Being a rockstar

Sometimes I feel like I'm living the rockstar lifestyle. Wearing sunglasses inside, drinking like it's going out of fashion and staying up later than any person should ever be awake.
Of course, not playing music means I will never REALLY be a rockstar and although I have been asked many times, I don't actually want to play an instrument.
The thing is though, eventually, every rockstar goes to rehab and right now I'm in that phase.
As we speak I am drinking my final two and a half glasses of wine before I give up alcohol... Again.
I drank quite a bit while I was in my stressful job two months ago. I felt entitled to it, it made me feel better and less stressed when the world was breaking down in front of me on a daily basis.
Drinking at night, every night, was my way of destressing.
But I haven't had a job in two months. Why then, have I been drinking every night for the last few weeks?
Lately I've had some issues, one of which was talked about in the last blog, in as much depth as I'm willing to discuss in public.
It's these issues that are making me drink despite the fact I don't have a stressful job to destress from.
My friends have recently used a form of intervention to tell me that I drink too much and that they would like me to stop.
I said I would but I first had to finish an already open bottle of wine I had, which is what I'm doing now before I go completely alcohol free tomorrow.
I'll continue to update this blog on my progress.
I'm currently trying to recruit a kind of "AA buddy" who is in a similar postition to me (ie: needs to stop drinking before her life turns to absolute shit) and I thought maybe we could help each other out by supporting each other in the journey to not drink. Maybe if she accepts we'll talk everytime we feel like we need to drink and be able to help eachother out.
Tomorrow is the day of reckoning and although I didn't WANT to give up drinking, having my first last glass tonight and not enjoying it, made me think maybe it is time to stop.
The hard thing and the biggest test will be when something bad happens, how will I be able to handle not drinking?
Exactly one month till my birthday. Will be hard to not drink for that, sometimes it's nice to have a drink to celebrate your special day.
I hope that the friends who want me to not drink, will be around to support me in any problems I have to make not drinking an easier process. If I can talk to them about my issues, maybe I won't need to drink to make things easier.
Right now drinking is just useful for dulling my senses when things are going wrong. I need a replacement that's all.

Varelai.

The Sleaze

Hands all over my body,
Wandering, exploring.

Did I ask for this when I came out tonight?

Enjoying myself,
Having a dance, I never expected it to end this way.

Grinding into me, grabbing my hips,
Your touch makes me shiver.

What makes you think I want this to happen?

Feeling violated, dirty,
You make me sick to my stomach.

Even a shower won't wash away your filth from my body,
The terror stays in my mind constantly.

Jumping at every slight touch,
Was I always this scared and alone?

Girls dressed in barely any clothes,
Why don't you pick on them?

Wanting to wrap myself in layers of winter clothes,
Maybe the chills will go away, maybe I won't cause this again.

The smell of stale beer and cigarettes,
Do you think that excuses your behaviour?

Moving on, beginning to enjoy the company of men,
But you are a reminder that they're all the same.

You are the reason I despise your kind.




Author's note: There are not enough words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I hope this comes close to somehow explaining it.
I thought I was ready to love someone of the male kind but how can I when certain males act like the biggest creeps in the world, violating innocent girls, coming back again and again even when they say no.
This experience will never leave my mind. Any man's touch will turn my stomach.
I feel like I should cut off all my hair again, at least men used to ignore me when it was short. It gave the message loud and clear. A message I want to give again. I HATE MEN, even hate is not a strong enough word to describe how dispicable they are.
A female would never do this to someone. I may never trust another human being and yet the question never leaves my mind: Did I bring this on myself? Were my jeans too tight? Should I have worn more jackets?


Varelai.

The John to my Taupin

Age just a number,
Maturity should matter.

Wise beyond my years,
But not where it counts.

You were a gentleman and made me feel special,
But eight years came between us.

Your music and humour brightened my life,
Without you the dark ages have come again.

Magical fast fingers,
I wanted to be the one you used them on.

Age restrictions legally, socially, romantically,
Always a barrier but I thought we'd be different.

Things have changed for the worst,
We can't even be friends.

The love of your life is yet to be found,
But when she is, she'll be the luckiest of women.

