Day four: The highs and lows of Fluoxetine

Hey guys,

Woke up with some nausea this morning, which is a known side effect but could possiby also be due to lack of sleep but the lack of sleep (waking up many times in a night) could also be due to the drug.
Yesterday I woke up with a dry mouth so drank heaps of water and was fine, not sure if that's a side effect either but it's all worth documenting just incase.
Mood not much different but I guess it's not supposed to be a dramatic change.

Working hard as always,
V.

Day two: The highs and lows of Fluoxetine

Hey guys,

Day two started off with a headache. I'm not sure if it was due to the Fluoxetine or if it was just due to me not drinking enough water or whatever. But it's a good time to mention another way my doctor is useless, she failed to mention the combination of ibuprofen (which is the only painkiller I can use as I'm allergic to paracetamol) and Fluoxetine can cause a bad reaction.
I have a friend who is also on Fluoxetine and he said he and other people he knows on the drug have never had any issues also using ibuprofen but drugs cause different reactions in different people so it's all very up in the air. He suggested not using both drugs at the same time, as in, in a few hours of each other. But I did this morning and apart from a brief stomach cramp, I didn't have an issue (although it seems the symptoms happen internally so I may not know for a while if it did cause a problem). The stomach cramp could have also been caused by nervousness or period pains (which I'm getting at the moment coz it's almost time for my Depo Provera injection which takes away my period but needs to be injected once every three months).

My mum still doesn't know I'm on anti-depressants, although it's only been two days and I've only seen her once briefly during that time. Maybe I'll tell her sometime in the future but maybe I won't, she's hardly ever around any more coz she has a new boyfriend and sleeps at his house every night.

As for mood today, I was neither here nor there. I started a political internship so I was excited but even that felt somewhat hollow. I laughed at points but never felt any negative emotion, which is positive. I feel less anxious than I did before taking the drug, especially about my irrational fear of vomit, which has been torturing me more than ever lately but is something I'm less conscious/concerned about on Fluoxetine.

After this, unless anything significant happens, I'll be updating once a week but even then I don't make any promises. From tomorrow I'm working 15 days straight so I may be too tired or busy to blog.

V.

Day one: The highs and lows of Fluoxetine

Hey guys,

The doctor's visit went well so I've decided to document my journey on anti-depressants to see if I notice any changes in myself and my behaviour over the next few months.
I am on one Fluoxetine capsule a day and I can almost feel the effects already (although that could just be a placebo effect where you feel better just for taking pills, whether they're actually doing anything or not).
For more information about my new found favourite drug, here is a Wikipedia article on it. Of course I don't think it's relevant to discuss the technical stuff here, like the side effects (unless I experience them) or the scientific make up of the drug, which is why that's Wikipedia's job.
After last night's post, it was obvious to tell I was anxious about my doctor's appointment so when I got there this morning and the wait time was 30 mins, needless to say, I was freaking out more than ever.
Eventually I got to see the doctor who asked me a few questions and blamed my depression on computer overuse, she was pretty useless and never once asked if I was suicidal, which I thought would be the first question to ask someone who's depressed.
But aside from being useless at question asking, she gave me my drugs (3 month prescription) and sent me on my (more) merry way.
Upon seeing the tablets, the first thing I loved was that the pills were pretty colours, half green, half purple so it's pretty buzzy.
Today, after taking a pill, I haven't felt like crying all day and the times when I did feel emotional for a reason (like talking to my friend who will be moving to Australia in August), I found I couldn't cry, my heart didn't hurt, I just felt neutral, despite the fact it's something I'm devastated about and dreading. So all day I felt neutral, my happy moments weren't as deeply happy but my sad moments weren't sad at all, which is really what I needed right now.
I've been super hungry all day, unsure if this is a side effect or if I'm just having a slight growth-spurt, I guess when you're happier it's easier to eat than when you're not.
Favourite moment of the day was when I asked the chemist if I could drink alcohol on Fluoxetine, to which he replied "I wouldn't turn down a glass or two of wine, don't go too crazy and give up drinking altogether but everything in moderation is fine". Love him.

Very tired now,
V.

