but dont give up coz it can only make you a stronger person.
The best people Ive ever met have either been straight but GREATLY open and accepting or gay and just awesome people because of what theyve been through!
Stop judging people before you know them! If you judge people based on sexuality, you will lose some of the greatest people you will EVER know! Thats your loss for being such an ignorant piece of shit.
Finally a poem to finish it all off. I wrote this in June 2008 after a couple of boys called me a "fat lesbian". This was my response on my blog: "I want them to know that when I see them, all I see is two boys, scared of their own feelings, trying to take me down to their level because I am strong, confident and open about who I am and my sexuality.
I am proud to be part of the gay community and I hope that one day, these boys will come out and feel the same way."
Your Words Will Never Hurt Me
Never ending insults,
Year after year.
You think you still hurt me with your cliches?
Call me something I haven't heard before,
I dare you.
Words used to stab me, like a knife through my heart,
Now they're like annoying background noise.
I'm a brave person,
I came out, it took guts,
Guts you clearly don't have.
You don't hurt me,
'Sticks and stones', you're the ones I feel sorry for.
I'm not afraid to be myself,
At least I know who I am.
I don't hate you,
I just hope that one day,
You won't be afraid to admit to who you are aswell.
Ah, the passion. I was so feisty, I could have taken on the world and I did sometimes.
Varelai.
I used to have a blog on Bebo and speak passionately about the issues in my life, homophobia, religion and all sorts of other controversial issues.
But now I just don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care but as Rise Against says "Neutrality means that you don't really care" and I do feel neutral about all these things now, rather than passionate.
Maybe it's because I feel significantly straighter now than I used to so I don't feel as INTO gay issues.
Sure, homophobia is still a horrible, terrible thing that shouldn't be wished on anyone but it doesn't affect me anymore so I don't feel as passionate to make a stand about it.
I outed myself in college and started a queer support group to help the other gay kids in school to defend themselves from the homophobic attitudes of others in the school.
It was hard, we were picked on a lot, bullied more than anyone can imagine but I was admired for standing up for myself and my friends, by the more open minded people in the school. I took a stand and it felt good. I no longer stand for things.
But this post is from a time when it did. It was one of the most effective blogs I ever wrote on Bebo so I thought it could do with reposting for opinions on this blog.
Sunday 9th September 2007:
I was disapointed with the reaction my parents gave me when I came out to them. They accepted me.
I really expected the whole "You're bi, get out of the house, we never want to see you again", at least THEN there would have been some DRAMA! What I got was "Its ok, we love you, whatever makes you happy" etc.
DISAPOINTMENT!
Homophobia DOES have to stop though, there is nothing I hate more in this world than homophobia and people who judge people based on sex, sexuality, race, religion, whatever.
I went to church a few weeks ago (because I am religious as you all know) and felt guilty the WHOLE way through because I knew in my head and my heart that I was in love with a girl and she was all I could think about the WHOLE service!
In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong to be thinking about her during church but I cant help what I feel. This week it wasnt so bad but that ONCE I really felt a clash between my sexuality and my religion.
Until that day I had always felt like I was able to mix the two and there would be nothing wrong.
There's nothing wrong with mixing the two but when you should be thinking about God and you're thinking about the GIRL you love (thats a sin as it is), religion and sexuality are NOT mixing!
I have blogged before about how hard it must be for someone who along with their family is strongly religious to DOUBT their sexuality because of the fact religion and homosexuality DO NOT mix!
In the movie Walk The Line, Johnny Cash had a great point. Different circumstances but the same principle.
Johnny's manager was talking about how most of Johnny's fans were Christians and they didnt want to hear him sing to a bunch of murderers and criminals, Johnny turns around and says "They're not real good Christians then are they?"
The Christian belief is to love your neighbour, treat others how you would like to be treated etc, just like Jesus did. However, if they are judging someone based on what theyve done or who they are, that doesnt exactly make them good Christians does it?
Im reading the bible at the moment and Jesus tells people not to judge others, he tells people to forgive people for what theyve done. Im sure he says something about hate the sin not the sinner.
Its all good and well saying these things in THEORY but when it comes down to it, would you actually do the right thing?
Like it says in the homophobia thing above, if your parents are strongly religious and maybe they arent AGAINST gays, they're accepting and stuff but then if their son turned around and said "hey guys, im gay" they would disown him!
That is not practising what you preach if you cant accept someone in your own FAMILY for who they are!
I guess some people would say Im lucky my family didnt react badly, I guess if they had it would have killed me really but since they reacted well, I just wish they hadnt coz then I would have a story to tell.
The worst part about homophobia is that kids have KILLED themselves because their sexuality has not been accepted and they have gotten too much shit for it!
Im glad Ive never felt that bad about things that I even had to CONSIDER dying.
Sure Ive gotten shit from people about sexuality. Surprisingly its been more guys at school than I ever got from girls.
But I can handle it, they're right, what dont kill you, only makes you stronger.
I am a stronger person for the shit Ive had to endure and Im sure any other kid who has had to handle the same stuff I have (or worse) can say the same thing.
Final line. Dont give up. Ever!
Be proud of who you are. People should accept you but no one ever does what they SHOULD do. If they dont, yea itll hurt but dont give up coz it can only make you a stronger person.
The best people Ive ever met have either been straight but GREATLY open and accepting or gay and just awesome people because of what theyve been through!
Stop judging people before you know them! If you judge people based on sexuality, you will lose some of the greatest people you will EVER know! Thats your loss for being such an ignorant piece of shit.
Finally a poem to finish it all off. I wrote this in June 2008 after a couple of boys called me a "fat lesbian". This was my response on my blog: "I want them to know that when I see them, all I see is two boys, scared of their own feelings, trying to take me down to their level because I am strong, confident and open about who I am and my sexuality.
I am proud to be part of the gay community and I hope that one day, these boys will come out and feel the same way."
Your Words Will Never Hurt Me
Never ending insults,
Year after year.
You think you still hurt me with your cliches?
Call me something I haven't heard before,
I dare you.
Words used to stab me, like a knife through my heart,
Now they're like annoying background noise.
I'm a brave person,
I came out, it took guts,
Guts you clearly don't have.
You don't hurt me,
'Sticks and stones', you're the ones I feel sorry for.
I'm not afraid to be myself,
At least I know who I am.
I don't hate you,
I just hope that one day,
You won't be afraid to admit to who you are aswell.
Ah, the passion. I was so feisty, I could have taken on the world and I did sometimes.
Varelai.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Nine eleven
I'm not American so you'd think it would be hard for me to understand exactly how much pain 9/11 caused the people of the United States.
But I get it. I watched some documentaries I recorded a few days ago and they shocked me. Every year around this time, I do the same thing. I watch programmes about September 11 and succumb to the total emotional shock these kinds of programmes bring.
Seeing the towers collapse never gets any easier. Today, watching them collapse in a matter of seconds felt like someone was stabbing a knife into my chest.
Just in those 10 seconds, thousands of people lost their lives, just like that. BAM, vapourised.
I guess that's the hardest thing for me, the fact they never even had a CHANCE to get out, they were killed instantly and not only were they killed, there weren't even bodies for grieving families. There was NOTHING left of most people and if there were, there was only a finger or a bone that was left for possible identification. Some people are probably still missing.
The programme that affected me more than anything was New York mayor of the time Rudy Gulliani's account of what 9/11 was like for him as the man in charge.
The president, Mr Bush had been evacuated to some safe space or some such thing and Gulliani was the only person in power at the coalface, with the people. Running away with them, trying to keep them calm, telling them to be strong and unafraid.
I can't even imagine what he was going through, trying to be strong and never crying in front of cameras, even when he continually found out more of his close friends were dead. He just had to be a pillar of strength for the whole of America despite how much intense emotional pain he must have been in.
Nine eleven always makes me want to listen to My Chemical Romance. They were created in 2001 after Gerard (lead singer) saw people falling from the towers. That day he wrote Skylines and Turnstyles. A song that accurately fits the feeling of the day in my mind. The skyline that was so peaceful, bright blue sky, the hot, sunny day being destroyed by smoke and destruction.
People changed their lives that day. Gerard decided he wouldn't sell his soul to a big corporation anymore and that he wanted to save the world. He did. And 10 years later, My Chemical Romance are still going strong, saving the lives of teens all around the world with their music and about to release a new album before the year is out.
New Zealand just had a tragedy of our own. Okay, it was NO 9/11 and no one died but many lives were changed by the Canterbury earthquake of 2010. Thing is, as this article shows, the quake brought New Zealanders closer together.
I spoke to an American on 9/11 this year who said the event really changed Americans and in particular New Yorkers.
New Yorkers are not known for being particularly kind, patient or caring but 9/11 changed all that.
She said she saw people helping people and people sharing cabs, something that had not been done before or since.
But they were so changed by their losses, their shock, that they were calmer, they were more caring, they were more sensitive.
Let's just take some time to remember the thousands of people who lost their lives, the firefighters who went up into the second tower even though they knew they would die when the tower collapsed and the civillians who never did anything wrong.
