A car crash of a life

Tonight on my way home from wrestling (will talk more later), I saw a car crash.
Seeing a car crash is a life changing experience.
I don't know if anyone died but the police and fire engines were gathered, lights flashing.
The Haywards Hill is dangerous. I've never liked it and this crash, along with others, proves just what a bad road it was.
So this one was right at the bottom of the hill, near Manor Park.
It looked like the taxi was trying to turn into the lane to get to Wellington.
The front bumper, where the engine etc is, was torn in half.
It was dark, luckily, so I couldn't see any bodies or blood or anything but seeing the car so damaged scared me.
For all I knew, I could have been driving past a place where someone was killed, there could have been bodies in the area.
As a driver, it made me very cautious. It could have been me. It could have been anyone I know.
A car crash can change everything.
It's a chilling experience that I hope I never ever have to personally be part of in any form.
I guess for me, driving past the crash, effected me kinda of like the death of someone I didn't know. It made me feel a sadness that someone may have just lost someone they loved and of course, the aforementioned chill that it could have been me.

So on that positive note, tonight, some of my colleagues and I went into Petone to watch a NZWPW wrestling match.
The NZWPW stands for New Zealand Wide Pro Wrestling and I have to say, these guys are pretty bloody good.
It was like watching American wrestling except a little less tight, a little less disciplined.
But it doesn't matter, the crowd was SO into it, particularly the children.
It was our own piece of America in NZ.
The guys were professional as they come. There were crowd favourites as well as crowd enemies.
Although most wrestling, I feel, is staged/set up/faked, these guys mostly looked like they were inflicting pain onto their colleagues so were professional in their staging and storylines.
But they were every day guys as well. They had families in the crowd as well as children.
Great stuff.

By the way, I got picked up today.
Yes, Google has finally acknowledged my existance after 2 weeks or so.
Varelai Armstrong is on the map!
Or at least in the Google alerts.

I feel like this blog should be particularly long because I haven't blogged in a few days.
I apologise for this, it has been far too hot to blog or to concentrate on ANYTHING. The temperature does dictate a lot of things for me. I'm someone who can't stand being in conditions which are too warm but being too cold also affects me badly.
Being hot makes me unable to think or comprehend things so that makes doing ANYTHING difficult so I more often than not, choose not to do anything at these times.
Hence, I haven't blogged in 2 days or so.

I'm not a huge drinker of water usually and the fact I've been going through a bottle or more a day in the last week, just shows how hot the weather is, as well as how much body water I must be losing.

I'm trying to learn one of my favourite Green Day songs on guitar at the moment. I've partially learnt Time of Your Life (Good Riddance), but the picking in that song is pretty difficult so I've just practised the chords over and over so have gotten pretty damn good at that.
Today I learnt the first few chords of Give Me Novacaine. A song Green Day played when we saw them in December and a song that I feel impacts my life a whole lot.
I feel like I can relate to the song, not as a drug addict but as someone who has someone else to act as their drug.
Novacaine, if you don't know, is a form of anesthetic, a drug which numbs all pain.
I feel like the song is less about a drug than it is about someone who takes away someone elses pain.
"Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright, tell me that I won't feel a thing, give me novacaine"
I once talked with someone I had strong feelings for about this. Or they quoted it to me or something like that. It was a powerful statement coz all I want is someone to take away the pain I sometimes feel in my heart.
I wanted to tattoo those words on me, but for me, that sentence is a bit too long. A little longer than I think tattoo lyrics should be.
Speaking of which, my new tattoo has been designed. It is Green Day related but not Novacaine.
I have decided not to show many people the design until it's on me.
Last time I was very open about what I was getting but last time I got the font off the internet so it wasn't really very creative.
This time my friend drew it up from her mind so I guess I'm more conscious of it being stolen. Although I guess the lyrics I've chosen are something I've chosen for my own life and they may not even relate to anyone else anyway.
Maybe, MAYBE when it's done, I'll post a pic. But we'll see.

