Day one: The highs and lows of Fluoxetine

Hey guys,

The doctor's visit went well so I've decided to document my journey on anti-depressants to see if I notice any changes in myself and my behaviour over the next few months.
I am on one Fluoxetine capsule a day and I can almost feel the effects already (although that could just be a placebo effect where you feel better just for taking pills, whether they're actually doing anything or not).
For more information about my new found favourite drug, here is a Wikipedia article on it. Of course I don't think it's relevant to discuss the technical stuff here, like the side effects (unless I experience them) or the scientific make up of the drug, which is why that's Wikipedia's job.
After last night's post, it was obvious to tell I was anxious about my doctor's appointment so when I got there this morning and the wait time was 30 mins, needless to say, I was freaking out more than ever.
Eventually I got to see the doctor who asked me a few questions and blamed my depression on computer overuse, she was pretty useless and never once asked if I was suicidal, which I thought would be the first question to ask someone who's depressed.
But aside from being useless at question asking, she gave me my drugs (3 month prescription) and sent me on my (more) merry way.
Upon seeing the tablets, the first thing I loved was that the pills were pretty colours, half green, half purple so it's pretty buzzy.
Today, after taking a pill, I haven't felt like crying all day and the times when I did feel emotional for a reason (like talking to my friend who will be moving to Australia in August), I found I couldn't cry, my heart didn't hurt, I just felt neutral, despite the fact it's something I'm devastated about and dreading. So all day I felt neutral, my happy moments weren't as deeply happy but my sad moments weren't sad at all, which is really what I needed right now.
I've been super hungry all day, unsure if this is a side effect or if I'm just having a slight growth-spurt, I guess when you're happier it's easier to eat than when you're not.
Favourite moment of the day was when I asked the chemist if I could drink alcohol on Fluoxetine, to which he replied "I wouldn't turn down a glass or two of wine, don't go too crazy and give up drinking altogether but everything in moderation is fine". Love him.

Very tired now,
V.

Depression

Hey guys,

I know I haven't properly blogged in a long time and for that I apologise but you know how I am.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to see a doctor because I think I have depression in some form and think it's time I stopped denying what's wrong and stopped being sad about nothing all the time and got some help.
I'm up at midnight, partly because I've spent the night with some politically like-minded friends but also because I'm very nervous about seeing the doctor tomorrow. My main fear is that they'll tell me nothing's wrong. I know something's wrong, I'm not myself and haven't been for months. I'm incredibly over-emotional, I cry about everything, which I never have before. In some ways I'm more myself than ever but emotionally, I am a different person and I can't cope with feeling this way anymore.
The problem is, nothing in my life is wrong, everything's going better than it ever has, I have two part time jobs, which I enjoy and two hobbies, one in politics and one with queer youth, which I am also extremely happy and excited about. But I'm not happy in general, I feel empathy where I never did before, I cry about irrational things like TV shows, I miss people more than I did before etc.
It's frustrating because things are finally starting to go well in my life and still, I have never been sadder. It's really confusing.
I've known for some years that I get winter depression and get it so bad I can't function properly in a job or in life but I've never done anything about it because it's always gone away after winter and I felt fine but now it's not winter yet and I'm still feeling terrible all the time so now is time to stop that, especially before it gets worse when winter arrives.
The other fear I have is that the doctor will make me see a councellor and that is something I can't do. The problem, as I explained before, is that there IS no problem. My life is perfect, I'm happy with 89% of it so I have no reason to feel so sad all the time, I feel like my heart is constantly breaking. I don't know what I'd even say to a councellor coz there is no concrete problem they could possibly fix, there is only the irrational sadness amongst a happy life.
The final fear is that taking anti-depressants will make me less myself. Something Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance said has always stuck with me. You all know how much MCR has always meant to me and even though I'm not as obsessed anymore, what he said in my favourite interview with him, still means something to me. This is the video. He says "I notice a lot of people think they can solve their problems with anti-depressants... It really strips people of who they are, your quirks, your problems, even your depressions, your failures, that's what makes you, you and there's a lot of drugs that take that away from you."
I'm scared of what he'd think of me. I'm scared that being on anti-depressants will make me a weak person, although, looking at the situation objectively, I couldn't possibly be weaker than I feel right now but I don't want to be viewed as weak or crazy because of my mental health issues. I don't want people to see my taking pills as "the easy way out" but more than that, I don't want to lose who I am because I've only just discovered her again after years of locking her away to be a serious, skeptical, cynical, jaded journalist, I am more myself than ever and I can't face losing that again. I don't want to become someone who can't feel at all, who is all neutral for good and bad because the drugs strip me of who I am. I don't want to disappoint Gerard but I DO have a problem, it's not so bad that I can't get out of bed but it's no less a problem and I do need to deal with it before it gets more serious and suicide, the other "easy way out" becomes more of an option.

I guess lack of sleep will do me no good but I needed to get this off my chest and rationalise about what tomorrow will bring.
I may update you but I may not, I make no promises.

Varelai.