Varelai.
But I get it. I watched some documentaries I recorded a few days ago and they shocked me. Every year around this time, I do the same thing. I watch programmes about September 11 and succumb to the total emotional shock these kinds of programmes bring.
Seeing the towers collapse never gets any easier. Today, watching them collapse in a matter of seconds felt like someone was stabbing a knife into my chest.
Just in those 10 seconds, thousands of people lost their lives, just like that. BAM, vapourised.
I guess that's the hardest thing for me, the fact they never even had a CHANCE to get out, they were killed instantly and not only were they killed, there weren't even bodies for grieving families. There was NOTHING left of most people and if there were, there was only a finger or a bone that was left for possible identification. Some people are probably still missing.
The programme that affected me more than anything was New York mayor of the time Rudy Gulliani's account of what 9/11 was like for him as the man in charge.
The president, Mr Bush had been evacuated to some safe space or some such thing and Gulliani was the only person in power at the coalface, with the people. Running away with them, trying to keep them calm, telling them to be strong and unafraid.
I can't even imagine what he was going through, trying to be strong and never crying in front of cameras, even when he continually found out more of his close friends were dead. He just had to be a pillar of strength for the whole of America despite how much intense emotional pain he must have been in.
Nine eleven always makes me want to listen to My Chemical Romance. They were created in 2001 after Gerard (lead singer) saw people falling from the towers. That day he wrote Skylines and Turnstyles. A song that accurately fits the feeling of the day in my mind. The skyline that was so peaceful, bright blue sky, the hot, sunny day being destroyed by smoke and destruction.
People changed their lives that day. Gerard decided he wouldn't sell his soul to a big corporation anymore and that he wanted to save the world. He did. And 10 years later, My Chemical Romance are still going strong, saving the lives of teens all around the world with their music and about to release a new album before the year is out.
New Zealand just had a tragedy of our own. Okay, it was NO 9/11 and no one died but many lives were changed by the Canterbury earthquake of 2010. Thing is, as this article shows, the quake brought New Zealanders closer together.
I spoke to an American on 9/11 this year who said the event really changed Americans and in particular New Yorkers.
New Yorkers are not known for being particularly kind, patient or caring but 9/11 changed all that.
She said she saw people helping people and people sharing cabs, something that had not been done before or since.
But they were so changed by their losses, their shock, that they were calmer, they were more caring, they were more sensitive.
Let's just take some time to remember the thousands of people who lost their lives, the firefighters who went up into the second tower even though they knew they would die when the tower collapsed and the civillians who never did anything wrong.
Varelai.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Life goals and dreams
I have to become a music journalist.
There is no if or but about it.
It is the ultimate dream for me. I went to a gig last night and I loved it, every single part of it. I always do.
Every time I go to gigs I love it so much that coming home and living my dull dull life the next day is just sad to me.
It depresses me after such exciting nights, I have to come back and stop living in that excitement.
Last night was a pretty big night, I know the members of the band pretty well, one in particular and was invited up on stage to dance because the singer could see the passion I felt for the band. I could barely stay sitting in my seat and couldn't understand why no one else wanted to make the first move and get up and dance!
It was exciting. But terrifying. I guess the words on my arm "Not Afraid" mean I am able to do crazy, scary things like rock climbing or saying "fuck it" and jumping up on stage, dancing like 50-100ish people are not watching.
As a music journalist, the excitement of going to shows, would be an almost daily thing.
For the last 3-4 weeks I've been to gigs once a week and the next day there's always a "hangover" of sorts, where negative feelings appear after a night of positivity. There's extreme boredom, frustration and depression at how dull my life has become. I want to meet famous people, I want to listen to great music, I want to write about and review my experiences with great music. I want to live an exciting life.
I asked my friend if it was hard for him to go back to his non-musicial day job after performing to screaming, adoring, clapping fans all night. He said it wasn't hard but maybe he's just used to the feeling of coming down from the musicial high.
I have another friend who is studying music so that she can become a musician full time because she loves it so much. And this is someone who doesn't show much emotion or excitement about anything... ever. Even if she loves something with all the feelings in her, she won't show any excitement but I know she loves music and needs to do it full time.
I need music full time as well, but not as a musician (lack of musical talent prevents me from doing that) but I need to write about music. Writing is a passion for me but so is music. They're both things that will complete me and give me the excitement my life desperately lacks currently.
Varelai.
There is no if or but about it.
It is the ultimate dream for me. I went to a gig last night and I loved it, every single part of it. I always do.
Every time I go to gigs I love it so much that coming home and living my dull dull life the next day is just sad to me.
It depresses me after such exciting nights, I have to come back and stop living in that excitement.
Last night was a pretty big night, I know the members of the band pretty well, one in particular and was invited up on stage to dance because the singer could see the passion I felt for the band. I could barely stay sitting in my seat and couldn't understand why no one else wanted to make the first move and get up and dance!
It was exciting. But terrifying. I guess the words on my arm "Not Afraid" mean I am able to do crazy, scary things like rock climbing or saying "fuck it" and jumping up on stage, dancing like 50-100ish people are not watching.
As a music journalist, the excitement of going to shows, would be an almost daily thing.
For the last 3-4 weeks I've been to gigs once a week and the next day there's always a "hangover" of sorts, where negative feelings appear after a night of positivity. There's extreme boredom, frustration and depression at how dull my life has become. I want to meet famous people, I want to listen to great music, I want to write about and review my experiences with great music. I want to live an exciting life.
I asked my friend if it was hard for him to go back to his non-musicial day job after performing to screaming, adoring, clapping fans all night. He said it wasn't hard but maybe he's just used to the feeling of coming down from the musicial high.
I have another friend who is studying music so that she can become a musician full time because she loves it so much. And this is someone who doesn't show much emotion or excitement about anything... ever. Even if she loves something with all the feelings in her, she won't show any excitement but I know she loves music and needs to do it full time.
I need music full time as well, but not as a musician (lack of musical talent prevents me from doing that) but I need to write about music. Writing is a passion for me but so is music. They're both things that will complete me and give me the excitement my life desperately lacks currently.
Varelai.
Monday, September 6, 2010
The rules
Hey,
Last night I was told by a guy that when a guy and a girl go out to dinner, it is considered rude if the guy does not pay for dinner.
It doesn't matter if the girl asked the guy out to dinner or if they're just going out to dinner as friends, the same rule apparantly applies.
It's kind of strange to me that there should be such a sexist rule in this day and age.
I went out to dinner with a guy not so long ago and he paid for dinner. I was shocked and impressed when he paid because I didn't expect it. I already had my wallet out, ready to pay my half and he told me not to worry and that he had it covered.
I didn't know that maybe he was just paying because of some unspoken guy rule and because he thought it was expected that he do so.
Of course, maybe he wasn't just doing it because he "had" to, maybe he was doing it because he's a gentleman and thought it was a nice thing to do, which it was.
So, what do you all think?
I think maybe the person who initiates the dinner should pay. So, in this situation, it would have been me.
What if two girls go out to dinner, as partners or as friends, who pays then?
Half and half is also another good solution. Paying for your half of the meal just seems fair.
If I go out to dinner with this guy again, something I plan on doing, I wouldn't expect him to pay again, in fact I wouldn't LET him pay again.
Sure, it's a nice gesture but to me, it's not fair that he pay EVERY time we go to dinner, I'd feel cruel letting him pay if I knew he was doing it just because of some unwritten rule, that he thinks it'd be considered rude for him not to.
For me, it's rude if I don't at LEAST offer to pay and more rude if I let him pay fully more than once.
I've always been taught, coming from a poor family, that if I want something, I need to pay for it myself so going halves in the dinner is the least I can do to be polite.
George Costanza from Seinfeld, one of the people I've always liked and admired for his attitude towards everything, said that all he wants is for the girl to "make the grab" for the check.
"GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner,
she doesn't even reach for the check. Thats all Im asking for is a reach.
Is that so much to ask for?"
Even if he ends up paying anyway, he just wants the girl to at least attempt to pay to show she cares.
What's your opinion?
Varelai.
Last night I was told by a guy that when a guy and a girl go out to dinner, it is considered rude if the guy does not pay for dinner.
It doesn't matter if the girl asked the guy out to dinner or if they're just going out to dinner as friends, the same rule apparantly applies.
It's kind of strange to me that there should be such a sexist rule in this day and age.
I went out to dinner with a guy not so long ago and he paid for dinner. I was shocked and impressed when he paid because I didn't expect it. I already had my wallet out, ready to pay my half and he told me not to worry and that he had it covered.
I didn't know that maybe he was just paying because of some unspoken guy rule and because he thought it was expected that he do so.
Of course, maybe he wasn't just doing it because he "had" to, maybe he was doing it because he's a gentleman and thought it was a nice thing to do, which it was.
So, what do you all think?
I think maybe the person who initiates the dinner should pay. So, in this situation, it would have been me.
What if two girls go out to dinner, as partners or as friends, who pays then?
Half and half is also another good solution. Paying for your half of the meal just seems fair.