Depression

Hey guys,

I know I haven't properly blogged in a long time and for that I apologise but you know how I am.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to see a doctor because I think I have depression in some form and think it's time I stopped denying what's wrong and stopped being sad about nothing all the time and got some help.
I'm up at midnight, partly because I've spent the night with some politically like-minded friends but also because I'm very nervous about seeing the doctor tomorrow. My main fear is that they'll tell me nothing's wrong. I know something's wrong, I'm not myself and haven't been for months. I'm incredibly over-emotional, I cry about everything, which I never have before. In some ways I'm more myself than ever but emotionally, I am a different person and I can't cope with feeling this way anymore.
The problem is, nothing in my life is wrong, everything's going better than it ever has, I have two part time jobs, which I enjoy and two hobbies, one in politics and one with queer youth, which I am also extremely happy and excited about. But I'm not happy in general, I feel empathy where I never did before, I cry about irrational things like TV shows, I miss people more than I did before etc.
It's frustrating because things are finally starting to go well in my life and still, I have never been sadder. It's really confusing.
I've known for some years that I get winter depression and get it so bad I can't function properly in a job or in life but I've never done anything about it because it's always gone away after winter and I felt fine but now it's not winter yet and I'm still feeling terrible all the time so now is time to stop that, especially before it gets worse when winter arrives.
The other fear I have is that the doctor will make me see a councellor and that is something I can't do. The problem, as I explained before, is that there IS no problem. My life is perfect, I'm happy with 89% of it so I have no reason to feel so sad all the time, I feel like my heart is constantly breaking. I don't know what I'd even say to a councellor coz there is no concrete problem they could possibly fix, there is only the irrational sadness amongst a happy life.
The final fear is that taking anti-depressants will make me less myself. Something Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance said has always stuck with me. You all know how much MCR has always meant to me and even though I'm not as obsessed anymore, what he said in my favourite interview with him, still means something to me. This is the video. He says "I notice a lot of people think they can solve their problems with anti-depressants... It really strips people of who they are, your quirks, your problems, even your depressions, your failures, that's what makes you, you and there's a lot of drugs that take that away from you."
I'm scared of what he'd think of me. I'm scared that being on anti-depressants will make me a weak person, although, looking at the situation objectively, I couldn't possibly be weaker than I feel right now but I don't want to be viewed as weak or crazy because of my mental health issues. I don't want people to see my taking pills as "the easy way out" but more than that, I don't want to lose who I am because I've only just discovered her again after years of locking her away to be a serious, skeptical, cynical, jaded journalist, I am more myself than ever and I can't face losing that again. I don't want to become someone who can't feel at all, who is all neutral for good and bad because the drugs strip me of who I am. I don't want to disappoint Gerard but I DO have a problem, it's not so bad that I can't get out of bed but it's no less a problem and I do need to deal with it before it gets more serious and suicide, the other "easy way out" becomes more of an option.

I guess lack of sleep will do me no good but I needed to get this off my chest and rationalise about what tomorrow will bring.
I may update you but I may not, I make no promises.

Varelai.

The Missing

Everyone's looking but you're nowhere to be found,
Only you know where you are,
Questions float around our minds,
Did you run away to start a new life?
Did someone take you?
Are you alive or dead?
Your family is worried, they love you,
They want you to come home,
They want you to be safe,
But there is no comfort for them, no resolution,
No clues, no leads,
You're just gone, the police conceed,
Millions of kilometres of bush land,
Millions of litres of ocean,
You could be anywhere.
There is no rest for us, 
No rest until you're home.


Author's note: For everyone who has ever known someone who has gone missing, whether they vanished for a day, a month, a year or forever. Sometimes there are clues, sometimes a person disappears without a trace, either way, it's hard to lose someone you love, particularly if you're not able to get closure about where someone is or what happened to them. I hope this gives you something.

A haiku: Pohutakawa

Royalty,
Walking red carpets,
Summer Wellington streets.


Author's note: A haiku is a Japanese style of poem. They usually have three lines with 10-17 syllables. It's supposed to be a show not tell style of writing, after all, there's not much you CAN tell in 17 syllables. I think every Wellingtonian will know this image, without much telling.

A self portrait

Her bright blue eyes stare into mine,
They pierce my soul with their intensity,
They are a window into her mind,
An often brilliant place, where dreams do come true,
But not always, sometimes darkness fills her mind,
A darkness that extinguishes all beauty, all light,
A blanket of blackness and negativity take over,
Blackness that cannot be easily pushed aside or lightened.
Her eyes are the most beautiful, sunny day,
There's not a cloud in the sky,
Her eyes portray a life she wished she had,
A life and a happiness that is not a lie.

