I just watched Pink Floyd’s The Wall for the first time in a long time, it’s a movie that’s always represented the part of me that is completely insane, the part of me that would like to trash a hotel room and smash a TV with a guitar.
Today I had a bad day, I’m not sure why but I was just angry and impatient. I hated everyone’s driving but my own and wanted to be alone a lot. Maybe I’m tired, maybe part of it is also homesickness.
As some of you will know, I’m currently back up in the Wairarapa where I lived and worked for three months. Sure I’m doing something different but being up here has made me think long and hard about the decisions I’ve made in the past four or five months.
Luckily, tomorrow is my last day up here after two weeks of work so very soon I can go home to my mum and my cats and relax.
I went to see my old colleagues while I was up here. Maybe that’s why I’m so moody today. I miss my old job so much. I hold a lot of regret for leaving after only three months.
I recall I was so happy to be home at the time but whether or not it was the right decision, is still beyond me.
I miss my colleagues, I miss writing (something I don’t do enough of now days), I miss making money and I miss being appreciated and hated, both aspects that come with the job.
I also miss my independence, I miss cooking every second night with my flatmate, I miss doing the dishes every second night too. Fuck, I actually really miss my flatmate. Those of you who know me well, know that my flatmate and I didn’t always get on as we were two VERY different people but I really miss having her around. Life with her was kind of like living in reality TV, it was the TV show where an odd couple live together, the hunter and the vegetarian. That was us but we handled it well… Mostly.
The biggest regret I have is that when I finally resigned, I had an exit interview with the manager of the place and afterwards he talked to the guy who was in charge of our department. At my last drinks, the guy in charge of our department then said to me “why didn’t you tell me you were so stressed and finding it so hard? We could have worked around it.” I look back now and I think FUCK, I never really thought that the stress I was feeling could have been all wiped up had I just TALKED to the guy and said “the demands of my job are too hard”.
Had I done that, I would still have had a job 4 months later and I wouldn’t be sitting here regretting every little fucking thing I’ve ever done or failed to do.
I don’t think I understand now, the pain I was feeling back then, I no longer understand how much past me was missing her family and friends. Present me just says “wtf, why?” Friends I felt were so important back then, I’ve recently realised are completely useless to me now. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve outgrown a lot of my friends, where we used to like similar things, we don’t anymore, where we used to talk every day, we talk once or twice a month or not at all. I quit my job and moved home just to find out the “friends” I moved home for, were not worth it in the first place.
I have to say, that was a total kick in the teeth. Of course, there are some friends who are worth it but they are friends who I would have kept no matter how far away I lived. I could have been living in Japan and they’d still talk to me once a week or more and would still care for me like we lived next door to each other.
Another worry right now is money. I don’t know if I’m going to last till March when university starts to start getting paid again.
I’m scared. I’ll admit that to you blog, I am fucking terrified about the future, I don’t know how I’m going to cope for the next few months or if I’ll even be able to find more work.
Hindsight aeh, she is a fucking bitch. Had I known four months ago what I know now, that work is SOOOOOOOOOO hard to find and that coming home was bad, not good, maybe I would have stayed in that job.
I just needed more feedback from the guy in charge of our department, had he told me once in a while that my work was good and that I was doing all the right things, maybe I would have felt more secure in my job, maybe I would have felt safe enough to tell him I was having trouble.
You really fucked up this time, kid.
Varelai.
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Sometimes we make decisions in life we regret further down the track. I still regret in a way that I didn't even try to get a job searcher visa. I'm almost sure they would have given me one if I had applied. I regret it, because I love the country, the people, my friends, but also because I think in this country there might be a person who could have been the one. But I was always too terrified to find out. And hence I left. (Not only because of that but that is one aspect.) I could have just applied for the visa, stayed, find luck.
ReplyDeleteBut I didn't apply. I ran away, in a way. And sometimes I regret that decision.
But then again - there are so many experiences that I can only make, because I left. Because I tried something else.
Always remember: when one door closes, another one opens. Or to quote a Bon Jovi song: Every new beginning is some beginning's end.
Things come to an end and sometimes that makes us sad and angry. But always remember that the ending of something is also the chance of something new, something that can also be awesome and great. Embrace what you have and look forward to what might come!