If I go out to dinner with this guy again, something I plan on doing, I wouldn't expect him to pay again, in fact I wouldn't LET him pay again.
Sure, it's a nice gesture but to me, it's not fair that he pay EVERY time we go to dinner, I'd feel cruel letting him pay if I knew he was doing it just because of some unwritten rule, that he thinks it'd be considered rude for him not to.
For me, it's rude if I don't at LEAST offer to pay and more rude if I let him pay fully more than once.
I've always been taught, coming from a poor family, that if I want something, I need to pay for it myself so going halves in the dinner is the least I can do to be polite.
George Costanza from Seinfeld, one of the people I've always liked and admired for his attitude towards everything, said that all he wants is for the girl to "make the grab" for the check.
"GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner,
she doesn't even reach for the check. Thats all Im asking for is a reach.
Is that so much to ask for?"
Even if he ends up paying anyway, he just wants the girl to at least attempt to pay to show she cares.
What's your opinion?
Varelai.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Darkness
Sirius was bright in the sky,
The night the lights went out.
The world was shrouded in darkness,
But Sirius shone on unaware we were dying.
The power that had always ruled our lives was gone,
Leaving us cold and bored.
The music we thought would go on forever was cut off,
An overwhelming silence ensued, so quiet and unfamiliar our ears could not process it.
No Playstation, no computer, no TV, makes me go crazy,
We never learnt to cope without the technology that robbed us of our lives.
Varelai.
The night the lights went out.
The world was shrouded in darkness,
But Sirius shone on unaware we were dying.
The power that had always ruled our lives was gone,
Leaving us cold and bored.
The music we thought would go on forever was cut off,
An overwhelming silence ensued, so quiet and unfamiliar our ears could not process it.
No Playstation, no computer, no TV, makes me go crazy,
We never learnt to cope without the technology that robbed us of our lives.
Varelai.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The missing
Good morning,
I feel like last night I got hit by a truck.
When you don't drink often, it can only take a few drinks to completely make you feel like absolute shit the next morning.
I had two cans of beer and about half of a pint and my head hurts and my muscles are aching.
I'll admit, I feel a little better now I've had a shower and a nice strong coffee but really I'm fucked for the rest of the day.
That'll teach me.
It was important to have a few drinks last night though, as my official farewell with my colleagues.
Goodbye was hard though, it was a hard thing to leave this place with such amazing colleagues.
It was nice to properly have a send off, it was exactly what I wanted, not too much fuss, just some beers and a card from my department.
I didn't want any fuss coz I only lasted three months but also because I don't feel like it's necessary to have a huge collection of money and be given a gift or get the goodbye card signed by EVERYONE in the building, even people I don't know the names of. It doesn't MEAN anything that way.
So it was good but working this morning is pretty shit, whether or not I'll be able to do my job effectively remains to be seen.
But I'm moving home tomorrow so I'm not too fussed about anything really. Better start packing when I get home tonight.
Anyway, main point today is that this article really kinda bothers me.
It's scary to know 75 people are missing in the South Island, Christchurch area and 8000 around New Zealand.
Are they dead? Did they kill themselves? Did someone kill them? Are they alive and on the run from someone or something? Have they changed their name and details and are living a brand new life?
I think the scariest thing about missing people is that there are no answers.
At least when someone is dead, a body can be found but with these missing people, it could mean murderers are going unfound, uncaught, it means families suffer sometimes up to years of grief not knowing what happened to their loved ones.
The thing is, people CANNOT just disappear. The story makes it sound like they've just plain vanished but people don't just vanish.
It's a scary thing because one day, it could be me, it could be someone I know then they might not ever find me.
Then there's the factor of drowning. If someone jumps into the sea and are never seen again but there is no body, how can anyone be sure they are dead?
What if they swum away to start a new life somewhere else?
I guess it's all scary because there's no evidence, it's an unknown thing, people assume you're "probably dead" but no one can be sure.
There are many places in the vast bush that covers New Zealand that no one has thought to search or that are too difficult for anyone to search that mean a person can never be found, even if they decided they wanted to kill themselves, there are places they can go where they will be left alone until one day someone in the future will find a skeleton or whatever.
As for murder, well, don't you think New Zealand is the perfect country for it because of the vast bush, you could bury someone in the bush or just throw their body down a cliff and no one would ever find them.
It's terrifying the possibilities of our little country. I guess though, in the desert in some other countries, you have the same issue, no one is going to search the desert for days and days and days looking for someone, it's far too expansive.
I guess we all just have to pray someone is watching over us and an unknown fate will not be ours.
Varelai.
I feel like last night I got hit by a truck.
When you don't drink often, it can only take a few drinks to completely make you feel like absolute shit the next morning.
I had two cans of beer and about half of a pint and my head hurts and my muscles are aching.
I'll admit, I feel a little better now I've had a shower and a nice strong coffee but really I'm fucked for the rest of the day.
That'll teach me.
It was important to have a few drinks last night though, as my official farewell with my colleagues.
Goodbye was hard though, it was a hard thing to leave this place with such amazing colleagues.
It was nice to properly have a send off, it was exactly what I wanted, not too much fuss, just some beers and a card from my department.
I didn't want any fuss coz I only lasted three months but also because I don't feel like it's necessary to have a huge collection of money and be given a gift or get the goodbye card signed by EVERYONE in the building, even people I don't know the names of. It doesn't MEAN anything that way.
So it was good but working this morning is pretty shit, whether or not I'll be able to do my job effectively remains to be seen.
But I'm moving home tomorrow so I'm not too fussed about anything really. Better start packing when I get home tonight.
Anyway, main point today is that this article really kinda bothers me.
It's scary to know 75 people are missing in the South Island, Christchurch area and 8000 around New Zealand.
Are they dead? Did they kill themselves? Did someone kill them? Are they alive and on the run from someone or something? Have they changed their name and details and are living a brand new life?
I think the scariest thing about missing people is that there are no answers.
At least when someone is dead, a body can be found but with these missing people, it could mean murderers are going unfound, uncaught, it means families suffer sometimes up to years of grief not knowing what happened to their loved ones.
The thing is, people CANNOT just disappear. The story makes it sound like they've just plain vanished but people don't just vanish.
It's a scary thing because one day, it could be me, it could be someone I know then they might not ever find me.
Then there's the factor of drowning. If someone jumps into the sea and are never seen again but there is no body, how can anyone be sure they are dead?
What if they swum away to start a new life somewhere else?
I guess it's all scary because there's no evidence, it's an unknown thing, people assume you're "probably dead" but no one can be sure.
There are many places in the vast bush that covers New Zealand that no one has thought to search or that are too difficult for anyone to search that mean a person can never be found, even if they decided they wanted to kill themselves, there are places they can go where they will be left alone until one day someone in the future will find a skeleton or whatever.
As for murder, well, don't you think New Zealand is the perfect country for it because of the vast bush, you could bury someone in the bush or just throw their body down a cliff and no one would ever find them.
It's terrifying the possibilities of our little country. I guess though, in the desert in some other countries, you have the same issue, no one is going to search the desert for days and days and days looking for someone, it's far too expansive.
I guess we all just have to pray someone is watching over us and an unknown fate will not be ours.
Varelai.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
The pitter patter of little feets
Last night I slept badly. I couldn't get the image of the cute little ball of fluff lying dead on the road out of my head. It's haunting.
Plus my flatmate isn't home at the moment, she's down in Wellington because her boyfriend is having surgery today so she won't be home for a few days so the house is really quiet.
I keep thinking I hear the kitten meowing or running up and down the hallway.
I know it's not possible but it's hard to grasp the fact she's not around anymore.
I turned my radio on and listened to it all night to block out noise and the images.
I can't stand the silence, it's driving me insane.
I need a hug.
Although I'm not keen on work currently, as it is my last week, I would rather be here around people than be alone in the house constantly thinking about things that are driving me mental.
Lack of sleep in this job is a killer, just because it is impossible to write or think fast when your brain is functioning at a rate MUCH slower than usual.
Sure, there are caffiene pills or coffee but nothing beats a good sleep.
I woke up this morning and opened my door, expecting to see the kitten outside my door waiting for attention but nothing.
This whole thing is driving me completely mental.
I walk to my car in the morning and keep expecting to see her on the road still.
It just feels so bad.
Luckily I'm moving out in 5 days so I won't have to think about it.
Maybe I did move out a month too late.
Funny that when my flatmate got the kitten she wouldn't let me touch it so it wasn't sad when I moved out and didn't miss me but she needn't have worried.
Varelai.
Plus my flatmate isn't home at the moment, she's down in Wellington because her boyfriend is having surgery today so she won't be home for a few days so the house is really quiet.
I keep thinking I hear the kitten meowing or running up and down the hallway.
I know it's not possible but it's hard to grasp the fact she's not around anymore.
I turned my radio on and listened to it all night to block out noise and the images.
I can't stand the silence, it's driving me insane.
I need a hug.
Although I'm not keen on work currently, as it is my last week, I would rather be here around people than be alone in the house constantly thinking about things that are driving me mental.