This is why you're fat

Things I regret:

The chocolate after every meal,
The wine I thought would help me heal.
The ice creams on every hot day,
And sometimes even the cold couldn’t keep me away.
The chippies I ate while lying on the couch,
And the lollies I kept in my bag in a pouch.
The times I didn’t get up and dance,
The pizza I ate without a second glance.
The cake I ate on the day of my birth,
And at other times, increased my girth.
The times I turned down a walk,
In the mirror I can’t help but gawk.

Now I know why my pants don’t fit,
No more luxuries I’ll permit.

The Election Blues

It’s been a week since they voted you back into power,
I’m so angry and sad, in the corner I cower,
The majority of our country can’t see the real you,
So now you can do all the evil you want to do,
Your supporters are horrible they boo and jeer,
For your opponents, it’s rude and really not fair,
This whole situation sends me into fits of rage,
But there’s nothing I can do, our country feels like a cage,
Next time will be different; we can’t give up hope,
It’s only three more years that we must cope.

The Child Speaks

Author's note: Child abuse in New Zealand is rampant. It's horrific and it's sad. For some reason, parents in this country are so angry and no one's really sure why or how to stop it. This poem is based on this story but it's not the first and it's not the last.


It was hot, the sun was shining, the day I took my final breath.

Kids were running around the neighbourhood, screaming with joy,
But I wasn’t screaming with joy.

I was a good, happy child, I could do no harm,
But they could never see that.

They threatened me and I got scared,
I had an accident.

They were furious,
They hit me again and again and again.

I screamed as loud as I could,
Hoping someone would come, someone would save me,
But they didn’t.

I wished I could go back to the people who loved me,
I didn’t understand what I did to make these people so mad.

Now it’s too late,
The sun was shining the day my parents killed me.

The Dream

We lie naked in each other’s arms,
Lazy Sunday’s in bed together are quality time,
We read Postsecret,
Then I make breakfast.
I want to share my secrets with you,
Every single one, things I’ve never told anyone.
I can depend on you,
Trust you more than I’ve ever trusted someone.
At night, we cuddle on the couch and watch films,
Til you fall asleep in my arms, or I in yours.
Together we walk hand in hand along the beach,
Or down the road,
Or while we drive from one end of the country to the other.
My hand and my life feel empty when you’re not around,
My heart physically hurts for you,
The love is so deep, so strong,
When I find you, I’ll never let you go,
It’s forever and for always.

Intoxication

Author's note: Like the last post, this post is also fairly graphic, maybe worse. I'm not sure I'm completely happy with it though, it doesn't quite reflect my feelings accurately yet but it'll need some more thought to correct it but I'm generally happy enough to post it. It is also about a different person than the last one.

She is intoxicating,
The scent of her sweet, fruity perfume fills my nostrils,
She fills my mind and drives me crazy.
In her arms I feel safe, she comforts me.
The feel of her soft, bare flesh on mine makes me moan in ecstasy,
My hands explore her body,
It is a foreign land, of the most beautiful kind.
Lips roam and search all parts of her,
I breathe her in and commit her to memory.

Lessons from the dancefloor

Author's note: This poem is kind of graphic or intimate or personal or something so you have been warned. I guess you're used to reading that kind of thing from me by now though.
It is a rough draft of the poem but also the final version. I wrote it while I was out and didn't change it so it's raw so may not be perfect but I like the way it works.
I'm sorry I haven't written an actual blog in months, I haven't felt the need but I have been writing SO much poetry, it's been awesome. Maybe I've just changed my writing style, blogging isn't doing it for me but I can't stop writing poems. Thinking about releasing a book sometime soon.
Here goes:

Twirling and swirling around the dance-floor and my mind,
She moves like a woman half her size,
Dancing with every girl but me.
She's big but beautiful,
I watch her ass shake through her skirt,
It leaves me breathless.
Drink in one hand, camera in the other,
Cigarette hanging out her mouth, she's all class.
Massive breasts roll like waves on water,
Tattooed legs dance in rhythm with the music,
She turns me on more with every move.
Oh, fat bottomed girls,
You truly do make my rockin' world go 'round.

The Smiling Assassin

Key, Key, stop fucking with me,
Everything you do, I disagree.

Why must you be so cruel?
You don’t need more money to heat your pool.

Take from the poor and give to the rich,
You don’t care if we have to live in a ditch.