You'll treat her like a princess,
You'll be the king of husbands.


Varelai.

Reasons why my life is Christchurch

The initial earthquake shook my world and left cracks everywhere.
The ground underneath the house of my life turned to mushy quicksand.
The aftershocks keep coming long after the initial massive earthquake.
The bricks of my broken house fell on my BMW.
The aftershocks make sleeping difficult, even when I want to sleep, it's difficult.
Today I almost drove my car straight into one of the cracks.
Recovery will take some time and the aftershocks keep coming, preventing rebuilding.


There's not much more I can say to make this whole thing less vague but lets just say I'm not exactly having the best time in my life at this point.
Saying anymore here would give away the game, not that many people are reading this but incase they do, vague is the only way I can go.

Varelai.

The passion

I miss being passionate about things.
I used to have a blog on Bebo and speak passionately about the issues in my life, homophobia, religion and all sorts of other controversial issues.
But now I just don't care. Well, it's not that I don't care but as Rise Against says "Neutrality means that you don't really care" and I do feel neutral about all these things now, rather than passionate.
Maybe it's because I feel significantly straighter now than I used to so I don't feel as INTO gay issues.
Sure, homophobia is still a horrible, terrible thing that shouldn't be wished on anyone but it doesn't affect me anymore so I don't feel as passionate to make a stand about it.
I outed myself in college and started a queer support group to help the other gay kids in school to defend themselves from the homophobic attitudes of others in the school.
It was hard, we were picked on a lot, bullied more than anyone can imagine but I was admired for standing up for myself and my friends, by the more open minded people in the school. I took a stand and it felt good. I no longer stand for things.
But this post is from a time when it did. It was one of the most effective blogs I ever wrote on Bebo so I thought it could do with reposting for opinions on this blog.

Sunday 9th September 2007:

I was disapointed with the reaction my parents gave me when I came out to them. They accepted me.
I really expected the whole "You're bi, get out of the house, we never want to see you again", at least THEN there would have been some DRAMA! What I got was "Its ok, we love you, whatever makes you happy" etc.
DISAPOINTMENT!
Homophobia DOES have to stop though, there is nothing I hate more in this world than homophobia and people who judge people based on sex, sexuality, race, religion, whatever.

I went to church a few weeks ago (because I am religious as you all know) and felt guilty the WHOLE way through because I knew in my head and my heart that I was in love with a girl and she was all I could think about the WHOLE service!
In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong to be thinking about her during church but I cant help what I feel. This week it wasnt so bad but that ONCE I really felt a clash between my sexuality and my religion.
Until that day I had always felt like I was able to mix the two and there would be nothing wrong.
There's nothing wrong with mixing the two but when you should be thinking about God and you're thinking about the GIRL you love (thats a sin as it is), religion and sexuality are NOT mixing!

I have blogged before about how hard it must be for someone who along with their family is strongly religious to DOUBT their sexuality because of the fact religion and homosexuality DO NOT mix!

In the movie Walk The Line, Johnny Cash had a great point. Different circumstances but the same principle.
Johnny's manager was talking about how most of Johnny's fans were Christians and they didnt want to hear him sing to a bunch of murderers and criminals, Johnny turns around and says "They're not real good Christians then are they?"

The Christian belief is to love your neighbour, treat others how you would like to be treated etc, just like Jesus did. However, if they are judging someone based on what theyve done or who they are, that doesnt exactly make them good Christians does it?

Im reading the bible at the moment and Jesus tells people not to judge others, he tells people to forgive people for what theyve done. Im sure he says something about hate the sin not the sinner.

Its all good and well saying these things in THEORY but when it comes down to it, would you actually do the right thing?
Like it says in the homophobia thing above, if your parents are strongly religious and maybe they arent AGAINST gays, they're accepting and stuff but then if their son turned around and said "hey guys, im gay" they would disown him!

That is not practising what you preach if you cant accept someone in your own FAMILY for who they are!
I guess some people would say Im lucky my family didnt react badly, I guess if they had it would have killed me really but since they reacted well, I just wish they hadnt coz then I would have a story to tell.