Lack of sleep in this job is a killer, just because it is impossible to write or think fast when your brain is functioning at a rate MUCH slower than usual.
Sure, there are caffiene pills or coffee but nothing beats a good sleep.
I woke up this morning and opened my door, expecting to see the kitten outside my door waiting for attention but nothing.
This whole thing is driving me completely mental.
I walk to my car in the morning and keep expecting to see her on the road still.
It just feels so bad.
Luckily I'm moving out in 5 days so I won't have to think about it.
Maybe I did move out a month too late.
Funny that when my flatmate got the kitten she wouldn't let me touch it so it wasn't sad when I moved out and didn't miss me but she needn't have worried.
Varelai.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Murder
This morning I walked out to my car to go to work and found my flatmate's kitten dead beside the car.
She had obviously been hit by a car during the night that decided she was not important enough to stop.
I ran inside and yelled to my flatmate who was in the shower that her beloved kitten had been hit by a car.
She was kind of flippant about it and made a remark like "aww I'm sorry kitten, I shouldn't have told you to go play in traffic yesterday".
My flatmate was usually pretty annoyed by the kitten who meowed so loudly so often even when she didn't really want food.
It was pretty devastating for me to have to experience the cute little ball of fluff lying cold on the road.
If there were two cars coming in opposite directions on the road, one of them would have run her over again, she wasn't close to the footpath, she was more in the middle of the road.
I wasn't hugely attached to her but as my flatmate picked her up by the scruff of her neck and carried her into the house, I felt sick, shakey and sad.
I can't believe someone would have the nerve to kill an innocent kitten.
It makes me worry about my cat, who I love dearly, more than anything in this world, that one day some asshole is going to drive down my road and take her away from me.
It would break my heart.
Mum said I shouldn't worry coz my cat hates cars and runs away but sometimes she crosses the road and at night, maybe she wouldn't be able to be seen.
Going home tonight is going to feel kind of lonely without her meowing at me constantly and hanging around my legs until I almost kick her, by accident of course.
This is my first experience with the death of an animal in this way, sometimes we've taken them to the vet when they've gotten old and got them put down but I've never had to come out of the house to find my beloved animal lying on the side of the road.
RIP little cat. We had nice cuddles while my flatmate wasn't home and you always purred the loudest.
Varelai.
She had obviously been hit by a car during the night that decided she was not important enough to stop.
I ran inside and yelled to my flatmate who was in the shower that her beloved kitten had been hit by a car.
She was kind of flippant about it and made a remark like "aww I'm sorry kitten, I shouldn't have told you to go play in traffic yesterday".
My flatmate was usually pretty annoyed by the kitten who meowed so loudly so often even when she didn't really want food.
It was pretty devastating for me to have to experience the cute little ball of fluff lying cold on the road.
If there were two cars coming in opposite directions on the road, one of them would have run her over again, she wasn't close to the footpath, she was more in the middle of the road.
I wasn't hugely attached to her but as my flatmate picked her up by the scruff of her neck and carried her into the house, I felt sick, shakey and sad.
I can't believe someone would have the nerve to kill an innocent kitten.
It makes me worry about my cat, who I love dearly, more than anything in this world, that one day some asshole is going to drive down my road and take her away from me.
It would break my heart.
Mum said I shouldn't worry coz my cat hates cars and runs away but sometimes she crosses the road and at night, maybe she wouldn't be able to be seen.
Going home tonight is going to feel kind of lonely without her meowing at me constantly and hanging around my legs until I almost kick her, by accident of course.
This is my first experience with the death of an animal in this way, sometimes we've taken them to the vet when they've gotten old and got them put down but I've never had to come out of the house to find my beloved animal lying on the side of the road.
RIP little cat. We had nice cuddles while my flatmate wasn't home and you always purred the loudest.
Varelai.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Phone love
Maybe not love but I talk to people on the phone all the time.
Sometimes I have never seen them before, sometimes I don't look up their photos on file until much later.
One artist I've been talking to for a while who has such a great personality and is really nice and helpful, has a really WEIRD face.
Seeing her next to her artwork makes me think, wow, you do art that is weird but so pretty and you look like art gone wrong.
It sounds mean but in some ways it's very poetic, she paints because she looks weird.
Although I'm not entirely sure that IS the reason she does it.
Thing is, over the phone you never know what someone looks like so it's less easy to judge them.
I have (regrettably) fallen in like over the internet but that was an example of falling in like with personality.
I didn't realise he looked a bit weird because his accent, American, was sooooooo fucking good to listen to and he said the nicest things, it was easy to like him.
This lady is the same, she's so nice but she has a deformity that must make her life very hard when people meet her and judge her on that.
I don't want to judge her, our photographer took a great picture of her when most people couldn't but she's married.
So her husband may have also fallen in love with her personality or is willing to accept her differences.
I prefer phones for that reason, if I can't judge someone by anything other than their voice and the things they say, they also can't judge me and although I tend to stutter and um a bit over the phone, I don't expect to be judged on that.
Varelai.
Sometimes I have never seen them before, sometimes I don't look up their photos on file until much later.
One artist I've been talking to for a while who has such a great personality and is really nice and helpful, has a really WEIRD face.
Seeing her next to her artwork makes me think, wow, you do art that is weird but so pretty and you look like art gone wrong.
It sounds mean but in some ways it's very poetic, she paints because she looks weird.
Although I'm not entirely sure that IS the reason she does it.
Thing is, over the phone you never know what someone looks like so it's less easy to judge them.
I have (regrettably) fallen in like over the internet but that was an example of falling in like with personality.
I didn't realise he looked a bit weird because his accent, American, was sooooooo fucking good to listen to and he said the nicest things, it was easy to like him.
This lady is the same, she's so nice but she has a deformity that must make her life very hard when people meet her and judge her on that.
I don't want to judge her, our photographer took a great picture of her when most people couldn't but she's married.
So her husband may have also fallen in love with her personality or is willing to accept her differences.
I prefer phones for that reason, if I can't judge someone by anything other than their voice and the things they say, they also can't judge me and although I tend to stutter and um a bit over the phone, I don't expect to be judged on that.
Varelai.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Decisions and the inability to make them
My starsign is Libra. So already, in 4 words, you know I can't make decisions.
So when last week, my flatmate told me she had found someone else and our joyous three month marriage of obsessive cleaning, great food and dead animals was coming to an end, I felt sad but I felt calm.
The inability to make decisions means I would have, in all likelihood, stayed in this job for the rest of my human life.
Because why not? I hate it but I can't make a decision as huge as resigning and moving home.
So my flatmate, being the lovely girl she is, decided for me. When she found out I was job hunting, she asked around and found someone who was flat hunting.
If you live in Wellington, it is easy to find a flat or a flatmate but here, people don't really come here all that often coz there IS nothing here so the likelihood of finding a flatmate is pretty slim.
So my flatmate is lucky to have found a replacement, just as she was lucky to have found me.
But it meant "kicking me out" in not so many words. The thing is, I'm not pissed off she found someone else because although I said I was job hunting, the reality is, my inability to make decisions means I never would have left unless I got a job, which is honestly, not fucking likely.
So by not having a house and not REALLY wanting to stay in this town, I had to go home, job or not. So like You Me At Six sang, "I'll be home in a day, I fear that's a month too late." Except I'll be home in 10 days and counting but in some ways it still is a month too late for my soul to ever recover from this experience.
My job is fun and all but the loneliness and stress kicked my ass some days.
I'm starting a course in October going through till February then through to university in March and staying there for 3 years.
So I no longer have to think about finding employment for 3 years, it's great because I'm not ready to be employed.
I don't know what I want to do with my life so how can I possibly be employed? It's not worth it right now.
Every day I have to make decisions though, littler than staying or going but things such as what to have for lunch, which car to drive at work, which stories to gather, they're all important parts of my day to day life.
Difficult difficult parts of my life.
Varelai.
So when last week, my flatmate told me she had found someone else and our joyous three month marriage of obsessive cleaning, great food and dead animals was coming to an end, I felt sad but I felt calm.
The inability to make decisions means I would have, in all likelihood, stayed in this job for the rest of my human life.
Because why not? I hate it but I can't make a decision as huge as resigning and moving home.
So my flatmate, being the lovely girl she is, decided for me. When she found out I was job hunting, she asked around and found someone who was flat hunting.
If you live in Wellington, it is easy to find a flat or a flatmate but here, people don't really come here all that often coz there IS nothing here so the likelihood of finding a flatmate is pretty slim.
So my flatmate is lucky to have found a replacement, just as she was lucky to have found me.
But it meant "kicking me out" in not so many words. The thing is, I'm not pissed off she found someone else because although I said I was job hunting, the reality is, my inability to make decisions means I never would have left unless I got a job, which is honestly, not fucking likely.
So by not having a house and not REALLY wanting to stay in this town, I had to go home, job or not. So like You Me At Six sang, "I'll be home in a day, I fear that's a month too late." Except I'll be home in 10 days and counting but in some ways it still is a month too late for my soul to ever recover from this experience.
