I seem to be getting more and more impulsive.
Quitting university was a very impulsive decision.
I seem to be making decisions now, without really thinking them out at all and how they'll work out with my schedule.
Impulsivity, as I learnt at university, is related to psychopathy. Am I a psychopath because I'm impulsive? Am I becoming more psychopathic as I become more impulsive?
I'm buying things without thinking about whether or not I have enough money and even if I know I don't have enough money, I'm buying stuff anyway.
I'm committing to things without thinking but maybe previously in my life I've thought too much and a bit of impulsivity will be useful in my life.
It relates back to How I Met Your Mother again, funnily enough, Ted thinks too much, he doesn't DO, he thinks. I've always been a thinker too, never just DOING things, always over thinking everything but now I'm becoming impulsive and it's getting scary. I'm so out of my depth, I'm taking uncalculated risks and that makes my heart pound in my chest. I have NO idea what I'm getting myself into in some areas of my life and I'm scared. I'm somewhat excited but not thinking can NEVER lead to anything good. All angles must be discovered, all facts taken into account before decisions are made but right now, I'm not doing that.
Agh!
V.
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Sometimes it's a good thing to take some risks, though. Plus, sometimes we think of ourselves as some sort of person although we're probably not exactly the person we think we are (sounds weird, now that I have written it, but it's difficult to explain). I mean, I might think of myself as a person who never makes any decision without a pro and con list and then still worries about whether it was the right decision, while other people might see me as someone who always makes the right decisions. Our perception and awareness of others is always very much different of how we see and perceive ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm becoming more spontaneous, too, but maybe that's not the case. Maybe it's just the circumstances that change and force me to react.
At school, there were pretty much 13 years of no-decision-making at all. I mean, yes, there were decisions, but no life-changing decisions. It was something like "do I take up French or Latin?" After school, I felt like the choice I made for uni was a choice I made for life. When I decided to go to New Zealand for a gap year, everyone told me I would waste a year of my precious time and then have a gap in my CV. Turned out it was the other way round - my gap year turned into my first year of study and therefore I finished my degree before all my friends did because in Germany it takes longer to study the same stuff because it's usually not full-time. Anyways, my point is that even though it first looked like a rather stupid decision (at least from an efficient German point of view) to go overseas for a gap year, it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life.
After finishing the diploma, I had to get a job - and that's when "spontaneous" planning began because I simply decided to apply for EVERY job possible and take what I could get. That was not such a good decision as it turned out, because the job was shit, the country was shit (sorry England, but I didn't exactly see your best side) and the flatties were shit (well, one of them was). So all these bad experiences made me quit my job within three days - and made me apply for training in a totally different field of work. And now it seems like tomorrow I'm going to sign the contract for my new job (well, traineeship). All in all, those were some very rushed and spontaneous decisions and we'll see what will happen... but I'm still pretty confident that a) it doesn't make me a psychopath and b) will all happen for a reason. Taken everything into account, I think everything happens for a reason and your impulsivity will get you somewhere just as mine got me where I am now. And believe me, I'm scared as hell, too. I have no clue what I'm getting myself into, either, but I have decided to deal with whatever happens because it'll only make me stronger. And it will make you stronger, too.
Quitting uni doesn't just happen - it happens because you're unhappy or are in need of something else. Uni is just not right for some people and I think you're lucky to have realised that so quickly. It would have been a shame to waste three years of your life just to realise that you've wasted them on uni, don't you think?