Speaking of Green Day, a band I'm extremely fond of after seeing them in Auckland on December 18 last year.
I do realise a lot of their lyrics on their later albums are all about war.
But my friend and I recently had a discussion about the meanings of these lyrics.
I enjoy arguing with friends. Not that you could even call this arguing compared to a couple of firey occassions myself and this person have had in the past.
And I don't really mean I enjoy arguing with my friends but I enjoy disagreeing on unimportant things. Because they often feed me new perspectives I never thought of before.
My friend and I talked about 21 Guns. To me, the song is about giving up. I never noticed this before because the music has such power and almost positivity that I never noticed the negativity of the lyrics.
To me, the song is suicidal.
To her, the song is more about NOT giving up, about dealing with things in a good way so you can mentally let go.
But also, of course, 21 guns, is a military thing, she told me, so the song is about war, as always.
But because I can't relate to war the song doesn't affect me in that way. I don't know anyone in the current US war and I don't really believe in the concept of war. It's not a smart thing to do. War is just stupid, STUPID stuff. As Rise Against said, there are no heroes of war. Well they didn't say that but they imply it in one of their songs.
Apparantly Billie Joe, lead singer of Green Day said 21 Guns was a song about accepting life instead of fighting it, learning to deal with these things no matter how closed the path may seem or something of that nature.
So, in the end, my friend and I compromised. 21 Guns, we felt was about a war. Yes. But it was about ANY type of war.
"War in general. Perhaps not just conventional war. The war against drugs. Wars within ourselves."
That, I can agree on, I think the song is definitely about a war we're fighting within ourselves.
Even the first lines prove this: "Do you know what's worth fighting for? When it's not worth dying for?"
Those lines to me, are about choosing your fights, choosing your wars.
Is your opinion worth starting a fight over?
Would you die for something you believe?
Even if it means you're dying inside because of something or you're fighting an internal war because of a belief.
The song relates to people on a personal level as well as the level Green Day intended, the war level.
I still think the lyrics are the most depressing things I've ever read and it scares me, to some degree that a friend can relate to the sentiment in the song in any way.
I guess I feel like I can relate to some of it too but to me, it's suicidal so to think someone I know relates to a suicidal song, makes me kinda worried I guess.
But in saying that, if the friend thinks the song is a positive song, then clearly, they don't see the song as being suicidal, therefore they probably aren't in that suicidal frame of mind.
Opinions are hard.

Hope you enjoyed an extra long rant tonight,
Varelai.

Oh the smell

Hey,
So I'm about to blog for the second time today BUT you fuckers better not hope for a blog tomorrow.
So if you want DAILY Varelai action, read this tomorrow.
Oh I know it's hard and you suffer but so do Muse so you'll survive.

So, number 1: Lately I've been concerned I smell bad. I smell myself and think, wow that's awful and often wonder if others can smell me.
I don't want to know if you can but I AM conscious of it so I'll try to avoid it, not that I don't ALWAYS avoid smelling awful but when you're gaining weight like mad and begin to wear tight pants which probably don't have much breathing room, sometimes that kind of thing happens.
But look guys, I WILL stop talking about gross shit on here coz that's so not right and I would NEVER want to read that.