My job is fun and all but the loneliness and stress kicked my ass some days.
I'm starting a course in October going through till February then through to university in March and staying there for 3 years.
So I no longer have to think about finding employment for 3 years, it's great because I'm not ready to be employed.
I don't know what I want to do with my life so how can I possibly be employed? It's not worth it right now.
Every day I have to make decisions though, littler than staying or going but things such as what to have for lunch, which car to drive at work, which stories to gather, they're all important parts of my day to day life.
Difficult difficult parts of my life.
Varelai.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Change and the inability to do it
I go to Subway for lunch most days, not exactly because I enjoy it but because it's cheap and relatively healthy and sometimes I do enjoy it, in fact I crave it.
The problem is, I always have the same thing.
Some days I may have a veggie pattie, other days just veggies, even then, they're always the same veggies, always the same sauces, always the same cheese, almost always the same bread.
Sometimes I consider getting different cheese or different sauces but it won't be the same.
I've tried another type of cheese once before, I had to mentally force myself to change cheeses and when I did, the sandwich was average tasting.
Of course, if I was a meat eater I'd have more options to choose from and maybe I would be able to make a change but really, when I was a meat eater, I still had the same thing I do now except with a chicken fillet.
Never any other kind of meat, just the chicken fillet.
I remember the first time I had Subway I had ham. I guess that kind of proves everything, I've never changed, I always played it safe.
Why ham? Because that's what mum used to put in my sandwiches. Fuck knows I probably only had mayonaise in the sandwich too coz any other sauces would have been too far away from my usual.
I don't remember when I got more creative having 3 sauces and having chicken but those three sauces haven't changed since.
The type of cheese has always been the same, and now I'm addicted to doubling my cheese, it's kind of a meat replacement thing.
In Wellington Subway's often they forget to charge you for double cheese coz it gets lost somewhere in the line of people making your sandwich but not where I am now. They ALWAYS charge me for it. It's an extra dollar to have cheese on a footlong.
One time I had a Subway melt. This is an idea someone I know who works at Subway suggested to me.
Cheese, three different kinds, toasted with ranch or italian sauces.
It's bloody good. But I've only ordered it once coz the Subway people look at you weird when they say "what do you want on that?" and you say "cheese, all three kinds", "what salads would you like?" "none, just cheese."
I don't usually like my cheese all melty so I don't usually get my sub toasted, usually fresh but the melt is something that NEEDS toasting, you need to taste the drippy cheese.
Great stuff.
I dunno, am I obsessive? Why can't I handle change? Will I ever change my sauces?
Who knows.
Oh, by the way, I'm resigning on Friday.
Varelai.
The problem is, I always have the same thing.
Some days I may have a veggie pattie, other days just veggies, even then, they're always the same veggies, always the same sauces, always the same cheese, almost always the same bread.
Sometimes I consider getting different cheese or different sauces but it won't be the same.
I've tried another type of cheese once before, I had to mentally force myself to change cheeses and when I did, the sandwich was average tasting.
Of course, if I was a meat eater I'd have more options to choose from and maybe I would be able to make a change but really, when I was a meat eater, I still had the same thing I do now except with a chicken fillet.
Never any other kind of meat, just the chicken fillet.
I remember the first time I had Subway I had ham. I guess that kind of proves everything, I've never changed, I always played it safe.
Why ham? Because that's what mum used to put in my sandwiches. Fuck knows I probably only had mayonaise in the sandwich too coz any other sauces would have been too far away from my usual.
I don't remember when I got more creative having 3 sauces and having chicken but those three sauces haven't changed since.
The type of cheese has always been the same, and now I'm addicted to doubling my cheese, it's kind of a meat replacement thing.
In Wellington Subway's often they forget to charge you for double cheese coz it gets lost somewhere in the line of people making your sandwich but not where I am now. They ALWAYS charge me for it. It's an extra dollar to have cheese on a footlong.
One time I had a Subway melt. This is an idea someone I know who works at Subway suggested to me.
Cheese, three different kinds, toasted with ranch or italian sauces.
It's bloody good. But I've only ordered it once coz the Subway people look at you weird when they say "what do you want on that?" and you say "cheese, all three kinds", "what salads would you like?" "none, just cheese."
I don't usually like my cheese all melty so I don't usually get my sub toasted, usually fresh but the melt is something that NEEDS toasting, you need to taste the drippy cheese.
Great stuff.
I dunno, am I obsessive? Why can't I handle change? Will I ever change my sauces?
Who knows.
Oh, by the way, I'm resigning on Friday.
Varelai.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Death and marriage
A colleague was just talking about how someone she knew had died and the dead woman was only a few years older than her.
Death is a funny thing, after experiencing it first with my aunty, then my granddad then my nana, I've come to be complacent about it.
Old people die and funerals are there to celebrate their lives.
Of course, it's different when someone my age dies, it's confusing and terribly sad, it hurts at the very core of myself.
The thing is, it must be scary as someone in their 40's-80's when your friends start dying.
For me, death is a far away thing, it happens to old people but not to my friends and not to me quite yet.
Right now, the scary thing is who will be the first of my friends to get married? Who will be the first to have a baby?
Those are the scariest things I have to deal with at my age, worrying, why are they getting married at 18 and I haven't even found a partner?
But as you get older and you and your friends are all married with children, death is the next concern.
Who's health is deterriorating? Who will die first? Who will die next?
It must be scary when your first friend dies.
I'm at a point where friends are everything to me, especially alone in a small town, they remind me that life is okay so the thought of them dying is terrifying and so so sad, it is that feeling where your heart just hurts because you never ever want it to happen.
I wouldn't know how to deal with it.
I said to a friend recently that if she died I would quit my job and cry for days and she, being very practical said if I did that, she would come back and haunt me.
I feel like I couldn't survive if she, or any of my other friends died because it's incomprehensible to me at this stage.
Old people die but not young people.
Right now, my biggest concern is marriage, who's gonna get married?
I spoke to a colleague once about her friend's beginning to get married, she's 21 and her friends, at her age were just beginning to start getting married and beginning to have children.
She felt scared about it, sure, they're growing up but she said it wouldn't make her get married any sooner, also fair enough.
I hope the death of a friend is something that is a long way off for me, particularly of natural causes. Of course suicide could happen at any time but I always hope none of my friends would be selfish enough to do that to me or their families.
The stages of life are so interesting, the things you worry about at different ages.
I'm concerned that if I'm working now, I'll never be able to stop working so I'll never study more, never travel and never have kids. Just work.
But at a different stage in my life, those concerns will be entirely irrelevant.
Who knows.
Varelai.
Death is a funny thing, after experiencing it first with my aunty, then my granddad then my nana, I've come to be complacent about it.
Old people die and funerals are there to celebrate their lives.
Of course, it's different when someone my age dies, it's confusing and terribly sad, it hurts at the very core of myself.
The thing is, it must be scary as someone in their 40's-80's when your friends start dying.
For me, death is a far away thing, it happens to old people but not to my friends and not to me quite yet.
Right now, the scary thing is who will be the first of my friends to get married? Who will be the first to have a baby?
Those are the scariest things I have to deal with at my age, worrying, why are they getting married at 18 and I haven't even found a partner?
But as you get older and you and your friends are all married with children, death is the next concern.
Who's health is deterriorating? Who will die first? Who will die next?
It must be scary when your first friend dies.
I'm at a point where friends are everything to me, especially alone in a small town, they remind me that life is okay so the thought of them dying is terrifying and so so sad, it is that feeling where your heart just hurts because you never ever want it to happen.
I wouldn't know how to deal with it.
I said to a friend recently that if she died I would quit my job and cry for days and she, being very practical said if I did that, she would come back and haunt me.
I feel like I couldn't survive if she, or any of my other friends died because it's incomprehensible to me at this stage.
Old people die but not young people.
Right now, my biggest concern is marriage, who's gonna get married?
I spoke to a colleague once about her friend's beginning to get married, she's 21 and her friends, at her age were just beginning to start getting married and beginning to have children.
She felt scared about it, sure, they're growing up but she said it wouldn't make her get married any sooner, also fair enough.
I hope the death of a friend is something that is a long way off for me, particularly of natural causes. Of course suicide could happen at any time but I always hope none of my friends would be selfish enough to do that to me or their families.
The stages of life are so interesting, the things you worry about at different ages.
I'm concerned that if I'm working now, I'll never be able to stop working so I'll never study more, never travel and never have kids. Just work.
But at a different stage in my life, those concerns will be entirely irrelevant.
Who knows.
Varelai.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Parents
I was talking to someone last night and he told me his mum often looks over his essays at uni coz she has "written a fair few essays in her time".
It made me think, my parents probably have never written ONE essay between them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my dad for all he's done as a property developer, building the first and only load bearing straw bale house in the Wairarapa, even if some of his ventures did leave him bankrupt.
And my mum, I love her to death and I always will and she's had years of experience in a variety of different jobs but neither of them are academically intelligent.