The smile doesn’t quite reach the eyes,
The promises continue to turn into lies.

Lie upon lie, day after day,
You don’t think marriage is okay for gays.

But people are stupid; they’re being fooled,
They’ll re-elect you ‘cause they think you’re cool.

Mr Key, I hope you’re ashamed,
Your government’s caused nothing but pain.

Keep smiling and waving, smiling and waving,
That’s the Key to the hell you’re paving.

I walked under a bus, got hit by a train, keep falling in love which is kind of the same

Love is a bus, if you miss it, there will be another arriving in ten minutes.
If your bus is late, it is likely two busses will come at once.
When the bus is in motion, thoughts go round and round like wheels.
The first person you sit next to on the bus may not always be the one you will sit next to for the whole ride.
It is an expensive mistake if you forget to tag off.
Getting on the wrong bus will make you feel lost but you can always get off and change busses.
Sometimes your bus will break down but break downs can always be fixed with a little effort.
Sometimes lots of people have ridden the bus before you but don’t let that stop you from enjoying the ride.
Busses are heavy machinery, getting hit by them really hurts, so caution must be exercised at all times.

George

In many directions the cat stretches
Before lying down on the mat
His fur glistens in the sunlight
Life is easy, making him fat

Then his nose twitches,
What does he smell?
A rat scuttles around the house
But soon it will be quelled.

He gets up slowly,
Crouches and takes aim,
Then when the moment is right
He runs with intent to maim.

But quickly he realises,
In him his owners have over-indulged
The rat runs too fast
For the cat and his belly-bulge.

He feels humiliated and mad
As he stalks back to the house
How could he be outrun and outwitted
By a creature as dumb as a mouse?

His owners sit on the couch
With a blanket over their knees
Up he jumps and wriggles around
‘Til into their blanket he can squeeze.

He feels warm and comforted
As his owners stroke his fur
Who needs stupid rats?
Purr purr purr purr.

The Rainbow

You came into my life like a rainbow,
I was stuck in the middle of a storm but then out came the sun,
And there you were.

You dazzled me with your array of colours,
Colours I’d never seen in nature before,
You were so beautiful I was overwhelmed with emotion.

You stuck around for a while,
As did my smile,
But then you were gone again all too soon.

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet all faded to grey,
But I did not mourn that you were gone,
I gave thanks that you lit up my life for as long as you were here.

Wellington

The sun shines over the city I call home,
The blue ocean sparkles around the edges of the land,
Green hills surround her, covered in houses.
No area remains untouched by human hands,
Or unseen by human eyes,
But she is as beautiful now as she ever was,
I see her from afar and my heart sings,
No matter how long I’ve been away,
I am blown back to her,
And she calls to me “welcome home”.

Confusion, always confusion

Thoughts of you swirl in my head,
bringing questions I was certain I had put to bed.
Just when I thought I knew,
the answers were mine but there was you.
You came into my life so fast it made my head spin,
then disappeared just as quick, it should be a sin.
You left in your path a web of confusion in my brain,
I don't know if I can do this to myself again.
Wrong time, wrong place,
once again it'll end in disgrace.
I like you but you're someone I've only just met,
the only way this can end is with regret.
You felt so good in my arms,
warm and comforting, I could come to no harm.
But then again, so did he,
now, once more the decision is up to me.

Impulsivity

I seem to be getting more and more impulsive.
Quitting university was a very impulsive decision.
I seem to be making decisions now, without really thinking them out at all and how they'll work out with my schedule.
Impulsivity, as I learnt at university, is related to psychopathy. Am I a psychopath because I'm impulsive? Am I becoming more psychopathic as I become more impulsive?
I'm buying things without thinking about whether or not I have enough money and even if I know I don't have enough money, I'm buying stuff anyway.
I'm committing to things without thinking but maybe previously in my life I've thought too much and a bit of impulsivity will be useful in my life.
It relates back to How I Met Your Mother again, funnily enough, Ted thinks too much, he doesn't DO, he thinks. I've always been a thinker too, never just DOING things, always over thinking everything but now I'm becoming impulsive and it's getting scary. I'm so out of my depth, I'm taking uncalculated risks and that makes my heart pound in my chest. I have NO idea what I'm getting myself into in some areas of my life and I'm scared. I'm somewhat excited but not thinking can NEVER lead to anything good. All angles must be discovered, all facts taken into account before decisions are made but right now, I'm not doing that.

Agh!

V.