But first.. Okay so our ex next door neighbours have been married about 20 or so years now.
They're about 20 years apart in age but that doesn't stop them still being happy.
They seem to argue like nobody's business but I feel like it's because she is quite a "German-like" type person, gets angry very easily and does NOT know how to just chill out and ride life like it was a really gorgeous rockstar.
And don't get offended Germans, even my little German will admit German's find chilling kinda hard (like a gorgeous rockstar?)
And I am kinda German myself so uh... Yea.
So anyway, the partner, the male, is SO chilled, I cannot imagine him EVER getting angry at anything.
I stepped in his wet cement in the weekend and he didn't yell AT ALL. So yea, so calm.
Where as she gets angry about everything from people parking on their land to his whistling in the morning when he wakes up earlier than everyone else and bangs around too loudly while she's still sleeping.
So while they're arguing, well while she's yelling at him a bit for the above morning routine, he comes up behind her and tickles her. And she giggles even though she's trying to be all angry about how insensitive he is.
Then later, we have a feed of vego nachos, which are AWESOME coz she is an awesome cook, on the previous day she made me the BEST quiche I've ever tasted so has made me LOVE quiche. Yes, it was THAT incredible that I've changed my whole mind/world view of the Q word.
So anyway, she gets up and says something about farting. Which is totally gross coz I hate that kinda stuff.
But then her husband and I start talking, I ask him if it was awkward the first time they farted in front of one another.
You see, the thing is. I've listened to ZM for a long time coz I LOVE the Morning Crew. Polly and Grant are married and they've talked a few times about this toilet business. Polly never wants their own business to be "aired out" so to say.
But they ask listeners about it and get response.
So anyway, it's something I know I have to get over.
Everyone does it. My friends do and my partner certainly will (particularly if he's male) so how do couples get over this hurdle?
Is the "F" word a bigger issue to me than it is to most people?
I hope my friends read this and realise I don't think they're gross for being human but it's my own fear of the F word that makes me get grossed out at these occassions.
However, I think EVERYONE has this fear because my friends don't often do this in front of me.
But maybe that's coz it's a private thing people do alone?
But if they do, then how do people, friends and lovers, get over it?

So guys, I need answers.
I don't want to know about your F wording but I want to know what you think when it comes to doing it around people.
Is it normal?
It's human, sure but how do you get over it?

But also, the aforementioned relationship makes me think of Up! Which I saw last night.
Ellie and Carl love each other till the end.
Ellie dies but Carl continues to feel her all around him throughout the rest of the movie and you KNOW he loves her forever.
I'd love to have that. Or the real version which is my ex next door neighbours, who fight like cats and dogs but still love each other where it counts.
You can SEE the love even when they're fighting.
And I do believe couples NEED to fight to some degree coz they can't always agree on everything and fighting means less chance of divorce because they get their feelings out before they explode in divorce.
I have a lot of love to give and nowhere to spend it.
That's all.

I have another blog idea for tomorrow that I've been saving since yesterday,
hope I remember.

Varelai.

Tight pants

Sorry I haven't blogged for a few days. I've been away.
We went to our ex next door neighbours house for a break, to get away from it all.

So my friend came back from Australia yesterday. She had been there for three weeks and I missed her more than anything. She said she didn't get me anything coz she ran out of money, which is fine coz I didn't want to take her money anyway. But then she gives me these pants as a "souvenir" of Australia. Which it's not really, coz she bought them for herself, which is fine because I don't want to take her stuff from her anyway. I insist I'm a size 12 but she insists I'm a size 10 so she gives me these size 10 pants (coz that's what size she is) and I have to do this little dance thing to get into them. Now, as I've previously stated on Facebook, I'm not a big person so having to do a dance, like Homer Simpson to get into my pants, is unusual for me.
So I dance and jump around then eventually get into them.
They're okay in most places and I'm wearing them today but in the crotch and ass areas I feel like I'm being touched in ways pants should NOT be touching me.
I feel like I'm constantly being uh... how do I put this in a G rated way... poked in the uh well you know. As well as having a constant wedgie.
This makes things slightly uncomfortable to be honest...
So I now apparantly fit size 10 pants but these ones feel super tight.
I'm conscious that in tight pants, people are staring at my ass.
Or that I'm walking weirdly coz I'm being poked and wedgied AT THE SAME TIME.
In saying that, tight pants have always made me feel kinda sexy. I guess that's the benefit of clothing which is skin tight and poking you in places not many people get poked. Well some do but that's totally too R rated.
Oh and it makes me think, what happens with guys who wear skinny jeans? If I'm getting poked, it must be SUPER uncomfortable for them coz they have a lot more down there than I do.
I feel like I need to rearrange myself all the time. Always adjusting which looks bad in public but men do it ALL the time.