If I went to either of them and asked them to read an essay I'd written, neither of them would know what to do with it.
I felt somewhat jealous of this person because his parents are clearly intelligent people who are university educated, hence why he himself is so intelligent.
Would I have been any smarter if my parents had been university educated as opposed to highschool dropouts?
Would my mind work faster?
Like I said, I do love my parents for their achievements but I can't help but wonder if they could have made me better by bettering themselves.
I know a lot about building and stuff because I asked a lot of questions of dad and he was willing to teach me what he knew.
But if I had parents who had gone to university, maybe asking questions of them would have been more fruitful for me in my future professions.
Mind you, I have heard from someone else who has highly academic parents that sometimes he feels dumb compared to them.
And he is anything but dumb, he's one of the most intelligent people I know but because his parents were always smarter, they had the ability to put him down and make him feel stupid.
They would patronise him about the things they knew that he didn't etc.
Maybe I'm lucky to have the parents I have and I do love both of them a lot.
Varelai.
It made me think, my parents probably have never written ONE essay between them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my dad for all he's done as a property developer, building the first and only load bearing straw bale house in the Wairarapa, even if some of his ventures did leave him bankrupt.
And my mum, I love her to death and I always will and she's had years of experience in a variety of different jobs but neither of them are academically intelligent.
If I went to either of them and asked them to read an essay I'd written, neither of them would know what to do with it.
I felt somewhat jealous of this person because his parents are clearly intelligent people who are university educated, hence why he himself is so intelligent.
Would I have been any smarter if my parents had been university educated as opposed to highschool dropouts?
Would my mind work faster?
Like I said, I do love my parents for their achievements but I can't help but wonder if they could have made me better by bettering themselves.
I know a lot about building and stuff because I asked a lot of questions of dad and he was willing to teach me what he knew.
But if I had parents who had gone to university, maybe asking questions of them would have been more fruitful for me in my future professions.
Mind you, I have heard from someone else who has highly academic parents that sometimes he feels dumb compared to them.
And he is anything but dumb, he's one of the most intelligent people I know but because his parents were always smarter, they had the ability to put him down and make him feel stupid.
They would patronise him about the things they knew that he didn't etc.
Maybe I'm lucky to have the parents I have and I do love both of them a lot.
Varelai.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Costanza
I'm going to the doctor today.
I have self diagnosed, of course.
The only time I go to the doctor is when my physical pain hurts more than the price the doctor charges hurts my wallet.
This is one of those times, I am itchy, so itchy I can't stand it anymore so going to the doctor is the only way.
I know it will hurt my wallet, it always does, which is why going to the doctor is not an every day thing.
Usually I save up my hurts and itches and whatever else so that when I go to the doctor, I get my moneys worth by seeing them about more than one thing at once.
My list is currently at two things but one, the reason I'm willing to spend money at the doctor is annoying/hurting me more than the other so it is definitely time to go.
On a less gruesome note, I am putting the Costanza back into my life.
For a long time, I could strongly relate to George Costanza from Seinfeld.
Lately, my life has been lacking the goodness of life lessons of Costanza.
So now, I'm working on doing the opposite of everything I've ever done.
So for example, when my flatmate brings around a hot boy, instead of hiding in my room, maybe I'll leave my room and speak to him.
Maybe I will not say embarrassing things or wring my hands in nervousness but maybe I will bring my confidence and talk to him like he's just another person.
It worked for Costanza so it should work for me.
Also, it's about not using the word "but", it's about being positive and putting my life in perspective.
Yesterday's blog was about perspective.
You think your life is bad?
At least you're still alive. That was the point I was trying to make.
P E R S P E C T I V E.
Gonna have my itchies fixed in an hour =)
Varelai.
I have self diagnosed, of course.
The only time I go to the doctor is when my physical pain hurts more than the price the doctor charges hurts my wallet.
This is one of those times, I am itchy, so itchy I can't stand it anymore so going to the doctor is the only way.
I know it will hurt my wallet, it always does, which is why going to the doctor is not an every day thing.
Usually I save up my hurts and itches and whatever else so that when I go to the doctor, I get my moneys worth by seeing them about more than one thing at once.
My list is currently at two things but one, the reason I'm willing to spend money at the doctor is annoying/hurting me more than the other so it is definitely time to go.
On a less gruesome note, I am putting the Costanza back into my life.
For a long time, I could strongly relate to George Costanza from Seinfeld.
Lately, my life has been lacking the goodness of life lessons of Costanza.
So now, I'm working on doing the opposite of everything I've ever done.
So for example, when my flatmate brings around a hot boy, instead of hiding in my room, maybe I'll leave my room and speak to him.
Maybe I will not say embarrassing things or wring my hands in nervousness but maybe I will bring my confidence and talk to him like he's just another person.
It worked for Costanza so it should work for me.
Also, it's about not using the word "but", it's about being positive and putting my life in perspective.
Yesterday's blog was about perspective.
You think your life is bad?
At least you're still alive. That was the point I was trying to make.
P E R S P E C T I V E.
Gonna have my itchies fixed in an hour =)
Varelai.
Monday, June 21, 2010
You know what they do to guys like us in prison
I went to school with two girls who were murdered by their stepdad in Masterton in 2001.
Every day I thank God that Bruce Howse is rotting in jail where he belongs.
Olympia Jetson and Saliel Aplin were only 11 and 12 when Howse felt the need to end their lives in the family sleepout, one warm December night.
Last night I was looking at a Facebook page for my old school and there was a picture of Olympia singing in the choir.
It broke my heart because on the Facebook page, there are many other people from the school who have joined and they're all grown up.
It's amazing to see these kids I knew when we were 10-11 are DOING something with their lives now.
Not Olympia, she never had a chance.
She's not going to university or working at the local paper or doing a course or having children, she will never do these things.
The strangest thing was, we all heard when she died that she had written "my dad is going to kill me" in the back of one of her notebooks before it happened.
I feel so sad for her. Someone commented on the photo "is that Olympia?" and someone else replied "yea, it is..."
Everyone in Masterton knows what happened, particularly if they went to that school, we had a memorial service for her.
The ... after that comment says enough. They didn't have to discuss her death, they just knew.
When I saw the picture, I didn't have to read the comments to know it was her. I saw her face and my heart sank.
She doesn't have a future.
Howse will be in eligible for parole in 2026, I hope he dies in prison, but I know, even if he does, that's not going to bring back the girls. Howse rotting in prison, doesn't change the fact the girls, who would now be 19 and 20 are not here.
It's barely enough punishment but in fact, the Judge was quite proud just how much time he got.
I hope they do nasty things to him in prison, he doesn't deserve more than that.
Varelai.
Every day I thank God that Bruce Howse is rotting in jail where he belongs.
Olympia Jetson and Saliel Aplin were only 11 and 12 when Howse felt the need to end their lives in the family sleepout, one warm December night.
Last night I was looking at a Facebook page for my old school and there was a picture of Olympia singing in the choir.
It broke my heart because on the Facebook page, there are many other people from the school who have joined and they're all grown up.
It's amazing to see these kids I knew when we were 10-11 are DOING something with their lives now.
Not Olympia, she never had a chance.
She's not going to university or working at the local paper or doing a course or having children, she will never do these things.
The strangest thing was, we all heard when she died that she had written "my dad is going to kill me" in the back of one of her notebooks before it happened.
I feel so sad for her. Someone commented on the photo "is that Olympia?" and someone else replied "yea, it is..."
Everyone in Masterton knows what happened, particularly if they went to that school, we had a memorial service for her.
The ... after that comment says enough. They didn't have to discuss her death, they just knew.
When I saw the picture, I didn't have to read the comments to know it was her. I saw her face and my heart sank.
She doesn't have a future.
Howse will be in eligible for parole in 2026, I hope he dies in prison, but I know, even if he does, that's not going to bring back the girls. Howse rotting in prison, doesn't change the fact the girls, who would now be 19 and 20 are not here.
It's barely enough punishment but in fact, the Judge was quite proud just how much time he got.
I hope they do nasty things to him in prison, he doesn't deserve more than that.
Varelai.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
They'll never let it go
Whenever transexual former MP Georgina Beyer is mentioned in the newspaper, it is always that.
"transexual MP" and recently my colleague wrote "sex change politician".
I don't get why people won't let the fact that she had a sex change go.
Why does it need to be mentioned in every single piece of news?
It's no longer important.
The sex change happened, she was a man and now she's not and that's the end.
Why can't she be known for something more than her past?
I don't think it's fair on Georgie girl to always have that brought up.
Also, I'm not sure if it's irony but it was pretty bloody annoying that after meeting a fire fighter yesterday, last night our smoke alarms went off TWICE in the middle of the night.
Considering the firefighter talked about smoke alarms as well as talking about getting paged at 12:30am and the way it messes up a person's body clock.
Yea... I know now, thank you universe.
It wasn't that the batteries needed changing coz they're fine so I'm not sure what the problem was. There was no smoke and no fire. Just a bloody annoying wake up call.
The only time I will forgive smoke alarms going off is when there IS A FIRE.