The worst part about homophobia is that kids have KILLED themselves because their sexuality has not been accepted and they have gotten too much shit for it!
Im glad Ive never felt that bad about things that I even had to CONSIDER dying.
Sure Ive gotten shit from people about sexuality. Surprisingly its been more guys at school than I ever got from girls.
But I can handle it, they're right, what dont kill you, only makes you stronger.
I am a stronger person for the shit Ive had to endure and Im sure any other kid who has had to handle the same stuff I have (or worse) can say the same thing.

Final line. Dont give up. Ever!
Be proud of who you are. People should accept you but no one ever does what they SHOULD do. If they dont, yea itll hurt but dont give up coz it can only make you a stronger person.
The best people Ive ever met have either been straight but GREATLY open and accepting or gay and just awesome people because of what theyve been through!
Stop judging people before you know them! If you judge people based on sexuality, you will lose some of the greatest people you will EVER know! Thats your loss for being such an ignorant piece of shit.

Finally a poem to finish it all off. I wrote this in June 2008 after a couple of boys called me a "fat lesbian". This was my response on my blog: "I want them to know that when I see them, all I see is two boys, scared of their own feelings, trying to take me down to their level because I am strong, confident and open about who I am and my sexuality.
I am proud to be part of the gay community and I hope that one day, these boys will come out and feel the same way."

Your Words Will Never Hurt Me

Never ending insults,
Year after year.
You think you still hurt me with your cliches?

Call me something I haven't heard before,
I dare you.

Words used to stab me, like a knife through my heart,
Now they're like annoying background noise.

I'm a brave person,
I came out, it took guts,
Guts you clearly don't have.

You don't hurt me,
'Sticks and stones', you're the ones I feel sorry for.

I'm not afraid to be myself,
At least I know who I am.

I don't hate you,
I just hope that one day,
You won't be afraid to admit to who you are aswell.

Ah, the passion. I was so feisty, I could have taken on the world and I did sometimes.

Varelai.

Nine eleven

I'm not American so you'd think it would be hard for me to understand exactly how much pain 9/11 caused the people of the United States.
But I get it. I watched some documentaries I recorded a few days ago and they shocked me. Every year around this time, I do the same thing. I watch programmes about September 11 and succumb to the total emotional shock these kinds of programmes bring.
Seeing the towers collapse never gets any easier. Today, watching them collapse in a matter of seconds felt like someone was stabbing a knife into my chest.
Just in those 10 seconds, thousands of people lost their lives, just like that. BAM, vapourised.
I guess that's the hardest thing for me, the fact they never even had a CHANCE to get out, they were killed instantly and not only were they killed, there weren't even bodies for grieving families. There was NOTHING left of most people and if there were, there was only a finger or a bone that was left for possible identification. Some people are probably still missing.
The programme that affected me more than anything was New York mayor of the time Rudy Gulliani's account of what 9/11 was like for him as the man in charge.
The president, Mr Bush had been evacuated to some safe space or some such thing and Gulliani was the only person in power at the coalface, with the people. Running away with them, trying to keep them calm, telling them to be strong and unafraid.
I can't even imagine what he was going through, trying to be strong and never crying in front of cameras, even when he continually found out more of his close friends were dead. He just had to be a pillar of strength for the whole of America despite how much intense emotional pain he must have been in.
Nine eleven always makes me want to listen to My Chemical Romance. They were created in 2001 after Gerard (lead singer) saw people falling from the towers. That day he wrote Skylines and Turnstyles. A song that accurately fits the feeling of the day in my mind. The skyline that was so peaceful, bright blue sky, the hot, sunny day being destroyed by smoke and destruction.
People changed their lives that day. Gerard decided he wouldn't sell his soul to a big corporation anymore and that he wanted to save the world. He did. And 10 years later, My Chemical Romance are still going strong, saving the lives of teens all around the world with their music and about to release a new album before the year is out.
New Zealand just had a tragedy of our own. Okay, it was NO 9/11 and no one died but many lives were changed by the Canterbury earthquake of 2010. Thing is, as this article shows, the quake brought New Zealanders closer together.
I spoke to an American on 9/11 this year who said the event really changed Americans and in particular New Yorkers.
New Yorkers are not known for being particularly kind, patient or caring but 9/11 changed all that.
She said she saw people helping people and people sharing cabs, something that had not been done before or since.
But they were so changed by their losses, their shock, that they were calmer, they were more caring, they were more sensitive.