I went to a tattoo parlor today. I wasn't getting inked again (unfortunately) but it made me re-realise my deep craving for another tatt. I feel like I NEED to feel that needle in me again and soon.
I have a design but it has to wait a little longer until I'm sure where I want it and stuff.
My friend is getting inked today so she'll probably want another one asap after her first, just like I did/do so at least I'll have an ink buddy who'll be covered in them with me!

I think that's enough information for today... And forever lol.

Varelai.

Crush Them

I have a new found appreciation for Judith Crusher Collins.
This morning, my Saturday morning, I was woken up at 7am by a fucking boy racer.
He zoomed past my house one way then back the other way.
I have no idea why their cars are SO fucking loud.
It's like when I talked to this half deaf musician yesterday and he said if the music sounds like it's BREAKING UP, it's because of a deaf sound guy so "tell him to turn it the fuck down"
So that is how I feel about the boy racers. If I can hear them on the street at 7am and my room is in the middle of the house, so not near the street, they're too fucking loud.
Was it their aim to wake up everyone in my street?
They're such fucking wankers.
They are NOT cool in their fucking loud, shitty cars.
Crush them. I agree with Collins, crush the fucking cars, crush the fucking dudes who drive them while you're at it.
Boy racers should not survive. Boy racers are fucking idiots.
Lucky they have the same mindset as people who walk in front of busses.
People who walk in front of busses are meant to die to take their awful genes from the genepool so no other idiots are produced from their genes.
Same with boyracers, they kill themselves in cars coz they shouldn't be alive anyway.
Just natural selection, survival of the fittest, Darwinism stuff.

Second thing today is because I went for a run around my old College's field a few days ago, my legs have been aching for 2 days.
Yesterday wasn't so bad but today I woke up and they're super sore.
Way to go Varelai, going for a huge run after not exercising for 3 weeks previous.
I could only run half the field then powerwalked the rest but it was a start.
I'll run again in a few days when my legs stop hurting.
Now I'm finished my internship though, I can get home earlier and go to the gym.

That's all I have to say today,
Kill the boyracers.

Oh and mum just got me new razors yesterday and I have to say, everyone should be able to appreciate the amazingness of shaving with sharp razors. It is so much faster and so much better feeling.
I always loved shavey time but sharp razors just MAKE it.

Varelai.

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Once again, my dreams and plans have been crushed in a puff of smoke.
My friends don't REALLY believe being a train conductor is good for me.
No, they believe it would be a waste of my "intelligence".
Bah humbug.
Though one said she'd prefer me to be train conducting than to be on the dole doing nothing.
But hearing that two friends believe my mind would be wasted on my dream sucks.
I don't want to wake up at 6:30 every morning then sit in an office all day, at a desk in front of a computer screen.
This is not my idea of living.
I don't want to continue to look and act like zombie because my day tires me out so much.
I don't want to be bored.

I enjoy writing and I'm a fast, good writer but in an office, I feel like MY skills are wasted.
So what do you do?
Do you keep your ever suffering friends satisfied or do you live for yourself, do what you want to do?
I can't think in the conditions of an office. It is hot in this office, too hot for my head to create ideas which people will want to read.
Then again, I can't think at home either, it distracts me with it's opportunities to sleep, eat, watch TV and generally do nothing.

I would like to be a music Journalist but I don't know where to start. As a freelance Journo, you can't even connect yourself to a publication so when you talk to people and say "oh hi I'm ________" they'll say so what!
Where as if you can say to them, "Hi, I'm _______ from the Dominion Post" they'll be inclined to talk to you because they know you and your publication (or at very least, they know your publication).

Then there's the matter of finding bands to write about, how do you find the managers of bands?
How do you find the publicity for bands to know what's going on?
You have to have connections in the industry, a PR person who emails you details of gigs which are happening that you can attend and then review.
You need somewhere you can put your reviews where people will see them and although I have different contacts in 2 different community newspapers now, gig reviews are not a usual thing in those kinds of papers.