Waking me up for nothing makes me tired and frustrated.
Varelai.
"transexual MP" and recently my colleague wrote "sex change politician".
I don't get why people won't let the fact that she had a sex change go.
Why does it need to be mentioned in every single piece of news?
It's no longer important.
The sex change happened, she was a man and now she's not and that's the end.
Why can't she be known for something more than her past?
I don't think it's fair on Georgie girl to always have that brought up.
Also, I'm not sure if it's irony but it was pretty bloody annoying that after meeting a fire fighter yesterday, last night our smoke alarms went off TWICE in the middle of the night.
Considering the firefighter talked about smoke alarms as well as talking about getting paged at 12:30am and the way it messes up a person's body clock.
Yea... I know now, thank you universe.
It wasn't that the batteries needed changing coz they're fine so I'm not sure what the problem was. There was no smoke and no fire. Just a bloody annoying wake up call.
The only time I will forgive smoke alarms going off is when there IS A FIRE.
Waking me up for nothing makes me tired and frustrated.
Varelai.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The days when I love my job
Today I got to ride in a fire engine.
It was fun, I was happy.
The chief fire officer was very nice.
Also, I got an email that said a person enjoyed what I had written about them and that I had "passion and respect".
I appreciate getting thanked for doing my job.
I just remembered it is pay day tomorrow THANK GOODNESS.
We get paid every fortnight so it is often like living in the poor house in the second week.
Like sure I get paid for my job but the thank you's are the reason I do it.
Sure, this morning I had to run a correction because I fucked up a single word - helicopter instead of plane, but then the day got better and better.
Also, I got a new car today. He's not super new, he's a 1993 Toyota Corona.
But he's new in the fact the Beast, my previous car was built in 1989.
I need to name the new car, naming is always the hard part. He's a blue green colour.
The last car was called Gerard because it was silver, like Gerard's hair when he was publicising the Black Parade.
This car doesn't really give me any cues as to what it should be called but maybe after a bit of a drive, we'll figure it out based on characteristics or something.
I wish I could say I miss the beast but I don't.
It's only been a few hours and I've only driven the new car around the block once in that time but I was in constant fear the beast would do something antisocial like break down or overheat.
Maybe the new car will end up like that too, I don't know.
Good news for anyone who cares, the person I wrote the poem about recently is willing to forgive me and we are currently trying to break the communication barrier by talking on the phone once a week and seeing each other whenever I come home, which is usually every 2 weeks.
She means a lot to me. Over the time we'd been friends we had built something really strong and losing that really hurt me.
I would assume she didn't read my poem but I am hugely thankful to her for being willing to try to repair this.
It is hard to maintain friendships living in another place but having a new car means I may be able to go home more easily.
I hope to get home for good as soon as possible, there is a place I can work closer to home but they do not have a position avaliable currently but the guy I could replace is due to move on, he's high quality, good at his job and deserves to be somewhere better.
Varelai.
It was fun, I was happy.
The chief fire officer was very nice.
Also, I got an email that said a person enjoyed what I had written about them and that I had "passion and respect".
I appreciate getting thanked for doing my job.
I just remembered it is pay day tomorrow THANK GOODNESS.
We get paid every fortnight so it is often like living in the poor house in the second week.
Like sure I get paid for my job but the thank you's are the reason I do it.
Sure, this morning I had to run a correction because I fucked up a single word - helicopter instead of plane, but then the day got better and better.
Also, I got a new car today. He's not super new, he's a 1993 Toyota Corona.
But he's new in the fact the Beast, my previous car was built in 1989.
I need to name the new car, naming is always the hard part. He's a blue green colour.
The last car was called Gerard because it was silver, like Gerard's hair when he was publicising the Black Parade.
This car doesn't really give me any cues as to what it should be called but maybe after a bit of a drive, we'll figure it out based on characteristics or something.
I wish I could say I miss the beast but I don't.
It's only been a few hours and I've only driven the new car around the block once in that time but I was in constant fear the beast would do something antisocial like break down or overheat.
Maybe the new car will end up like that too, I don't know.
Good news for anyone who cares, the person I wrote the poem about recently is willing to forgive me and we are currently trying to break the communication barrier by talking on the phone once a week and seeing each other whenever I come home, which is usually every 2 weeks.
She means a lot to me. Over the time we'd been friends we had built something really strong and losing that really hurt me.
I would assume she didn't read my poem but I am hugely thankful to her for being willing to try to repair this.
It is hard to maintain friendships living in another place but having a new car means I may be able to go home more easily.
I hope to get home for good as soon as possible, there is a place I can work closer to home but they do not have a position avaliable currently but the guy I could replace is due to move on, he's high quality, good at his job and deserves to be somewhere better.
Varelai.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Death and confusion
Death always confuses me.
One of the guys at a place I worked for for a few weeks recently lost his daughter. She had some sort of condition and died in her sleep.
Today I found out a girl I used to speak to, lost what I'm pretty sure was her best friend.
On Monday and Tuesday he posted status updates to his Facebook page and on Wednesday he dies.
I'm not yet sure how this boy died but he must have been my age so it's a weird death.
Maybe it was suicide? I'm not sure but it confuses me how someone can be alive one day and dead the next.
A son, a friend, a daughter, a brother, a sister, a cousin, dead.
It makes my stomach feel funny. This guy, he was someone this girl talked about ALL the time. I'm not sure if they ever dated, I don't remember, they may have but his name always came up.
And now his Facebook page is filled with RIP's.
It's hard for my brain to process.
It could be me, it could be my friends. It could happen to anyone at any time and it doesn't have to be cancer where you expect a person to die sooner than anyone else (see my first few blogs about my experience with cancer and dying), it's like just waking up dead.
It's scary that you could be walking down the street and drop dead at any moment or you could be sleeping and pass away.
Is there method to the madness? Is there a list that people are on and when their time is up, that's it?
Who decides who lives and who dies?
Is it random?
You can spend your whole life worrying about your health, exercising, eating healthy, not drinking or smoking, being vegetarian, whatever and you may still just die, through no fault of anyone.
No one hit you with their car, you didn't have a heart attack, you didn't die of cancer, you didn't die of old age, you didn't die of any form of overdose, you just DIED.
Even when a celebrity dies, like Brittany Murphy, particularly if like Brittany they die much before their time, my heart stops for a second, my stomach clenches, my breath hitches. I don't know what to do or say because what can you do or say?
They're gone. But WHY?!
It's the confusion that gets me.
Like Heath Ledger, he was at the height of his career, why, when he overdosed, couldn't they revive him?
Some people get second chances, they get revived.
Ozzy Osbourne died twice when his motorbike fell on top of him and they brought him back to life.
Why didn't Heath get that chance, or Brittany?
What's even more shocking is Brittany's husband dying not even a year later. Of what? A broken heart. Not even any proper cause, just that he LITERALLY could not live without her.
Then there's the afterlife but that's another day. Today is just about confusion. I don't know why young people die, it's unfathomable to me.
And the worst thing is, no one who reads this can help me, no one will ever be able to answer my question and people will keep dying.
As I get older it'll happen even more and to people I know rather than people I only know of.
In the movie Big Fish, a man lives for a very long time. He's not immortal, I don't think but he just has long life.
The question he faces is, is it a gift or is it a curse? He gets to see things happen, but the curse is that before he dies, he must watch every single person he loves die before him.
The dead are lucky, they are at peace, there is no death where they are, they never have to experience another lost loved one but we, we suffer for them, the living are the cursed.
Think about it and if you have any ideas or want to share your thoughts, please do.
Varelai.
One of the guys at a place I worked for for a few weeks recently lost his daughter. She had some sort of condition and died in her sleep.
Today I found out a girl I used to speak to, lost what I'm pretty sure was her best friend.
On Monday and Tuesday he posted status updates to his Facebook page and on Wednesday he dies.
I'm not yet sure how this boy died but he must have been my age so it's a weird death.
Maybe it was suicide? I'm not sure but it confuses me how someone can be alive one day and dead the next.
A son, a friend, a daughter, a brother, a sister, a cousin, dead.
It makes my stomach feel funny. This guy, he was someone this girl talked about ALL the time. I'm not sure if they ever dated, I don't remember, they may have but his name always came up.
And now his Facebook page is filled with RIP's.
It's hard for my brain to process.
It could be me, it could be my friends. It could happen to anyone at any time and it doesn't have to be cancer where you expect a person to die sooner than anyone else (see my first few blogs about my experience with cancer and dying), it's like just waking up dead.
It's scary that you could be walking down the street and drop dead at any moment or you could be sleeping and pass away.
Is there method to the madness? Is there a list that people are on and when their time is up, that's it?
Who decides who lives and who dies?
Is it random?
You can spend your whole life worrying about your health, exercising, eating healthy, not drinking or smoking, being vegetarian, whatever and you may still just die, through no fault of anyone.
No one hit you with their car, you didn't have a heart attack, you didn't die of cancer, you didn't die of old age, you didn't die of any form of overdose, you just DIED.