Let's just take some time to remember the thousands of people who lost their lives, the firefighters who went up into the second tower even though they knew they would die when the tower collapsed and the civillians who never did anything wrong.

Varelai.

Life goals and dreams

I have to become a music journalist.
There is no if or but about it.
It is the ultimate dream for me. I went to a gig last night and I loved it, every single part of it. I always do.
Every time I go to gigs I love it so much that coming home and living my dull dull life the next day is just sad to me.
It depresses me after such exciting nights, I have to come back and stop living in that excitement.

Last night was a pretty big night, I know the members of the band pretty well, one in particular and was invited up on stage to dance because the singer could see the passion I felt for the band. I could barely stay sitting in my seat and couldn't understand why no one else wanted to make the first move and get up and dance!
It was exciting. But terrifying. I guess the words on my arm "Not Afraid" mean I am able to do crazy, scary things like rock climbing or saying "fuck it" and jumping up on stage, dancing like 50-100ish people are not watching.
As a music journalist, the excitement of going to shows, would be an almost daily thing.

For the last 3-4 weeks I've been to gigs once a week and the next day there's always a "hangover" of sorts, where negative feelings appear after a night of positivity. There's extreme boredom, frustration and depression at how dull my life has become. I want to meet famous people, I want to listen to great music, I want to write about and review my experiences with great music. I want to live an exciting life.
I asked my friend if it was hard for him to go back to his non-musicial day job after performing to screaming, adoring, clapping fans all night. He said it wasn't hard but maybe he's just used to the feeling of coming down from the musicial high.
I have another friend who is studying music so that she can become a musician full time because she loves it so much. And this is someone who doesn't show much emotion or excitement about anything... ever. Even if she loves something with all the feelings in her, she won't show any excitement but I know she loves music and needs to do it full time.

I need music full time as well, but not as a musician (lack of musical talent prevents me from doing that) but I need to write about music. Writing is a passion for me but so is music. They're both things that will complete me and give me the excitement my life desperately lacks currently.

Varelai.

The rules

Hey,

Last night I was told by a guy that when a guy and a girl go out to dinner, it is considered rude if the guy does not pay for dinner.
It doesn't matter if the girl asked the guy out to dinner or if they're just going out to dinner as friends, the same rule apparantly applies.
It's kind of strange to me that there should be such a sexist rule in this day and age.
I went out to dinner with a guy not so long ago and he paid for dinner. I was shocked and impressed when he paid because I didn't expect it. I already had my wallet out, ready to pay my half and he told me not to worry and that he had it covered.
I didn't know that maybe he was just paying because of some unspoken guy rule and because he thought it was expected that he do so.
Of course, maybe he wasn't just doing it because he "had" to, maybe he was doing it because he's a gentleman and thought it was a nice thing to do, which it was.
So, what do you all think?
I think maybe the person who initiates the dinner should pay. So, in this situation, it would have been me.
What if two girls go out to dinner, as partners or as friends, who pays then?
Half and half is also another good solution. Paying for your half of the meal just seems fair.
If I go out to dinner with this guy again, something I plan on doing, I wouldn't expect him to pay again, in fact I wouldn't LET him pay again.
Sure, it's a nice gesture but to me, it's not fair that he pay EVERY time we go to dinner, I'd feel cruel letting him pay if I knew he was doing it just because of some unwritten rule, that he thinks it'd be considered rude for him not to.
For me, it's rude if I don't at LEAST offer to pay and more rude if I let him pay fully more than once.
I've always been taught, coming from a poor family, that if I want something, I need to pay for it myself so going halves in the dinner is the least I can do to be polite.
George Costanza from Seinfeld, one of the people I've always liked and admired for his attitude towards everything, said that all he wants is for the girl to "make the grab" for the check.
"GEORGE: That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner,
she doesn't even reach for the check. Thats all Im asking for is a reach.
Is that so much to ask for?"
Even if he ends up paying anyway, he just wants the girl to at least attempt to pay to show she cares.

What's your opinion?

Varelai.