Then there's the matter of money. I know it should be about passion but you HAVE to live somehow.
Doing reviews for free would be okay for a while but I have to live and living costs money.
Journalists don't make much money, especially in freelance so that makes things harder for me.
Plus, for me, it costs a lot to even get to Wellington to check out gigs.
Also, most gigs are at night and while I'm studying, it's not possible to lose a night's sleep just to go into Wellington to review a gig for no money.

So it comes down to contacts really. I need contacts to work with who will pay me to review whatever for them.
And I will because I am passionate about music and I could review from home rather than in an office which would make everything good for me.

So there it is.
Varelai.

Things that annoy me

Today, on another exciting episode of Obdurate Opinions, we discuss things Varelai hates.

Let us begin.

The first thing is Asians. Now, I don't like to be racist so I'll put here that it is not all Asians but four Asians today.
To the Asian who caught the bus then asked the driver to wait for her older friend/mum/other Asian, just because there are a lot of you, it does NOT mean you can make a bus wait for you. That is rude. We waited about a minute before older Asian got on bringing hot food from the bakery she worked at which then made the bus smell like pies for the remainder of the journey.
So to the two bus Asians, fuck you.
Next we have Asian zebra crossing girls.
Why, why WHY would you stand at a zebra crossing if you don't want to cross?
The car in front of the bus I was on stopped to wait for the Asians to cross but they didn't. They just stood there, looking like they wanted to cross but not crossing, GIGGLING in fact. I got angry. The bus had to stop because the car in front stopped and busses don't stop and start in an instant.

The next thing on my list of things that annoy me today is angry bus drivers.
Why can't you say hello to me?
My morning bus driver always says good morning to everyone.
My old afternoon bus driver of last week talked to me every ride about everything so why can't you just say HELLO when I do.
Instead of just taking my money, grunting at me and then giving me my change.
So to you, angry bus driver, fuck you too.

The next thing I hate is the scum on the bus.
Why is everyone who catches the bus such a sad, sorry, sucker?
Am I a sad, sorry, sucker coz I catch the bus?
No because I only have to catch it for 2 weeks, in fact ONE MORE BLASTED DAY.
Sometimes there are good looking people on busses.
In the first week, there was at least one good looking person on there per night but this week, nope, just mostly sad, sorry, suckers.
Oh, while we're doing alliteration, smelly. Man, I've had some stinkers this week. Sure, there was that one day I smelt kinda awful but man, these people are SO much worse.
Do they EVER shower? EVEEEEEEER?

Ag.

I've been learning some South African words. They're great.
Some are quite close to German so my wonderful German buddy would understand.
Ag, is said "ach" and is a word presenting irritation or frustration.
How about I teach the words I learn to you guys as I learn them?
Sounds good.
Then we can all know a little bit of Afrikkans or South African terms.
Coz I got an email from my friend today which was passed to her by her mum which was called "understanding South Africans".
Coz I may have a slight obsession with South Africans right now. I go through phases.
They have a really nice accent.
And ag, fits me PERFECTLY, what a great word.

Varelai.

For David

So close, so far away
I didn’t know you but death is a tsunami,
It disrupts, disturbs and destroys the lives of all who are close enough.
It wasn’t right for you to be taken so young,
Even when it was expected, it was always going to be too soon.
You were so positive, you saw the brightest side of life,
You were honest about what you were going through,
But always happy, your happiness was contagious to anyone around you.
Your life was a clock, which ran too fast,
Every minute lived was a minute closer to the end.
You were fighting a never-ending battle but you fought hard.
Your loss was felt by many,
Your friends will see you eventually
But it’s a long time for them to miss you,
Will you be there waiting?
Are you here watching?
The good die young,
You were a soul, too good for this earth.

Rest in Peace.