Even when a celebrity dies, like Brittany Murphy, particularly if like Brittany they die much before their time, my heart stops for a second, my stomach clenches, my breath hitches. I don't know what to do or say because what can you do or say?
They're gone. But WHY?!
It's the confusion that gets me.
Like Heath Ledger, he was at the height of his career, why, when he overdosed, couldn't they revive him?
Some people get second chances, they get revived.
Ozzy Osbourne died twice when his motorbike fell on top of him and they brought him back to life.
Why didn't Heath get that chance, or Brittany?
What's even more shocking is Brittany's husband dying not even a year later. Of what? A broken heart. Not even any proper cause, just that he LITERALLY could not live without her.
Then there's the afterlife but that's another day. Today is just about confusion. I don't know why young people die, it's unfathomable to me.
And the worst thing is, no one who reads this can help me, no one will ever be able to answer my question and people will keep dying.
As I get older it'll happen even more and to people I know rather than people I only know of.
In the movie Big Fish, a man lives for a very long time. He's not immortal, I don't think but he just has long life.
The question he faces is, is it a gift or is it a curse? He gets to see things happen, but the curse is that before he dies, he must watch every single person he loves die before him.
The dead are lucky, they are at peace, there is no death where they are, they never have to experience another lost loved one but we, we suffer for them, the living are the cursed.
Think about it and if you have any ideas or want to share your thoughts, please do.
Varelai.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Bastardisation
My mum is from a place in Taranaki called Hawera, worse, she is from a town in Hawera called Manaia.
At work I sit next to a reporter who is originally from Taranaki and I was thinking I should ask him how he pronounces the name Hawera.
To make sure I was correct, I Googled 'Hawera pronounciation' and it came up with some very interesting facts.
See, I have listened to mum bastardise the name of her town for years and years by pronouncing it "Ha-ra".
In my job, I believe it is important to correctly pronounce Maori place names so I have always called the place "Ha-wa-da" with R's in Maori often being pronounced as D's.
My colleague also pronounces it correctly.
On Wapedia, Wikipedia for mobile phones, it says:
So while people from Hawera say "Ha-ra", because of anglicisation which, "is a process of conversion of verbal or written elements of any other language into a more comprehensible English form for an English speaker, or to become English in form or character", outsiders who don't know there has been anglicisation, will pronounce the name correctly.
This is the truth because every person I've met from Hawera says "Ha-ra" for whatever reason.
Interesting.
Varelai.
At work I sit next to a reporter who is originally from Taranaki and I was thinking I should ask him how he pronounces the name Hawera.
To make sure I was correct, I Googled 'Hawera pronounciation' and it came up with some very interesting facts.
See, I have listened to mum bastardise the name of her town for years and years by pronouncing it "Ha-ra".
In my job, I believe it is important to correctly pronounce Maori place names so I have always called the place "Ha-wa-da" with R's in Maori often being pronounced as D's.
My colleague also pronounces it correctly.
On Wapedia, Wikipedia for mobile phones, it says:
"The pronunciation of many Māori place names was anglicised for most of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries, but since the 1980s, increased consciousness of the Māori language has led to a shift towards using a Māori pronunciation. The anglicisations have persisted most among residents of the towns in question, so it has become something of a shibboleth, with correct Māori pronunciation marking someone as non-local."
"A shibboleth is any distinguishing practice which is indicative of one's social or regional origin. It usually refers to features of language, and particularly to a word whose pronunciation identifies its speaker as being a member or not a member of a particular group."
So while people from Hawera say "Ha-ra", because of anglicisation which, "is a process of conversion of verbal or written elements of any other language into a more comprehensible English form for an English speaker, or to become English in form or character", outsiders who don't know there has been anglicisation, will pronounce the name correctly.
This is the truth because every person I've met from Hawera says "Ha-ra" for whatever reason.
Interesting.
Varelai.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The pain reminds us that we're still alive
Hello June, you kinda snuck up on us there.
I guess since we'll be spending the next 30 days together, we should get used to each other.
But please please make this horrible weather go away, we need some December weather, STAT.
So we're half way through the year before we even had a chance to blink.
Amazing.
I've been working now for a month, it's been hard, easy, interesting, boring, depressing, tiring and sometimes a bit of fun.
I'm in quite a lot of pain lately, my neck, shoulders and upper back are killing me with my arms and legs beginning to also take on some of the pain.
Soon I will be in complete pain when my body decides it wants to torture me.
Also, I burnt my tongue on coffee at a nice cafe but still, too hot coffee.
So my tongue also hurts.
It could be from sleeping in an inferior quality bed or it could be from lugging 4 bottles of 4L of water from mum's house to mine. I only had to carry them from the railway station onto the train then off the train at another railway station and to the car then out of the car to the house.
It wasn't that much lugging but I guess it has pained my muscles, even two days later.
I did go to Mum's for the weekend, it was beneficial for me to do so, I miss my house and my cat etc so it was great to see them again.
Recently I've worked out that I spend so much time convincing myself I'm straight and then my brain says "sorry Varelai, fuck you, you like girls" and gives me sexy dreams of a Facebook friend I've met once.
She's a good looking girl for sure and she's gay so maybe having sexy dreams about her is less bad.
But still, it was inappropriate and I do not appreciate my brain giving me these sorts of thoughts.
In the small town I live in currently, it's easier to be straight. It's a small town and in small towns, you will often be stoned or burned at the stake if you are gay, I'm only half joking.
For a while now, I haven't really known what my sexuality is, up here I've been quite boy crazy and am willing to marry a dude and all that stuff but suddenly my brain thinks I need a wake up call and decides to confuse me a little by thrusting a good looking girl in front of me.
I'm still going to feign straight in this town, no one knows my sexuality, no one has asked and I laugh when they joke about "faggotry" so maybe now my hair is longer, they will never know I used to practise faggotry and still sometimes think about the possibility of practising it again.
As you may have read previously, I have written a poem about a girl, she was never my girlfriend but she was a girl who at that time, struck me as beautiful.
I've also written about a guy I'm extremely attracted to and have been for some time.
I like people, I don't like genders. I'm going to fall in love with a person, girl or guy, I don't care what their sexual organs are, I just care that I love them and they love me.
I don't want to cut off my options of love by saying something like "I will never date another girl" coz that is simply not true and will halve my chances of finding love.
I am too young to decide completely on the gender of the person I want to date, especially until I have experienced a proper relationship with both genders.
I just don't want my brain to remind me about how confused I am with this whole issue.
Varelai.
I guess since we'll be spending the next 30 days together, we should get used to each other.
But please please make this horrible weather go away, we need some December weather, STAT.
So we're half way through the year before we even had a chance to blink.
Amazing.
I've been working now for a month, it's been hard, easy, interesting, boring, depressing, tiring and sometimes a bit of fun.
I'm in quite a lot of pain lately, my neck, shoulders and upper back are killing me with my arms and legs beginning to also take on some of the pain.
Soon I will be in complete pain when my body decides it wants to torture me.
Also, I burnt my tongue on coffee at a nice cafe but still, too hot coffee.
So my tongue also hurts.
It could be from sleeping in an inferior quality bed or it could be from lugging 4 bottles of 4L of water from mum's house to mine. I only had to carry them from the railway station onto the train then off the train at another railway station and to the car then out of the car to the house.
It wasn't that much lugging but I guess it has pained my muscles, even two days later.
I did go to Mum's for the weekend, it was beneficial for me to do so, I miss my house and my cat etc so it was great to see them again.
Recently I've worked out that I spend so much time convincing myself I'm straight and then my brain says "sorry Varelai, fuck you, you like girls" and gives me sexy dreams of a Facebook friend I've met once.
She's a good looking girl for sure and she's gay so maybe having sexy dreams about her is less bad.
But still, it was inappropriate and I do not appreciate my brain giving me these sorts of thoughts.
In the small town I live in currently, it's easier to be straight. It's a small town and in small towns, you will often be stoned or burned at the stake if you are gay, I'm only half joking.
For a while now, I haven't really known what my sexuality is, up here I've been quite boy crazy and am willing to marry a dude and all that stuff but suddenly my brain thinks I need a wake up call and decides to confuse me a little by thrusting a good looking girl in front of me.
I'm still going to feign straight in this town, no one knows my sexuality, no one has asked and I laugh when they joke about "faggotry" so maybe now my hair is longer, they will never know I used to practise faggotry and still sometimes think about the possibility of practising it again.
As you may have read previously, I have written a poem about a girl, she was never my girlfriend but she was a girl who at that time, struck me as beautiful.
I've also written about a guy I'm extremely attracted to and have been for some time.
I like people, I don't like genders. I'm going to fall in love with a person, girl or guy, I don't care what their sexual organs are, I just care that I love them and they love me.
I don't want to cut off my options of love by saying something like "I will never date another girl" coz that is simply not true and will halve my chances of finding love.
I am too young to decide completely on the gender of the person I want to date, especially until I have experienced a proper relationship with both genders.
I just don't want my brain to remind me about how confused I am with this whole issue.
Varelai.
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