I'd just like to thank everyone who offered words of comfort last night when I was feeling really quite depressed at all the death and sadness in the world. Whether publically or privately, your words made my heart hurt just that little bit less.

This poem is for a guy named David who went to the same College as me and who died on the 9th of January this year after a long battle with cancer. He was still very young though, about my age. I didn't know him personally but I've seen the people around me become devastated by this loss. I wish I'd known him. He sounded like an amazing person. The media were very helpful to him and his family, letting him live out his "bucket list".
I felt really devastated when he died because although I didn't know him, being at the same school as someone is a close thing. He knew the people I do, he spent time in the same classrooms, had the same teachers etc. So I have deeply felt a sense of loss and I really do wish I'd had the luck to know him.
I feel like I don't have the right to feel anything towards him. I don't have the right to grieve for him coz I didn't know him.
But I feel those things anyway, I feel so deeply.
David was easy to relate to, he was a son, a brother, a friend. Everyone has one of those.
I've been working on perfecting this poem since the day of David's death. It was hard to write and still not quite perfect but publishable.
This is another tribute to David. Straight from the heart of one of his friends.

Also, another loss I felt was the death of the drummer of Avenged Sevenfold, The Rev. I know the death of a celebrity seems pretty trivial compared to the death of a young person but Avenged Sevenfold is a band I like, plus, a lot of musicians I love were affected by the loss of the Rev. It could have been any one of those musicians, it was very close to home.
And he was a best friend to the singer of the band M Shadows. And I know what it feels like to have a best friend and you never want to have to face losing them. So that was another side to my grief last night.

I also lost my nana at the end of last year, something I never really acknowledge as being a big thing but it was. I didn't know her like I should have and it breaks my heart.

Sometimes we all just need a big long cry for all the loss and devastation we've experienced. Things we don't acknowledge in the light of day.

Varelai.

Pina Coladas

I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
Oh yea... This blog today will be gross. So uh... Read at your own caution. If you want to still like me, don't read it =)
However, the only rain I experienced today was the sweat dripping from the ceiling of our office.
My friend didn't take me to Australia 2 and a half weeks ago but she didn't need to coz their conditions have floated over here.
Ugh.
We don't have air conditioning in our office, nor do we have many windows.
I'm not a big sweater. I'm a cold person generally so I don't sweat often, usually I just shiver.
But today, by the end of the boiling hot day, I just wanted to jump into Petone wharf like all the other lucky bastards still on holiday coz I felt gross, sweaty and smelt like the most awful thing ever.
I felt sorry for the person who sat next to me on the bus. Usually I'm the one going "ugh... why must the smelly ones always sit next to me" but today... nope...
Although, the guy next to me had NO perception of space, he had his leg touching mine the whole time coz instead of making himself small enough for the bus seat, he insisted on sitting with his legs wide open.
And the spot where his leg was, for the whole 40 or so minute ride, was hotter and sweatier than the rest of me. I hate the heat. It's terrible.
I hope when I do get invited to Australia, they'll have AIR CONDITIONING.
So I got home and had a cold/semi-warm shower and am now wearing nothing but my dressing gown.
And do not plan to go outside for the remainder of the night.
Unless of course my mum decides not to feed me again, then I'll have to go out and get food.
Maybe I'll make vegetarian butter chicken tonight.

There's nothing more I can say really.
And no redeeming aspect of today's blog.
At least I don't feel quite so gross anymore.

Oh and I googled myself today and no results yet. Come on Google, pick me up!

Varelai.

Flat Lemonade

I've had a frustrating day.
Mornings are always too early, nights are always too late.
My Ipod keeps playing the same songs even though it's on shuffle and I can't have run out of 1g of music in 2 days or so.
My friend txted me and told me people keep getting her name wrong. They call her Tony or Troy and that's not her name. She keeps telling everyone "no, the O goes before the R" or "it's an R not an N".
Of course I know how my friend feels coz being called Varelai, it's utterly frustrating that people are never able to pronounce my name or spell it.
I love my name, of course, it's very unique but people always ask me if I'm from another country and that also gets annoying.
And then when I got home, I went to pour myself a nice drink, as I do some nights. A peachtini with lemonade is my drink at the moment.
But the lemonade is flat so it just tastes like well awful. Yes, it tastes like awful. If awful had a taste it would taste like peach schnapps, vodka and flat lemonade but I can't waste alcohol. Even if I feel very very ill, I can't puke from drinking coz of the "wasting alcohol" factor. Yea.
THEN my mum made dinner for her and my brother and not me. Great mothering that is.

Anyway, my main point of today, aside from being frustrated and tired and hungry is that I know people who spend ages in the bathroom.
I don't really understand it.
When I go to the bathroom, I pee then wash my hands. A friend of mine believed it was important to count the amount of seconds you pee for so lets say 30 seconds is a SUPER long pee. Then you have a minute or so for pants down, pants up, wipe (if you're female). Then hand washing is an average of 2 minutes (should be) but most people wash for so much less. Lets say a minute on average.
So we arrive at around 3 minutes. That is the average person's peeing life. Now, we're not talking about the other bathroom stuff. Just peeing coz people often elaborate on what they're going to the bathroom to do. As horrible as that is.
So you know they're peeing. But then, these few people I know, take 15 minutes or MORE to do this peeing routine.
It really confuses me. Now, I don't know why it's any of my business how long they take to do their business but when you're alone in someone elses house and waiting for your friend to pee, you're waiting and you're bored and alone so you notice how long the other person is taking.
Now although they say they're peeing maybe they just need to do other things but don't know it till they get there so they do that and add to their time.
BUT they wouldn't be doing the latter EVERY time they go to the bathroom. That would be super amazing, like they are living on a diet of prunes or something.

So yea, just confused and thought I'd share.

Have fun peeing, I'm counting.
Varelai.

Lies, for the truthful

The intended recipient will probably never read this but if you're a pathological liar, if you're like this, just think about it, why did you choose the irreversible path?

You have dug your rabbit hole too deep,
Too deep to escape or change,
You can never return to the light, to the truth.
Darkness has consumed you,
Your whole life is a lie,
Nothing you say can be trusted.
When did you decide the real world wasn't good enough?
When did you abandon reality for fantasy?
Is the real world really so bad?
Sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, you've done it all in your dreams,
You're different things to different people,
What will happen when your worlds collide?
No one knows the real you,
No one believes a single word you say,
It's all just stories.
But it's too late to take it all back.

Varelai.

Beginnings and Decisions

Let's start at the beginning.

For those who aren't familiar with the English language or cannot use Google, obdurate means "unmoved by persuasion", "stubborn", "unyielding".
My opinions can often be one sided and sometimes I will be stubborn and unwilling to change my thoughts on things.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to change my mind.
I have friends who seem to enjoy arguing with me or playing "devil's advocate" to try to get me to think outside my own box.

Deciding what you want to do with your life is always hard.

I left school pretty early to follow my dreams in Journalism but am now realising that it's not such a great career for me.
At the moment I'm on a Journalism internship for two weeks, which is not so bad but it's still not like I look forward to going to work every day.
The editor and people in the office are very helpful and nice but it still doesn't make me happy.

It's Sunday already, this weekend has gone far too fast. Means tomorrow I have to wake up at an hour I only just found out existed, 6am.
I guess it's the last week though so it could be worse.

What I want to do now is become a train conductor.

My friend just asked me if I'd like to move to Australia with her in 5-6 years which means I could be a train conductor till we move.

Maybe by that time I'll be more than ready to leave home and this country.

But a lot can happen in 5-6 years. I could find a partner and get married then we'd have to decide as a couple, what we want to do.
Or I might find a partner over there, which would be fine also.

Maybe my job will be so great here and I'll do so well at it that I'll get a promotion and not want to leave!

Varelai.